went to the ward today
everyone was on N95 mask.
next week back to ward
i gotta put on that mask
and full PPE.

free suana coming =\
hopefully we get to wear scrubs!!
otherwise can just die of heat stroke.
but i realised that these few days it have been raining
and the weather are much cooler
God do cares =)

read about some updates re: swine flu
its primary source is from a little 4 years old boy in mexico
U.S got its first death
total death increases to 150+
2400+ people were sickened.
Germany is the eighth infected country


it's too fast.
it's too scary.
i really hope it won't hit singapore
cuz i'm worried for my family and friends.

it's just 3 days, and swine flu hits Asia.
really scary.
pray people pray!!


went ward pool party at aloha loyang pasir ris after work
wahahaha.. combination for 3 wards
quite nice lor the food!
it's crazy to see nurses going crazy
they just simply grab anyone
into the pool and dunk them in.

gosh.. so me and my colleagues we
sneaked out of the chalet and when to the beach to chit chat
haha talked about our ghastly night shift experiences
and my ward is really spooky sia.

=S

enjoyed the night
but quite tiring
skill check tmr!

IT'S MY FIRST PAY DAY!

but half of the $$ gone already.
for the kukup trip plus car instalment
=\

kind of sian when i just got my pay today
and 1/2 of the money gone the very next day *roll eyes*

nway i think the pay wasn't too bad lah.
hahahah.

after tmr's morning shift,
i don't have to go to the ward for 7 days!
woo hoo! wahahhahaah!

我開始明白這條路 是煉淨的過程
學會了忍耐這個功課 沒想像中曲折
一定會有一個出口 最適合我們去走
不過是一時脆弱 就帶著微笑經過

我開始明白要先放手 才摸的到天空
若我可以咬緊牙忍受 將來會更成熟
這世上一定有個人 在永恆之處等我
我會在終點與他相逢

"你們所預見的試探，無非是人所能忍受的，上帝是信實的，必不叫你們受試探過於所能受的，在受試探的時候，總要給你們開一條出路，叫你們能忍受的住。"
哥林多前書10章13節

YAY i passed my Final Theory Test!
i haven book my TP yet because the results
not updated in the bbdc system

happy sia.. i guess prolly TP will be at july
hoho by then hopefully i can fast fast pass
and then drive to work,
drive out,
drive drive drive drive drive!

i raised my voice at a patient today
and i regretted it.

he just want the cot side to be down
and sit by the bed side
i told him nicely at first that
no i can't because he will fall down
he can't even sit up properly on bed already.

then after awhile i went back to do my stuffs
and needed help, so i went to look for my colleague to help
(it was hella busy, 3 admissions and 1 death occur during the same time,
and that time was after dinner, medication round, diaper changing, para taking
all around the time)
so this patient just started to shout
and asked for the cot side to be down
my colleauge is a indian, she can't speak mandrian
so i went to the uncle
raised my voice and said
"NO, I can't let you out,
you will fall down"
(i was pointing at him too.)
then i told my colleauge
"don't bother unless you got the time to push a geri chair for him."
and just walk away.

i felt quite bad
because what i've said alot of people around me could hear.
The doctor, other patients, other patient's relatives.

then later i went to settle my patients stuff first
i got a ECG to do for my patient
and on the other hand another patient
wants a change of diaper plus her bed is wet
due to the heavily soaked diapers.

so i got no choice,
i helped her to press the call bell
hopefully someone will help change.
while doing ECG
i heard my sn went to serve milo to my patient
so i tot she will attend to her.
after doing my ECG
the stupid call bell is still on,
no one attended to her.

freaking pissed.
it's not the first time already.
some nurses are really damn free but just refused to help
because it's not their patients.

then later,
"Gabrielle i asked you to turn off the lights rite?" pointing to the cubicle lights
"i tot u say corridor only, but there's still patient relatives"
"just turn off." said in a impolite manner.
hello! as if i know lor. *roll eyes max*


im afraid that the longer i stay in general ward
the more i'll lose my patience, tolerance and maybe compassion.
but thank God Suefern told me this.

