Kitty's baby refused to come out today.

I had a great time with my church friends last night and skipped mentu

I'm going to have breakfast with Yvonne later in the morning at 7:30am

Suefern waited till 12am to greet me happy birthday cuz i insisted

The no. of wishes i got within 10mins was 14.. and there's more coming.

I'm going to work afternoon shift. will i have birthday luck??
currently its 12/19 patients *fingers crossed*

i missed my group of poly friends who've been celebrating my bday for the past 4 years. now they're ALL IN AUSTRALIA!! except sharon. >.<

I received wishes on FB from people who looked familiar, but i totally forget who are they. *guilty*

i'm freaking 22 years old already. 364 more days to 23 and still counting.

sometimes you handle different tasks, different roles in life
and when many of its worries and unforseen circumstances
just overwhelms you, and drowns you with all sorts of emotions
that makes you weary, what will you do?

when you're given a new task, a new role on top of what you have
will you be try to take the chance to make it up to own expectations
because you know it's possible.

i've become a perfectionist.
that because of all the worries, discouragements, the helplessness
that i've been through, made me felt sick and tired
that i dont want to go thru anymore
that when there's a new chance, a new task, i want it to be done right.
something that i think should be right. and not what others think.
i guess then, i'll won't be disappointed,
i won't be discouraged.

but again, i realised that i've upset the people around me.
too focus at doing things right in my own expectations
losing focus on the more important aspect, the relationships
the time spent together,

oh no. not a perfectionist, but a self-centred, selfish girl.

Lord, what have i become?

This is my first breakdown i have this year.
from all the committments i've made.

had a chat with wenya which became a trigger point for breaking down
i guessed all these while i've been keeping all the issues inside me
and ignoring it. which really affects my performance.

i guessed for the past few days,
too many disappointments set in.

the many mistakes that i made at work
the many little things that i've mislooked especially in my documentations
my preceptor who guides me when i first came into the ICU, she's very disappointed with me. i guess wenya too.
i know i can do better
that's why i'm also very disappointed with myself when errors happened, when documentations not complete.

then in 1735
its really tough to push people to do things right.
i'm not talking about doing things perfect. i'm just talking about doing right.
from comm members to cell group leaders to every members in 1735

and i know in Alpha Camp
there's will be more things to push forth.

but i know this is the reality that i have to face.
everyone, everywhere is the same.
at work, in church
this is the first time i breakdown in the start of my busy half year.
i believe there will be more.
but every tear i shed.
i'll make sure it makes me even stronger.

Story 1
i saw this old man crying out loud
because his younger sister is in the ICU, sedated, intubated.
he walks up and down in the room,
having tears welled up in his eyes.
kept asking me " Staff Nurse, can she able to hear me when i keep talking to her?"
well i told him "Yes, she is there. she can hear you, but u need to wake her up first because she's sleeping due to the medication we're infusing to her."
then he shared, "very pitiful, really very pitiful. She's a very nice lady, she takes care of my family well, because she couldn't let go of her bad relationship, she became schizophrenic. i always take care of her, look after her"
then he turned to his sister, " ah mui, if you can hear me, pls nod your head."
and back to me saying, "i only want to see her opening her eyes."
"fate lah, its fate, really."

Story 2
Young guy here two years older than me.
He's fighting with the ventilator, and the ventilator keeps beeping.
He's very tachypneic, breathing at the rate of 40breaths per min
I went over to him, pat his chest and asked him to breath slowly
right opposite me was his father and he asked me anxiously"why is the ventilator
keeps on alarming?"
then i told him " Your son is fine, just that he's breathing too fast, i'm trying to ask him to relax and breath slowly. i'll inform the Dr to increase the medication for him to relax more."
the father then pat his son on the chest, worried and anxious, asking his son to breath slowly and tearing away.

Story 3
I took care of her for a few times in the ICU, it was really quite heartbreaking to see her deteriorate. from a simple Pneumonia TB, to liver failure due the TB medications, to renal shutdown. from a thin lady, became a edematous lady
broken skins all over her body.
She's very cooperative, she will help me in turning herself, she will nod her head when she sees me, she will thumbs up when i did a thumb up to her. that was like a few weeks ago back in may, where she still can smile.

Later much after her tracheostomy, she's not smiling anymore.
whenever her family came to visit her, talk to her over the intercom, she just refused to open her eyes. but few days back, she finally opened her eyes,
and right infront of her, is her WHOLE KAMPONG of family.
she smiled again, once and waving to them. then i nv see her smile again.

till today, i looked at her i spoke to her in malay
"NehNek, okay? Ada sa kit? Bagus tak?"
and she smiled at me.


