♥

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 @ 11:33 PM

i'm weak but He is strong

it's a very heartbreaking day for me.
as my gong gong's body turned into bones
and now living in a little square box at Garden of Remembrance.

things become very unexpected.
i thought mum was holding on quite well
and we were all worried about my cousin
whom we thought he may collapse at the crematorium
but it turned out to be my mum,
she didnt collapsed as in medical term
but "collapsed" on the floor weeping, grieving hard.
i told her not to cry, be strong
because i've got no more strength to handle another situation.

mum came back from work later at night
yah! she need to work after all these things. idiot lor.
then she started crying,
she said she felt that she've shamed the family for crying so hard
and hurt my dad for doing so.
she said she's should be a role model because she keep telling victor to be strong
but she herself broke down instead.

i literally "rolled eyes"
and told her.. it's NORMAL. omg.
my aunties all trying to console her..
i really dunno what to do
but thank God i msged my Ah Yi and asked her to talk to mum

really that God for Ah Yi to be there for mum,
and dad holding on very well.

on a brighter note,
ah ma is now much happier,
she ate dinner with us and started chattering away :)

"For I cried to Him and He answered me! He freed me from all my fears." -Psalms 34:4
Lord, yes i'm a nurse, i should know much better how to take care of people,
but Lord, i have my limits, i have my fears. Give me strength Lord and mercy,
guide me, fill me, lead me. Ah Ma and Mummy needs you. I NEED YOU.

In Jesus' name i prayed, Amen

@ 12:30 AM

not an easy night

tonight it's the last night with my gong gong
after which i won't be seeing him till we meet again in heaven.

i really thank God for a loving gong gong
through him, i experience God's love... in many different ways
his love for ah ma tells me 'Love is patience, love is kind. it is not easily angered'
his love for the church tells me 'it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it rejoices in the truth'
his love for his children tells me 'it always protects, always trust, always hope, always persevere'
his love for his grandchildren tells me ' Love never fails.'

25th March 2010
dad shook me up from my sleep and tell me that gong gong coughing out blood.
went to see him, called ambulance and bring him to the hospital, he was admitted to ICU.
visited him in the morning, saw the resp Dr, he said that gong gong having pneumonia,
there's a white patch over the left upper lobe,
blood c/s, afb sputum, ca markers done to rule out PTB and CA.

26th March 2010
i went to visit gong gong in the morning as usual, he said he wants to go home.
saw his CXR, pneumonia spreads to the whole of the left lung, it was heavily soaked with fluid.
his team Dr said that there's nothing much we can do as gong gong is already 94y.o
although he can be intubated and do suctioning to clear the secretions, but it'll not resolve the root cause - infection. then the resp Dr came to assess him, checked his blood c/s, gong gong is septic. so i took leave and we all sent gong gong back home.

accompanied him the whole day,
sponging him with cold water to bring the temp down,
although i know that the temp will not go down because of the sepsis,
but my relatives still hoping to bring it down.
heard gong gong's lungs sound, i knew its getting bad, but i can only tell them it's okay.
i know that gong gong is in pain, because he is having a STEMI, but he keeps saying there's no pain, because he still thinks of us.
i know gong gong is afraid to close his eyes, because he's afraid that he will sleep forever.
i know gong gong don't bear to leave us, because from his eyes, i saw his tears

27th March 2010
i stayed with gong gong throughout the night together with some of my relatives
yvette and i stayed by him throughout, continue to sponge him, sing to him, hold on to his hands
i know that gong gong is afraid because he knows he can't hold on any longer when he coughed out blood.
i know gong gong is going soon when i saw the white moth and black moth flying around,
but i try not to be pang tang and believe it, hoping there's still hope for gong gong to pull through till my hongkong aunty and lei hoon arrive in the afternoon.
i know gong gong is leaving very soon at 4plus am as he had increased urine output and crackles +++

i know gong gong can't hold on any longer and it's for me to make the decision to call everyone back, but that point of time, im really scared because i'm losing him very very very very soon.
i thank God ah ma woke up from her sleep, so i asked her to sit beside gong gong and he managed to hold her hands and look at her till the last breath
i thank God that most of us were there with him
i thank God that He hold on tight to me when i'm in fear and he calmed me down.

635am, just before dawnbreak, my gong gong passed away peacefully, as we grieve and mourn.

God shocked me through gong gong, and he brought me back into His presence,
remembered saying that i need a shock, though i didn't expect it to be so unexpected and magnified.

throughout these few days, i had a lot a lot of peace from God.
i gain strength to hold on to my tears, telling myself i need to take care of ah ma.
say it and do it.

i want to live a life like my gong gong,
someone who loves like how Jesus loves us.

Gong gong, i really really love you.
i'll miss you. see you soon!!!

@ 12:19 AM

His words comfort me

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace,
who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself
restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
-1 Peter 5:10 (ESV)

But thanks be to God,who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
-1 Corinthians 15:57 (ESV)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest.

the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn you peace. Number 6:24-26

Friday, March 26, 2010 @ 12:48 AM

a time for everything

yesterday wasn't a good day for me.

