心里真的不想, 很不想去面对.
但被强迫去面对它, 去尝试着面对自己必须面对的考验

但是, 失败了.

在那里, 感觉很陌生. 很客气.
再也不像家.
对于大家, 我只能试着微笑
心里却从满了尴尬, 愧疚, 无奈
觉得已经不属于那里.

这不是第一次.
就因为这不是头-次,
所以这次的考验...真是难倒我了!

莫人曾经问我, "怎么了?"
我告诉他说, "累了. 也不想说, 你也不要和任何人说."
我知道他..感觉得到..我怎么了.

很久以前, 我告诉自己
"要面对!逃避不是办法!"
这次也一样, 我面对了，也失败了。
因为在那里， 我想得到的， 一直努力想要的
好像完全根本就得不到，拿不到，不见了。

空了。

另一位莫人， 好像也看出..我怎么了.
他说，"你怎么样？有什么困难，要来找我们."
我就对他说, "没事,没有,很好,还可以."

事实上, 我在那里感觉已经喘不过气了.
好想离开,尽快离开.
根本就没有办法通过自己的这一关, 我真的无法说出口.


这次是真的. 累了. 想离开了...

*哦,别担心,这不是一封遗书.HAHA! 我很珍惜我的生命.
只不过, 有个地方, 可能是时候, 该... 离开了.

i like to go out for a walk.
be it shopping centres, along the pavement,
in my house estate, park connector routes
i do really enjoy the time spent there.

i'll go for a walk at shopping centres
when i want to avoid thinking about everything im facing in life.
because there, i get easily distracted by material stuffs
and probably spend abit here and there.

i'll go for a walk along the pavements if i'm on my way home
i'll alight at earlier bus stops or walk to the next bustop that's nearest to the actual bus stop.
when i want to think about the issues in my life,
what's the latest craze that's bothering me, asking myself a lot of qns.

i'll go for a walk in my house estate, park connectors
when i'm doing my brisk walking for health and fitness sake.
warm ups and cool downs walks really made me feel much active,
much alive because the heart is pumping really hard with all the sweat.
it's for a total FEEL SHIOK, FEEL GOOD after sweat thing.


as much as i enjoy the walks.
i guess it also reflects another part of me which is.. i cannot be still.
At work i walk a lot. basically i dont really sit for the whole shift hours.
after work, sometimes i'll just walk around the shopping malls that's so near e hosp
or my home, else i'll go for a jog .

one thing about the walks, it's aimless.
i just take the route where ever i like.
if i like this turn, i'll take it.
if i want a shorter route, i'll take that.
same as what's going on in me.
probably aimless, but definitely self-centred
and easily distracted.

my throat infection is a blessing in disguise
and i thank God for that, although its painful and sore
at least i have time to complete all my own stuffs.

i'm just feeling very tired, needed a rest,
but i'm having insomia.

very stressed up recently,
got 2 days MC because i really don't feel like going to work
too tired and sick of work.
pissed with some colleagues, pissed with my sister who did such a horrible roster,
pissed with my day off requests are not granted, my request for shifts are all not granted, which made alot of things difficult for me.

time is ticking,
and there's so much to do.

at work, i'm always feeling exhausted, we're all so strectched.
during my 1 day off, all i want to do is to rest.
but i can't because at the back of my head,
i have my servings for the ministry to do.

alpha camp, 1735 ministry plannings, servings in YYXZ

and i really felt horrible that i didn't do well as a chairperson
cuz i can't even chair the meetings, attend meetings or
publicise the camp.
1735 as well, i cant attend hua gong meetings, i can't attend the activities.
i'm missing out on my cell group meetings. and i'm the cell group leader.

sometimes i wonder, when i decided to take up these roles,
did God really ask me to? or i just want to take it up?

well, God wants me to take it up.
then again.. why are things not going on smoothly?
in fact they are in a great mess??

freaking pissed off by my mom since morning.
she just nv stop irritating me.

URGH!

now u know why i neither like to stay at home
nor to eat the dinner that she cooked.

URGHH!!

if one asked me who you hate or dislike,
for sure its her!!


URGHHHHHH!!!

For this reason, I, Paul, the prisoner of Christ Jesus for the sake of you Gentiles -
Surely, you have heard about the administration of God's grace that was given to me for you, that is, the mystery made known to me by revelation, as I have already written briefly. In reading this, then, you will be able to understand my insight into the mystery of Christ, which was not made known to men in other generations as it has now revealed by the Spirit to God's holy apostles and prophets. This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles and heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus.

I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power. Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedon and confidence. I ask you, therefore not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.

Spent the whole day thinking about what to do for prayer walk...
and what i got in my heart my mind the whole day
is how to plan a praise session... at the end of the prayer walk.
my whole heart was in praise. i was listening and watching the hillsongs live worships, my heart just sang along with it.

through the songs, God gave me this passage. Ephesians 3
i typed out the whole passage above and i'm very amazed by his work once again.

Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things

有时感到寂寞，会害怕孤单
有时感到累了，会害怕疲倦
有时感到无力，会害怕无阻
有时感到被忘，会害怕被遗忘
有时感到受伤，会害怕被伤害

感觉捆绑着理智
害怕胜过着盼望
忧虑蒙盖着眼光
世界不停在呼喊

但是有了你， 一切都会不一样。

today i nursed 2 patients, both of them are indians.

patient 1
He self extubated himself few days back and he's known to be very restless
so it was a strict must be well tied tight restraint.
but as i assessed him, looking at him, i untied him whenever i'm inside
because told him that i'll trust him that he won't pull out his ETT.
and i really trusted him.
when i did suctioning for him, he wanted to do it himself, and i just gave him the cathether.
what Kylie(physiotherapist) said was true indeed. trust him, just let him do something, like sitting out of the bed, remove the restrainers, i'm sure he won't pull out the ETT.
Freedom is something all intubated patients wants.

patient 2
He have a bad heart. very very bad.
he can't strain while passing motion because it can be very fatal.
so what he does at home was to spray alot of water into his anus to soften the stools
also, to use his own fingers to dig it out.
then i told him, he can't do that as it may cause infection if he were to traumatize the rectum by digging too much, in fact he should look into his diet to address this issue.
so he mentioned yes he did, he didn't dare to eat a full diet like rice, etc he only eats porridge and drink plenty of water so that the stool will turn soft.
but he can't do that too, because of his heart, he must be fluid restricted
otherwise he will get cardiogenic APO (acute pulmonary Oedema)
then later in the evening, the cardiothoracic surgeon can to review him for by-pass.
but realised that he can't do as it will not be beneficial and he's too risky to do, he may just die on the table. therefore suggest medical treatment. He knows now that he's carrying a time bomb around. and started crying with his family. it's really a sad thing to see.

He missed his very first chance of CABG, and now its simply just too late.

so tired from work.
patients are getting more and more terribly ill
everyday at work is just adrenaline rush
so busy that we didnt eat, didnt drink and didn't pee.

past few days have been nursing very sick patients.
a drug addict who have rhamdomylosis and requires dialysis.
a man who was given 10 shocks and got admitted, coded again and resuscitated for about 1 hr.
a lady today who have seizures right after my break when i went to check on her,
constantly bleeding and did fluid resuscitation as well as blood transfusions.
more and more very sick patients, more and more death, very high turnover rate.

i'm really tired... =(

today i literally DRAGGED myself to church.
since ytd i didnt want to go to church
because i'm really tired.

physically tired because of the lack of rest. my bad. i slept late last night
because i was researching about medical insurance for my whole family.

mentally tired because i'm quite burdened by all my servings
>1735 retreat cum planning day, i have not thought of what to do
and i'm working morning shift that day, my day off wasn't granted.

>alpha camp: i have yet approached all the daoshis, i have not meet the speaker yet.
i have no idea who should i put as incharge for prayer walk, or what to do for prayer walk.

> YYXZ: most of the time i'm rostered as backup singer, but i can't go for pracs because of work. which always become an issue for myself and the person who did e roster.

i'm basically just setting quite a bad example myself as a leader because i cannot attend meetings due to work, i can't attend morning prayer sessions due to work and i haven't been consistantly reading the fasting materials even though i fasted, i did not pray. i'm not actively helping out or following up with 1735 events and activites.


so.. i dragged myself to church, attended DG session, honestly i didnt read the book
i stopped at chapter 2, the lesson is about faith, diff definition of faith.
then went for lishi service for the worship session only because i need to go to work.
all i felt was guilt. probably that's the character of my faith.
as i sing, "Shepherd of my soul, i GIVE YOU FULL CONTROL... 在你荣耀中所有的一切不再重要转眼已成空我也无所求。。。“
i felt very shameful as i sing and realized that there's alot of things in my life i just can't let go. i want to control it.

i'm was really really burden with the qns. HOW??!
i have not do this i have not do that. HOW??!
i'm supposed to plan a sharing part for the kelong trip
but 2 day off request only 1 day is given the other is not granted, i can't go for the trip anymore.
8th oct is 1735 planning cum retreat day, i have not planned what to do yet!
i have not discuss with vivian about that day! HOW!!???

thank God for the kelong trip, Yong cai is taking over my part
and really really amazingly because of the JCI audit, we're all granted 1 more extra day off! and sister JJ said i can claim it on 8th oct, so i can do the retreat and planning for 1735!

i stunned, and it's really amazing
it's like God trying to tell me "hey gabrielle, i know you didnt make any effort in trying to make things work, you planned to do last min work and throw the work to some else, you didn't even pray and you said it's impossible, but I'm POSSIBLE."

i was really thankful because really, i don't want to throw the work for someone else to bear, but to settle it all myself hopefully, and God made it possible."
indeed 上帝的工作是不会倒的

however i felt even more guilty of His love for me.
and more burden.
so i decided to step down my serving from YYXZ and as a cell leader
as for 1735, i continue to hold on first before my meeting because i got no idea who can i look for to take up my role and i didn't have time to look for someone.

like suefern said, maybe it's time for me to be discipled rather than to lead.

child of God
staff nurse

March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
September 2012
October 2012
November 2012
December 2012
January 2013
February 2013
March 2013
April 2013
May 2013
June 2013
September 2013
January 2018