Sometimes I really don't know how to comfort the family, but to let go of my work for a while and be a listening ear for them to allow them to tell me patient's life, some can be really good as in they how they appreciate the patient, how nice they were before, how's their life like. and sometimes it can be really bad like how the patient abandoned them, or treat them badly but they are still willing to visit the patient.

Sometimes when they asked me "how's my mother? how's my father? how's my son?"
its like the toughest question to answer. I'll always tell them that "patient is currently stable, and still status quo. sometimes i'll just tell them that we're all doing our best to give him/her the best treatments, currently what we're doing is this and that and my job here is to keep him/her comfortable, pain free."
But i know that the patient can never be comfortable, and patient is deteriorating further each day.


But at the same time, as i comfort others, my patients will comfort me too.
whenever i felt stressed up with adrenaline rush, i felt tied up at work
i felt really tired like.. gosh am i going to continue doing these for years?
i'll always get like a smile, a nod, or looked into my eyes, those like dreamy, teary thank you kind of expression, an expression really hard to describe but i know.

its something that money can never buy.
a satisfaction that reassures me a lot that i can render good care to my very ill patients. something that keeps holding me on when i'm discouraged.
like all the little frustrations have turned into smoke and disappeared.

this is why i really liked nursing.

well today i've different groups of ppl asking me about R
like any updates?
am i out of this whole thing?

that point of time
i can only say,
well, i'm just taking it like normal
it's much better than before.

we hanged out with a group of friends
and they thought that it'll be awkward
but in fact nope. it's not awkward anymore.
i'm rather happy that we all hanged out.
get to know slight bit more of each other at least.

i guess true enough i DO have feelings still
and i dunno is it because i'm too used to it or what
but i guess i'll just hide it somewhere deep in my heart
and really move on.

i won't expect anything
i just want to be like normal
and be open to any relationships that comes by.

no longer will i pray for R to happen
no longer will i pray for us to have a better friendship
no longer will i be awkward with him around
no longer will i care about what he thinks of me.

it's going to be silly memories i have
and i really thank God for these memories
some that are sweet, some that are sour
and i'll keep them somewhere deep in my heart
a secret that will nv leak out to him
and that i'll move on, allowing nature to take its course.

someone asked me
"am i prepared to be single?"

well, that i really dont know.
but i do believe that God planned someone for me.
just that we're still finding our way for each other.
even if there isn't a day where we meet
i guess, there and then, i'll be much prepared to stay single.

yes, i really do like you R
even when i heard about bad stuffs about you ahaha!
but now i'm really going to say goodbye
to the feelings i have for you.
i know i didnt make efforts to try or i really did. via msn chats! but it was awkward
i know i hid it all these while for a very long time praying about it
i know i didnt make it known to you instead to most of ppl around you hahaha!
i know there's alot of signals i got that relates much towards you that keeps me holding on, and probably you will never know about it.
i know that these are feelings accumulated so long that i probably wont forget
but its a choice i make
and it's going to be a true choice, a choice i will not regret.
its not easy but i believe its the best for myself.

you were a eye candy when i was sec 2, then a crush after you're back from army when we served together, till today.. it was like freaking long!

but then, goodbye to the R i liked for so long.
hello to friend R.

friends, i'm really fine with R hanging around me. really.
=)

i totally understand why wenya says she's tired.
even though we have enough rest, we're still tired.

it's that mental stress that made us tired.
every min, every sec, i need to use my brains
"okay what's next? should i do this first or do that first?"
"patient's BP is getting lower, which medication should i increase or decrease first?"
"IVs, is this first dose? what time should i give? what's the time for next dose?"
"bloods, should i take it now? or do something else first? is it urgent?"
"what have i given to the patients, what are the IVs that i've given, what do i need to charge the patient, what do i need to chart in my IO chart?"
"what else have i missed out? have i done everything?"

on top of all these million questions, i need to look out for patient, pulling out the catheters, being restless, fighting with the ventilator, handling all the questions bombarded by the family, chasing the family members out.

and if you're taking 3 patients, you need to do all these x3!


i really can't wait for my bond to end. really.

today had a horrible horrible shift.
i felt horrible too. grr.
i'm still at my learning stage, there's a lot of things i need to catch up esp 8 months away from work.i need some time.
i'm not some adv dip trained ICU nurse who graduate and WILL KNOW EVERYTHING.