"these are small little things, that you should see it as something that ought to train ur patience and tolerance, not to get annoyed and irritate and affect ur whole life."

yes i hate the ward culture
but i shouldn't let the ward culture rule over me.
i should overcome it and treat it positively.

Jia you Gabby!
everything will be better after 6months.
PROBATION IS LIKE THAT ONE.

I can sense that God is smiling now.
Because i'm smiling foolishly also..

He gave me a quick revision
and now to do this question.
it's not graded by right or wrong
it's graded by how i answer it.
just like any essay papers.

when the invigilator place the paper
on my desk, i'll say thanks
so Thank you Lord.

and of cuz before i start doing my paper,
i'll pray first.

Pray for peace in my heart,
pray for a calm mind
not for wisdom, not for a good grade.

i'm on my own now to write my test paper,
no talking, no discussion.

hopefully
i'll be confident in my answers,
no double checking
(because normally the corrected ans turns out to be wrong!)

wish me all the best.


meanwhile, here's a nice song

I thank God for the answer.
I thank God for guiding me.
I know what You meant.

I felt relieved,
it's quite clear cut.
I'll continue,
I'll give in my best.

Thank God for tell me that
"see, you've been through
IT'S POSSIBLE."

Dear Heavenly Father,

The more I know You,
closer to You,
the more i'm fear You.
okie okie..
point taken.

Whatever You say,
i'll obey...
i'll not think too much
and giving myself excuses.
For You only.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.

had gastric pain plus headache for about 2 hours during work..
that sucks.
but good thing i'm working sunday afternoon
so quite slack =)

quite happy today!
1. i realised that if i'm working afternoon shift on sundays
i can leave church slightly later...
most probaby after sermon
just in time =)

2. work was okie =) patients all well
just had 3 events only.

3. OFF day tmr!
need to shed off some calories
from my Jagabee by running.

4. manage to book driving lessons!
yay finally can drive already

5. I MANAGED TO GET MY PH AND OFF DAY ON 1st-2nd MAY
means.. KUKUP ISLAND!!!

6. NO MONDAY BLUES ^^

I want to be short, chubby and cute

went chilling with 89yers after work today
and they popped me a question

"Hey u're shortlisted for alpha camp vice chair, do you think you will serve this year?"

i gave a direct NO. without thinking much
because i'm afraid that i can't attend meetings on regular basis,
and dun even know if i can attend alpha camp or not
as i'm working shifts. yups, that's my main concern

as usual, showering always makes me have deep thoughts hahaha!
i was thinking, should i serve?
if the comm ask me tmr during mtg
what will i say?
deep down in my heart, of cuz i would like to serve!
because two years of serving in alpha camp comm,
i really learnt alot alot alot and i never regret (though i keep whining about stuffs)
and this time round, the position is much challenging,
which is to lead a team and together, serve God.

the only thing is do i have the time?
for meetings on sundays...
or even certain weekdays.
and can i cope or not?

i prayed about it (in the toilet HAHAHA! okay..)
and i dunno izzit God's calling or what?
i received this email from Lawerence, my CAC connect camp friend
it's an invitation to a leaders' retreat, and the theme was LEAD!

the thing here is...
i know i serve alot in church, but i never thought myself as a leader.
yes i'm in comm, yes i'm a cell group leader... SO?
i felt like a novice, like still a learner
but the fact is,
GABRIELLE IS A YOUTH LEADER.
Be it, first day, first week, first month, first year.
A leader is a leader..
just like a nurse in staff nurse uniform is a staff nurse, people see you as a staff nurse,
not a trainee nurse, there's responsibilites.
(that's how i see lah.)