2am, dad woke me up from my sleep, telling me that gong gong coughed out blood
sent him to gleneagles, he's admitted to icu
he had nstemi and pneumonia
however later at night when i visited him after work
i saw his waveform from the monitor was a stemi already.
i just pray that my gong gong can pull through and stablize
so we can bring him home for pallative management.

at work, another sad story to tell.
he's alert but intubated,
however the family's decision was to extubate him
because no one, even with strong family support of 11 siblings
can take care of him with a trachy...
worst thing worst, he may pass away in few days time,
suffocating if he can't breathe on himself proper.
but thank God, i'm afternoon shift tmr
i don't have to extubate him.
he is in his mid 40s only.

he's not a good guy, alcoholic, abuse wife, in and out of jail.
but he showed me that even the baddest person know what is love.
he wrote out in words, "I Love Ahmad"- son.

and before just way before i knock off from work,
my new admission patient passed away.

on a brighter note, it's PAY DAY!!!

Monday, March 22, 2010 @ 9:39 PM

the third week

my third monday in MICU.
still work like a blur dok.
it's not that i don't know my work
just that at times i'm confused by people there

some say do this way, some say do that way.
it's so like PRCP days.. like kiap in the middle
felt so lost.

really can't wait to work my own way, own style.

manz, i really missed working in ward 10 =(

Saturday, March 20, 2010 @ 12:50 AM

lack of confidence

what i'm lacking here at work is
CONFIDENCE..

CF alumni dinner was great
and heartwarming =))

Wednesday, March 17, 2010 @ 11:50 PM

not a good week in MICU.

thank God this is only my 2nd week
so it's quite okay to made slight errors.
i think i really need to buck up and try to get the routines right.

i was posted to High D for 1 day this week
and somehow as compared to ICU so far,
i prefer HD, prolly because i missed talking to patient
as well as relative members.
so far in ICU, my patients have very complex life outside,
and they tends to become restless

the stress i had in ICU so far was,
the tendency of patient pulling out their ETT tube
a tube that is inserted into their thorax to allow them to breathe via help with ventilator
so if they pull that out.. THEY CAN'T BREATHE!

2 weeks hard to say lah..
let's see 6mths later do i like ICU setting. hahaha!!

@ 11:40 PM

just do it.

no point saying "i know, okay, alright."
if i don't even take it to heart.

prolly that's the way i've lived for the past few months.
my ans to many various stuffs was
okay, i know, alright
and there the next min, i forgot about it.

im really losing my focus in life and in God.
felt like living day by day, and it became a norm for me.
that is not what i want.

i need to do this alone... friends, just pray for me =)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010 @ 11:40 PM

Where's gabrielle?

suefern. said:
i also have a lot of people asking me, but ultimately, if you are focused you can one.
you are not that kind fickled minded you know, you know what you want actually.
but i don't know why, like this few months you are quite fickled, like your heart is not at the right place.

gabrielle. said:
SIGHS
yah i can't focus at all
i dunno why
i felt that i'm not that gabrielle before

suefern. says:
yah, i agree with that!

Tuesday, March 09, 2010 @ 11:04 PM

my first MICU patient

i took my very first case today.
my preceptor told me that i'm lucky to have a patient with ventilator
quite blur today because i'm not very sure with MICU routine.
so different from general ward.

nway my first patient is a COPD patient.
came in for infective COPD exacerbation
he nearly made me report a EHOR towards the end of my shift
by trying to extubate himself. OMG..

but thank God,
the on call dr agreed to extubate him
however gotta pray hard that tonight onwards
he'll be fine.. otherwise if there's a need to intubate again..

then... GG.

OMG OMG OMG

Sunday, March 07, 2010 @ 9:52 PM

yveline and i

crazy as usual hahaha!

Saturday, March 06, 2010 @ 11:51 PM

bad services, bad day.

finally i'm out with my poly clique
it's been a long time since we last met.
and we encountered A LOT of bad services.

1. Buying tickets at Suntec Engwah
gosh the person's attitude sucks.. seriously

2. Buying popcorn
popcorn wasn't filled to the brim,
the person's attitude sucks totally.

3. went swensens
waited for the food 45mins already not out
then we asked the waitress, she did not order for us!
wait again.. 30mins FOOD STILL NOT OUT.
another waitress who served us icecream pulled a long face.
and the icecream melted

4. take taxi home
gosh the uncle's attitude SUCKS oso.
near accident somemore.

what a bad day.

Friday, March 05, 2010 @ 10:21 PM

the spiritual life is like flying a kite.

The key to flying a kite is to not give too much slack in the string.
As long as that tension exists, the kite will fly.
Once it's let go, there it goes away...

it's a battle between my heart and my mind.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 @ 12:32 AM

skills check

skills check and more skills check
my icu crash course getting heavier and heavier.

i'm bombarded with too much information
that i can't absorb all...
have been revising and reading up my old lecture notes as well.

it's like back to mugging days.
but somehow i like it =)

feel smarter.