because my ICU experience in the NEW KTPH is only like less than half a year.
many things changed from AH to KTPH. i need some time to adapt.
sighs. just need to whine it out.

nways, on a brighter note.
past few days i dunno izzit due to pmsing or what.
i really think that nursing is not my cuppa tea.
or... the ICU isn't my cuppa tea.
but today again, God brought me back into nursing.
i had a short short talk with my patient today

" Good morning Uncle T! "
" morning! "
" what's your name? "
" Gabrielle "
" local? "
" yup! "
" oh my gosh, malena stools "
" what's malena stools? "
" its stale malena stools, means you're passing out 'old' blood "
" oh my gosh, fresh blood aspirate, uncle T u're bleeding from the upper GIT. "
" maybe u need a scope, have you done any during this admission? "
" i've done twice, once in 1994, the other 2008. "
" mmm okay, but most likely the Drs will do a scope for you today. "
" do i have to take laxatives? "
" nope because u're already having diarrhea and very watery malena stools "

" morning Dr Eng! "
" Sir, i think you need to have a scope done. "
" okay and i'll trust and rely on God, i praise the Lord. "

" alright uncle T, i'll leaving you here, u okay? "
" can i have my call bell, i feel safer with the call bell. "
" here's your call bell, but dont worry, i'll always peek on you to make sure u're fine "

he had an urgent OGD done and was intubated, after that..

" hi again uncle T are you okay? now you can't talk alright, breath slowly and relax, you're doing well now. "
(he made the call bell gesture)
" here's your call bell "

and that's my last sentence to him.
he left this evening and be with our Father in heaven.


He knows the risks, but he leave it to the Lord
although still there's fear, even the last moment, he needs to grab unto something safe, but i strongly believe that he still praises the Lord.

what about myself? when i said i rely and trust in the Lord, did i?
come and think about it now, what i went through today is peanuts.
what i fear is to make mistakes, to be looked down. i dont want to be compared.
well for uncle T, he just fear that the Lord will take him away before his son reached Singapore.

its a different kind of fear, but same kind of faith.
the difference here is how much is our faith.


so jinx today cuz i didnt pray before start of shift!
=(

is going to be VERY EXCITING.

1. Becoming a trained ICU staff in 4 more days.
2. Chair Alpha Camp from today till the camp day.
3. Youth Sunday this July
4. THAILAND GET AWAY WITH LOVE ONES <3
5. JCI audit this August
6. Prepare to move into Westwood 277 this September
7. Move into 277 this Oct
8. 1735 Comm retreat cum planning this Oct
9. Graduate from MenTu this Nov
10. ALPHA CAMP!

i really need laughters, because it keeps me away from all forms of stress,
just laughter and be happy.
many things happened at work, it wasn't smooth for me
8 months away from patient's bedside and coming back to work
this transition is really tough.

left 5 more days as a student in the ICU
after which there will be more stress at work.
because i'm trained.

thsnk God, with some help from alcohol,
i had a good laugh, i can just laugh out loud,
do stupid things and laugh.


since i start work again,
i really what i need most are laughters.

laugh indeed the best medicine.

ever since i started work again
i'm not laughing like before.

is it the environment? because patients are critically ill
and those faces on each family members portrays sadness
or is it my colleauges? they are too stressed up or too busy with work
that they just shut themselves at their desk, mugging away
or is it myself? just unable to blend into my workplace?

a qns was posted during book review. "showing of hands, how many people felt passionate about coming to work?"

my ans is no. i'm not at all passionate about gg to work.
i used to have it but now no. then i asked myself why??

i still like to take care of my patients, i find joy in them
when i see them smile even they are very sick, when i see them looked into my eyes
giving me a tired "thank you", it can really make my day.
relatives being sad, and i can be there for them, i felt good too!
so reason doesnt lie with my patients nor relatives

which leads to the 2nd possible reason. Colleauges

true enough, i can't blend well with my colleagues
we're of different frequency. i really thank God that at least i have wenya on the same shift with me, so that at least there's some social factor at work
after 8 mths of school and stuffs, social became a big factor for me.
and i really need it.

then the 3rd reason. self
i guess i've been giving myself high expectations,
and when things goes wrong i just dwell upon the incident for like hundred years.
and keep having negative perceptions.



i guess, this start of the month.
i need to do something and change. whatever happened in may. leave it there.
and move on...

child of God
staff nurse

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