"there will be a BYM Leader's retreat coming up in May. Which means ALL the leaders in CAC's Youth Ministries are invited to join"

gosh.
then next, like i've always said.. this verse a day thing always give me heartburns.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
- 2 Timothy 1:7


to me it's like God telling me to Go Ahead,
you have the power to say yes,
because of love, i love my church,
and this challenge ahead may teach me self-discipline
because that's what i've prayed for during youth alpha
and self-discipline = time management, be responsible with my servings and my work
and to toggle them well because when i start working, im really afraid that i'll slowly stop serving in church... HIGH TENDENCY.. because i'm having a mindset of 'scared-no-time.'

BUT.
i gotta pray harder,
what if this is what my mind think, my heart think
and it's not from God.

=\

hmmmm......?

got home from marina sq after chilling with my poly clique today
and i saw this letter from Ngee Ann
stating that i'll be receiving outstanding award:

SATA PRIZE
for outstanding performance in the module 'Research Project'

i was so so happy and it's really unexpected
because i've always thought that our research project is a low AD.
yay! our hard work over alot of months finally paid off.

so i called Shuting and ask her to check her mailbox
if there's any letter... also i've told Suefern the good news.
then Suefern show me the graduation website
then i realised that i'm the only one getting it.

i was shocked and seriously felt bad about it.
one, i'm not the group leader
two, it's not only my hard work.
dun understand why...

mum said it's a blessing from God
and true enough, it's really a blessing...

i got GOLD award for cca too!
yay! so difficult to earn lor!
hahaha

yay! i managed to finish my work on time!
though still can't afford lunch time.

but i really count myself lucky
to be under Meraini today
the first thing in the morning
she said, "if you under me ah, i expect you to be fast okay,
i don't want you to work slow ah, today holistic care."

i was quite shocked but grateful,
it's like morning call
HELLO GABRIELLE, WORK FAST!

although got a little bit of naggings here and there
but meraini really taught me alot,
like how to handle things in a organized manner.

and she really helped me alot,
like settle 2 discharges, trendcare, send patient to xray etc.
today is her last day of work then she's going for her Medical Surgical Advance Dip
together with Suma... there goes 2 SNs from the ward.

read dorothy's blog just now
and really thankful for this very optimistic girl
that keeps reminding me to give in my best
and encourage me to pull through =)

something RARE in Alex Hosp happened.
the Nursing Admin gonna pool in money to train nurses
for critical care for the new KTPH.

and guess what!
in 6 months time,
i'm going to ICU.

normally, to be transferred to ICU from general ward takes 3 years
because ICU only accept nurses with 3 years experience.
it's really a rare chance for 6mths old nurses to nurse in ICU(except in NUH)
and there isn't any much time for me to decide then
so i just put my name down on that sheet of request form.

ICU is a place where i can gain alot alot of experience
and learn alot alot of medical stuffs.
holistic care for 1-2 patients,
which allows me to really focus alot alot on my patient
and know my patient's condition really well
the only thing is my medical knowledge must be good,
my nursing skills must be competent.

hopefully 6mths later, when i'm transferred to ICU,
i can survive there and won't be kicked out of ICU and back to the ward.
if i survive well, hopefully by next year or so,
i'm able to get advance dip in ICU.

for now,
i'm just going to put in my best effort in ward 10,
get myself well-trained, learn as much as possible,
and to do some self study.

pray for me please =)
this is not gonna be an easy thing.
it's gonna be tough. real tough.

Wenya, Dorothy and I came up with our daily routine timetable for our work.
looked relax, simple, easy, not busy.. gosh..
in fact it's scary, horrible and terrible.
and some people were thinking what nurses really do...
so here it is.

