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Thursday, July 28, 2011 @ 10:18 PM

God is able

God never fails us.
it does not mean that He'll give you what you want
like success, wealth, health, relationships.
it means that He's always with us, never forsake us.
God is good.
it's so difficult to comprehend His greatness.
God is love.
really need to be in a relationship with Him and experience it
to know how is it like.

Met up with G today and the last time we saw each other was 1year plus ago.
it was planned as a mere causal chit chat session
but it turned out to be a session planned by God. not coincidental at all.
told her all the problems i've been facing recently, all my emotions, frustrations, desires. and God really spoke to me thru her.

ever since i've started work again, things haven't been smooth, that i mean spiritually. skipped church, skipped cell, dropped DG.
drowned myself into earthly issues and desires, to fill up that emptiness.

desire for branded stuffs
desire for beauty
desire for a relationship
desire for a promotion
desire for money
desire for popularity
desire for knowledge
desire for many more
for the past few days, these desires overwhelmed my desire for God.

being a lurker in a whatsapp group chat made me envy for that fellowship session
almost everyday in the CBD area. suddenly i felt that i'm so near yet so far...
their frequent meet ups for lunch, dinner, gcb, suppers, ds sessions is what i envy and what i really want also, but i know that with all my shift duties, it's almost impossible.

a colleague told me yesterday that her boyfriend proposed to her. i can see her joy.
my good friend happily married, and have a baby girl. i can see her joy.
colleagues, patients, friends keep asking me "do you have a boyfriend?". "why not?"
"too picky?" "don't set expectations so high lah" and i'm really tired of these questions, even though i still smiled and say "no, let nature take its course."
i do envy and hope for someone to love me. someone who can be with me. tolerate me. cuddle me when i'm happy or sad. who don't?

my life have a lot of imperfections. looking thru old photos, i'm so afraid i'll have all the pimples, looking fat, bloated physical appearance. such that i started to dress up, i'll always go online and look at the branded stuffs and online shopping stuffs. Even though i didnt get them, but i look at them almost like everyday hoping to buy them all, which is still lusting. I spent bombs on skincare products, make ups, braces, its all just to hide imperfections, creating a good first impression, looking good, looking pretty. but i know all these won't help at all. because inner beauty shines, and i've lost them, because i'm not smiling heartily.

at work, i want to be knowledgeable, be recognized, be lovable among colleagues, family, patient, so i can be promoted fast, more pay, more money, lead a better life.i hid mistakes, i help others hide mistakes. but i know these comes with a price if hidden agenda is promotion and wealth.

yes, i'm chasing for earthly stuffs more than chasing after God.
I overwhelms God. I like, I want, I need
pointless. everything is pointless.

envy others in CBD for their frequent meetups, for what?? fellowship?
if our friendships based on CBD meetups, isn't it too weak? do i want it even?
lurking in whatsapp, i know how's my friends doing, i'm updated. won't that be enough?
wanting a relationship, but my relationship with God?
i can't even let go of that one-sided relationship, ha ha ha! am i asking too much?
physical imperfections. well, people do say i look prettier, so?
how's the first impressions? where's the real cheery smile?
strive for excellence at work, but i can't even admit my mistakes!
yea.. excellence. bullshit.

i failed myself. again and again,
i'm being stubborn, being in control of everything
i've become pessimistic, i allowed myself to drop further.

i felt lost for leading alpha camp, i dunno what to do
same as 1735, i dunno what to do.
i lost motivation, i lost passion.
i use disappointments as an excuse
totally disappointed with myself.
and still did not pray and seek God.
i just refused to address to this whole issue

but today, God made me address to this, thru G.
i'm reminded to count my blessings, don't envy others, cuz my blessing is higher than theirs.
i'm taught how to pray, pray for God to remove all these little worries, all these desires that's in me. the problem is all laid right infront of me. i just need to pray for it to be removed.
i'm asked to do a closure for that one-sided relationship, in order to move on for my future partner.
i'm called to seek ye first. when there's a conflict, you know there's something not right because God won't put conflicts in His service, it have to be sorted out with prayers and talk about it.

seek for His answers, not my own answers. What He wants, not what I want.
continuously feed on His Word. Let Him sit on the throne.

Monday, July 25, 2011 @ 1:41 AM

have a little faith

in mitch albom's book 'have a little faith' says,
faith is about doing.you are how you act, not just how you believe.

Ever since i started work again, i'm missing a lot of church activites.
DG session, Cell Group, Men Tu

i ask myself then, how have i been feeling
when i've skipped church and Men tu for so many weeks.
I've somehow to an extend, lost touch with the bible.
it feels like... empty and unimportant.

it's like eating alone, such that it doesnt matter what kind of food i eat,
junk food, finger food etc. i'm full that's it. but i know its unhealthy.
unlike eating with many people, you'll plan and find a nice place, eat something healthier, a proper meal at least.

this is the same as feeding on God's word
and i've been feeding on it by myself.

Monday, July 18, 2011 @ 9:51 PM

This is Our God

Made a stand for having Ministry time in Alpha Camp by sending an email out to Rev Yu as well as all the Daoshis. And also to hope that the church allows Ian to come and speak, but the church pastoral team rejected Ian as the speaker
but allows Ministry time to happen in Alpha Camp =)

and i think this is enough. although from Rev Yu, the passage that God used to speak to me wasn't really in sync with the context i'm in
but i do believe that God spoke and His will be done.

being rejected or not supported for sure does made me feel discouraged, but i know that He wants me to continue to seek Him and draw near to Him each and every time, again and again.

indeed THIS IS OUR GOD.

Your grace is enough
More than I need
At Your word I will believe
I wait for You
Draw near again
Let Your Spirit make me new
I will fall at Your feet
And I will worship You here

Colossians 3:23-24
"23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

Saturday, July 16, 2011 @ 11:51 AM

show up

was doing my QT and its titled Show Up.
read the story in Acts 15
where it says in verse 6

"5 Then some of the believers who belonged to the party of the Pharisees stood up and said, “The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to keep the law of Moses.” 6 The apostles and elders met to consider this question. 7 After much discussion, Peter got up and addressed them: “Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe. 8 God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. 9 He did not discriminate between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith. 10 Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of Gentiles a yoke that neither we nor our ancestors have been able to bear? 11 No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”"

it feels like what I've went through with my pastor, camp teachers
there's some traditions that my church have to keep or have to be aware of.

then at the same time, there's a disagreement i have with my vice chairperson
just like Paul and Barnabas, refused to bring Mark along.
and again, God spoke in 2 Tim , Paul said to Tim to being Mark along, because he knows that he is helpful in the ministry.

thinking about myself being a 1735 ministry chairperson, alphacamp chairperson,
a leader in church, in cell. i'm called to preach.

Luke 12:47-48
47 “And a servant who knows what the master wants, but isn’t prepared and doesn’t carry out those instructions, will be severely punished. 48 But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.

I know the Lord wants revival in our church, but i have a lot of worries, putting own experiences and relating myself to all, which is wrong.

2 Tim 4:1-5

I solemnly urge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who will someday judge the living and the dead when he appears to set up his Kingdom: 2 Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.

3 For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will reject the truth and chase after myths.

5 But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don’t be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.

in this quiet time with God, yes the answer is there.
and i thank God for this. Its like telling me
"Yes Gabrielle, listen, this is what I want."