♥

Wednesday, March 30, 2011 @ 2:29 PM

am i focusing on God?

In life, there are many crossroads
after making a choice of which path to take,
it'll lead u into another crossroad.
It's never ending
yes, i'm at the crossroad again.

like Jia fa laoshi said,
you already know the answer, but you want to listen to what you like to listen.

i know that whichever path i take, God will lead me

Suefern reminded with questions last night,

"you said that you can serve more in church when u're into full time studying
but are you focusing on God?
you said that you want to serve in church again, but are you focusing on God?
when you're studying, are you focusing on God?"

"you were the one who told me that i can worship the Lord, serve the Lord anywhere, don't have to be worship and serve in church only. even at work i can worship and serve the Lord. Where's that Gabrielle who told me this?"

yup, it's not about the choice i choose,
the underlying problem here is
have i been focusing on God
am i focusing on God?

its really time for me to stop whatever i'm doing
and retreat away from the world to find my focus.

@ 1:11 AM

Life by Sarojini Naidu

CHILDREN, ye have not lived, to you it seems
Life is a lovely stalactite of dreams,
Or carnival of careless joys that leap
About your hearts like billows on the deep
In flames of amber and of amethyst.

Children, ye have not lived, ye but exist
Till some resistless hour shall rise and move
Your hearts to wake and hunger after love,
And thirst with passionate longing for the things
That burn your brows with blood-red sufferings.

Till ye have battled with great grief and fears,
And borne the conflict of dream-shattering years,
Wounded with fierce desire and worn with strife,
Children, ye have not lived: for this is life.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011 @ 10:48 PM

ACCN 1 final paper

i wouldn't say my paper today is difficult, nor is it easy. just manageable.
i have friends asking me why do i study so hard for advance dip.
why am i staying up all night just studying for it.
some say you won't fail, diplomas are designed for you to pass.
some say my lecturer won't make us fail, surely you will pass.
and i tell people that i'm just aiming for a pass.

true enough i'm just aiming for a pass
so why am i studying so hard.

i guess the stress is work-related. and i'm getting closer to graduation.
and the day when i wear scrubs again, i'll be holding on to another title.
Trained ICU nurse.
because i'm trained, i have more responsibilites and most importantly, i should know better about patient's conditions.

that is why i won't spend so much time on healthcare management modules and psychosocial modules but i'll spend alot of time on my ACCN modules and my Pathophysiology module simply because i want to be better in clinically, critical in thinking, able to pick up abnormal values and link them to the diagnosis, be able to participate better in Dr's rounds and stuffs.

behind all these i just want to be knowledgeable and to become a nurse that can discuss plans with the Doctors. i'm not striving to be an APN or faster promotions
but to gain trust from Drs and Patients that nurses can be as knowlegeable in other ways apart from being a handmaiden of the Doctors.

sometimes it really hurts when people says "she's just a nurse."
yes its true that we're just nurses, but we know what are we doing, the treatment plans. in fact, most nurses in Singapore have more qualifications than other professionals out there. Diplomas, Advance Diplomas, Degrees, Masters, PhD

but the streotype and old thinking of the word NURSE outweighs the qualifications.
well, this can't be blamed because the system in Singapore is less beneficial for nurses.

there's a saying, Knowledge is Power.
and the power i want is basically just respect.

because being respected and appreciated will make us less tired from our work.
the mentally of appreciation we received will increase the sense of satisfaction
and eventually pull us through.

Sunday, March 27, 2011 @ 9:01 PM

last year i held you, this year i missed you

the rainbow that marked the 1st year.
a covenant that God promised.

today is gong gong's 1st death anniversary.
so fast, it's been a year =)
went to the columbarium to visit the grave
sang gong gong's favourite song
read gong gong's favourite verse
and prayed for the family.

although the tension in the family is not yet resolved
but i believe one day it will...

even though my grandparents left the world,
but they still work in our hearts,
to bring us all back together as a family
and in God.

Gong gong, happy 1st year!
i won't be sad about losing you in this world,
in fact, i'm very very happy that you've finished the race
and able to rest in the Lord's arm.
i'm very very very proud of you.