Morning Shift

0630. check assignment.check respective team stuffs
0630. check imr.
0700. role call.
0730. take report, physical round, bed making, serve premeal meds
0800. serve diet, morning meds time.
0830. bring pt for shower if dr havent come.
0900. dr's round update changes, ticking for fall checklist.
1000. do trendcare, do changes, dressings, medications (sangobion,abx) etc1030. BGM
1100. Premeals Med, take parameters
1130. serve diet, update io.
1200. write report.
1315. pass report
1330. settle discharges
1400. help out
1515. home sweet home.

from 0630 to 0830 normally will be quite routine, quite relax.. unless patient have OP.
things goes haywire after patient shower and Drs arrive...
dressings becomes wet - need to change dressing.
casenotes, clinical charts and IMR fly all over the counter.
changes such as medications to be send for supply, ECGs, bloods to be taken, specimens to collect, specialist to refer, therapist to refer, all sorts of monitorings to be done. drips to put, to schedule, bloods to transfuse...

i haven add those ad hoc events such as...
admissions
patient suddenly having fever
patient suddenly vomit
patient complain of pain
patient's family wants and update regarding condition
patient's family complaining etc etc etc.

some call-bell events like
"missy i want to go toilet pang sai..."
that one takes about 1/2hr already.
and we can't leave patient alone in the toilet =)

some special attention patients like
confused patients who wants to climb out of bed,
need NGT feeding, takes about 1/2 hr
hourly parameters monitoring etc etc...


1 nurse handles it all! 6-12 of them.
so lunch is a privilege isn't it?


Afternoon Shift

1230. Check assignment. check IMR
1315. take report, physical round, top up casenotes, imr, check old notes
1400. role call
1500. take parameters, do changes if have
1600. serve meds - abx(eg. cipro), ticking for fall checklist
1630. BGM, serve premeal meds
1730. serve diet, update io, settle discharges
1800. take parameters
1900. serve medications
2000. write report
2100. clear water jugs, measure, update io
2115. pass report
2130. home sweet home.


i'll say sometimes afternoon shift can be
quite relaxing and can afford to have dinner for like 10mins
but not when u have hourly or 2 hourly monitorings,
NGT feedings,
admissions and discharges!
ad hoc events..
etc..


we only had brunch and dinner.

Night Shift

2030. Check assignment. Check IMR
2100. Role Call
2115. Take Report, physical round
2200. BGM, take parameters
2300. tick fall checklist, diaper changing
1200. Serve IV abx
0100. Top up trolleys
0200. serve medications, take parameters
0300. clean counter
0400. serve IV abx, tick fall checklist, write report
0500. sponging, diaper changing
0600. serve medications, abx, take bloods, take parameters, BGM
0700. serve gargle
0730. pass report, physical round
0830. home sweet home

night shift is always busy when there's empty beds.
alot of empty beds = alot of admissions
and alot of admissions means = alot of changes
alot of changes means = alot of work.

the toughest part for night shift is from 5am all the way till work end
cause call bell starts ringing from 5am and there's so many things to do
plus it's the point of time where we're all physically and mentally drained.
esp first night and last night.


this is what my ward is doing...
i'll just treat this as my free slimming programme ^^

Jiayou Gabby!

it's really boring to stay at home.

sorry for this ugly Jason photo.
but, Happy 21st birthday lah!

there's not greater love than this.



與你同行 到天涯海角
不論悲喜 我信靠你
主我願意 活出你旨意
活出你應許，到永遠
Lead me Lord, as you know me best.
This is my prayer.

after lots of whining about myself being sick,
about how terrible and horrible my ward is
when they implement this holistic care recently
i've felt better..
although at work i really felt very wei qu..
because there's too many things to do.
=\

but as i read dorothy's blog,
she had a verse for herself
"It's either you want to see it as challenging or not and make up to the challenge."
and yup, since i'm given such a situation,
i need to learn and make up to the challenge
i pray that i'll run this race with faith
and ask God to guide me through this whole 6mths probation.

on a brighter note, my fever subsided already ^^

this week was totally horrible for me..
this holistic care system was crazy.. totally crazy.
1 nurse attends 6 patients that's all..
u gotta do every single thing for the patients
from top to toe no assistant nurse at all.
that's why i didnt have enough rest

i've taken 2 days mc yesterday
and it's from the baby and kids clinic just below my hse.
cuz i was shivering at night
and my GP's clinic was closed,
so mummy asked Dr Lieu from the paeds clinic.

i thank God for the 2 days MC
so at least i'll have enough rest and start working again.
because as i work with that sore throat days before
and with running nose yesterday,
it was horrifiying.. i really feel that i'm going to faint soon.

gosh.. at first i didn't want to take mc because
it will affect my performance and i got alot of drugs at home
that is for flu, from my GP...
but now as i blog and think,
if 6 months later, we're still doing this holistic care thing,
i'll ask for transfer to Emergency... it's too much.. really.

5 patients under my care yesterday,
today i'll have 8.. if there isn't any discharges.

yesterday was quite unorganized
but thank God i manage to finish everything =)

sore throat getting worse...
urgh.
spoil my mood
to blog,
to work,
to think,
to talk.

gosh gosh gosh.

i woke up with puffy eyes
and sore throat.
nose is running a little already

I DON'T WANT TO FALL SICK!
im only entitled to 5 days MC per year leh!

After slogging for 3 years as a student nurse,
now i'm a registered staff nurse.
YAY!

3 of us..wenya me and dorothy
finally passed out,
we know each other since secondary school
become polymates,
attachment mates
and now colleauges!
YAY!

i'm posted back to the same ward (wd 10)
that i've been attached to during my PRCP
but sadly, wenya is posted to my neighbouring ward
nvm! i think she'll be much happier there
cuz my ward has a new system!
MORE WORK TO DO LOR!
gosh.

new fresh grads of ward 10!
besides wenya hahahah ^^

i thank God for today's cell group leader's training
and 3 hours of reading at coffeebean.

whining, supressing, commenting
isn't really the best way or correct way to solve problems
only confession, humility and repentance can dealt sins - being true to self and others.

just confessing my problems to God through prayer
will not give me peace in my heart
this is how i felt after confessing my sins to my pastor during youth alpha.
it's only when i've make known to people around me about my sins
then i'll feel shameful and really repent.
Being true to myself and be true to others.

there's alot of times where i want to share my real thoughts in my blog
yet i'm afraid that some people that i'm concerned will know the ugly side of me,
and lose them eventually. On the other hand, i felt that i'm a total hypocrite,
yes i said things with sincere heart, i treat everyone with sincere heart
but what i've said and what i'm doing doesn't tally at all...
on the surface i may be setting good examples but deep down i've been supressing all my sins
and didn't really make effort to change, i believe that God had washed away all my sins and really i felt God's grace and love deeply but i still fear that i couldn't give my best to Him because
i've been avoiding and refuse to face the fact and end up in some self denial mode.

it really takes me alot of courage to blog all my struggles that i've been facing on this blog
because i know my friends read it.. though i don't really know who reads it.
but to put all these self denial, no confidence, pride, ego to an end
i realised that i have to be true to myself and to others, in order to come out of this rat race.

my greatest struggle i have is relationships and i guess most of us have the same struggle too.

Kinship
i will not share to detailed about what i've gone through in my family
because i need to protect them.

i'm not close to my parents and brother at all
in fact sometimes i hated them and i'm angry with them.
though now i don't hate them, but i'm still angry with them
it's been years already... hard to put down.
i'm avoiding it i guess, that's the reason why i'm always out and not at home,
rather to go von's hse or ah ma hse then to stay at home or keeping myself in my room.
i'm envious of close kinship and yearning for it seriously
i'm close to my grandparents, my uncles, aunts, cousins,
definitely not my parents and brother.
ask me if i love them?
i'm not sure actually, but i felt pain when i see them struggle
and i want to try my very best to help them but again, i whine about it.