HAHAAHAHA AH MA TOO!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011 @ 2:51 PM

change my heart O Lord.

when i first know about 11:11, a time where you can make a wish and hope it'll come true, i tot it was like huhhh..the reason why 11:11 is because it's difficult to chance upon that time. and well, i've chanced upon it thrice.

for the first time, i didnt really want to make a wish, cuz i know wishes won't come true that way, but there's no harm making a wish, so i did.

posted this on Shuting's wall days after:

and gosh, it happened. quite shocked, because i'm about to move on already... let go of this one-sided irritating stuff.
1-2 nights after that night, dreamt again, much sweeter this time.
i prayed about it. and in fact i did made a passing remark to God that,
if 11:11 appears again it will mean something (though i dunno what's that something)
and on sunday night, i chanced upon the 11:11 in kwoky's car.
was happy about it. but then i dunno what does it mean.

is this from God?
why God doesn't want to let me let go of him?
at the point where i did not think about him, God plants thoughts.
of maybe it's not from God at all?
just can't understand why?!

so i prayed again, telling God that if i chance upon 11:11 again,
means that You prepared him for me, and then i bargain,
but Lord, i dunno what to do and i'm not going to do anything, i'm going to chase after him or what. NO.

then again, "Do not test the Lord your God..."
alright, i apologised.
but amazingly, i told Gwen about what happened.
out of no where.. i told Gwen about it.

and she said to me.
"Gabs, do you know what, i always belived that God has already planned someone for us in our lives, but two of us will only come together when both our hearts are in the Lord, when both our hearts are with God, God will allow us to be together, and we will be together. That's what how i feel. If your heart is with God and yet his heart is not with God, when both of you come together, this whole relationship won't go smoothly. Make sure your heart is with God and i believe that God will work in his heart. ahahah scarly u're the one that your heart is not with Him. but even if your heart is in Him, yet you still stay single, it means that the guy's heart is not with Him, and because the Lord loves you so much, He rather you stay single than being hurt by that guy."

GOSH. this is like.. WOW.
i really felt that WOW. God is awesome.
because knowing that basing on a "sign" it won't give me any assurance.
however, thru Gwen, He told me this.

then, i search my heart,
yea.. true enough, i'm not totally with the Lord.
when things happened, i didnt rely on God.
when i'm so cooped up studies, work, i forgot about God.

Change my heart O Lord,
make it ever true,
change my heart O Lord,
may I be like You.

Saturday, March 12, 2011 @ 10:13 AM

Isaiah 58:9a

Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and he will say,
" Here I am. "

Earthquake and Tsunami strucked Japan on my brother's birthday.
11th March 2011.

watched the news over and over again,
how the water flooded the land.
and many people on facebook were questioning
is the world coming to an end?

I asked the Lord,
Father, you promised not to send floods to destroy the Earth right? by the convenant of the Rainbow.

well, though He said He won't send floods to destroy the whole Earth, but didnt mention part of the Earth.

Once again, i told myself.
i need to live everyday as if it's going to end anytime
because we can control many things,
but God is the one that controls the impossible.

again, lesson learnt,

Fear the Lord - For He is Lord
Call upon Him - For He'll be there
Seek His mercy - For He will embrace

Tuesday, March 08, 2011 @ 12:30 AM

building up my tolerance level

Lord, are you trying to build my tolerance level?

but it's really tough to tolerate all these stabs
because it hurts a lot, and it'll leave scars behind.
i can forgive, because of You, i forgive.
but Lord, i can't forget.
and it's a terrible feeling.

teach me Lord, what am i suppose to do?
it's really a tough lessson.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011 @ 9:23 PM

the future is uncertain

"but the plans of the Lord stands firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." - Psalms 33:5
I mentioned earlier that i would most probably stick to the plan of going overseas to study after 3.5yr
and I've calculated the school fees, within two years it increased up to 5k to think in another 3.5yrs the school fees will double up.

then dz tweeted me
"doors close when God doesn't want you to walk through them? ... but who knows when it opens again."

true enough, i've prayed about it.
and God really "closes" this door.

but i really thank God that He "replied" me fast enough for me to consider again.
my friends in Aust now spent 31k (excluding living expenses)
to think 3.5yrs time. it'll be 40-50k (excluding living expenses) just for 8 months.
INSANE isn't it?

so what's my plan B?
i'll try to seek my hospital approval and apply for this nov intake @ Curtin U (Singapore) then i'll graduate next Nov 2012.

somewhat it's the conventional way...
but i really really hope that i won't be come a conventional nurse.
i really like to expose myself more...

oh wells, i should stop thinking about it and survive through March.
freakkkkkk!