Friendship

honestly i love my friends and relatives more than my own family.
this is true.
but i dunno how to be a good friend, because i don't really try to keep in contact often
because i'm not those kind that will msg them, msn them, try to keep in contact i'm lousy at this.
but if u talk to me, i'll talk to you, if u ask me out, i'll go out with you if i'm free,
if i see you, i'll call you, if you tell me you need a shoulder, i'll lend u, if you need a hearing ear, i'll give you, if you need my help, i'll try my very best to help...
Maybe that's why my circle of friend always changes many come and go.
i won't tell my friend if i'm angry with him/her, i'll supress it and still be his/her friend put on a smile, show all my love care and concern still until i can't stand it, i may just turn cold and avoid it. yes sometimes i'll just whine alot and tell my other friends how much i hate him/her be it they know him or her nots. that's why i felt that i'm a hypocrite. and you don't see me quarrel with friends. It really matters to me how my friends look at me also. and sometimes this becomes something that i'm struggling because i want to meet my friends expectations of me and caused me to put on a mask. however, to all my friends, i really used a sincere heart look into our friendships.

Boy-Girl relationship

hahaha. to be very honest, i've been praying for such a relationship since secondary.
that i must get into a relationship before i die, at least have a taste of it.
it's really dumb but that's what my heart desires because i want to have a family,
a happy loving family, i want to be loved directly..
guess because since young i don't really feel that physical direct love before
not even from my family.
i thank God that till now i haven't been into any relationship before. really.
this isn't a child play and i have to reach a matured stage to handle it
because i think that it shouldn't be purely based on feelings but with wisdom from God also.
i rather have a good guy friend always rather than once a good guy friend then now a stranger.
do i have feelings for someone now?
yes i do. it's inevitable to attracted to opposite gender
and of cuz like any girls under the sun, in the world, they will desire to get closer and so do i!
it's really tough to be trapped in a one-sided kind of thing.
i have been praying about it, and it seems to be no answer
and it gets tougher. emotionally.
quite a no. of my friends noe who the guy is and of cuz i'm reminded
that i've to be responsible about what i've said.


recently i realised that
after praying and make known to God my desire,
i should make effort, because actions speak louder than words
but that effort shouldn't be focused on trying to know the guy more
instead the effort should be focused on getting closer to God, rely on God because
such union is God-given, by grace, not by my own works.
i felt peace and joy when i had this realisation
and i shall just put this whole thing at rest,
till my relationship with God and my family gets better.


Relationship with God

yes i may be serving whole heartedly, actively in church
but my spiritual life.. yes it's fulfilling but not everyday.
i like reading books but not the QT material
i like to talk to God and it doesn't end with AMEN
i don't really have a prayer time.
when i tell my friend i'll pray for you,
it will not be constant prayer, i'll forget about it totally.
i FORGOT to thank God for the food.
it's really bad. and i hate it.
i hate myself for not being consistant in making effort.
but my God is gracious, He talks to me in the way i like,
through songs, verses from my blogs and people.
i can say He loves me more than i love Him
and i think my relationship with Him is not bad
but can be better if i put in more effort.

one more thing, i hate money matters.
money makes my family distant.
destroys my relationships.
but.. it makes me mature
and i thank God for that.
i still hate money matters.


this is me, and these are the struggles i'm facing currently
for quite a long time...
it may seem to be normal, like everyone have the same problems
but to me.. it's really really tough.
i want to share it because i want my friends to know
yea Gabrielle is like that so scary...but/and she's trying to change.
i want to take off the mask and live without it,
i want to be real towards people, setting good examples.


gosh i spent 3 hours blogging this post.
nway.. im not into some emo, sad mood..
i'm quite happy actually because i felt peace
just pray for me =)

努力过就不会后悔.
happily ever after.
THE END


goodnight gabby =)

i've prayed,
but no effort made.
something's stopping me i guess.

chilled with crazy cuzzies at coffeebean today

child of God
staff nurse

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