Friday, December 30, 2011 @ 10:24 PM
retail therapy
yup, for the past few days, i've been crazily shopping.
buying clothes, shoes, accessories
and how to i mark the end of my 2011?
i pierced 2 extra ear holes today.
and countdown with my childhood friends.
happy new year.
@ 10:20 PM
hold it! breathe in and out~
really pissed and sad today at work.
felt really disrespected when K raised her voice at me in front of the Drs and junior nurses.
really angry with her.
what's worst is i need to bear that anger inside,
and pretend that everything was alright
I've been pretty hypocritical at work.
i can't see who are the people i can deem as friends.
it feels like everyone is on their toes, watching their own back.
i don't really mix around with my colleagues often about our own life.
it's usually just work. and it feels like forcing myself to smile at them,
being friendly each day at work, is even more tiring that taking care of the patient.
i missed my ward 10 colleagues so much, at least we're like friends
we hang out, we are not that exclusive, we're friends.
the workplace is so much more fun.
sighs i can't wait to leave the hospital
and go somewhere else.
2 years bond, starting soon. 010112
Monday, December 26, 2011 @ 12:40 PM
it's christmas time. to give and forgive.
Q said, " this day(christmas) probably be an important day to you."
then, i asked myself back.. is christmas important to me?
ohwells, it's not really important to me, but it's a chance for me to
give thanks to my family and friends who loves me, care and concern about me
and also to reconcile with friends that i've once hurt before.
reconciled with TY during alpha camp as he was hurt by my honest remarks.
and now we're really good.
also, i'm trying to reconcile with J, but its feels... like不知所错
it feels like i'm at fault. but i've apologized... so what's next?
then, i wonder if it is worth to reconcile the relationship?
or because i should reconcile the relationship because we're all children of God?
in J's case, if i were to measure worth, i'd say probably not.
but as christians, both of us, isn't reconciliation ought to be done?
Monday, December 19, 2011 @ 12:27 AM
this is grace.
Alpha camp finally ended yesterday!!!
i'll say that it is really amazing.
many last min changes and hiccups but i believe it's all God's will, everything is controlled by Him.
and i really give thanks for that.
remember during day two,
i really felt super tired after the whole day at bukit batok nature reserve.
and i have this urge to remove the night games that day.
cuz the campers looked tired, and i also felt that we should do more spiritual stuffs
like sharing about how we felt after being betrayed during the games etc.
so with the daoshis, we discussed about whether should we remove the night games. because i wanted the campers to go and shower and freshen up for the talk.
from the discussions, i can see that most of them doesn't want to remove it,
they want to continue the game, don't have to force the campers to shower for the talk.
i personally felt, at that point of time,
it feels like that daoshis may think that it will make the campers feel that the camp becomes boring,
if we all just do sharings, listen to the talk and these will spoil the campy mood.
i also felt that the talk seems to be least important than the games. and i was pretty frustrated.
but i thank God that they gave me the authority to decide whether to cancel it or not.
so i went into another room, feeling very frustrated.
why do i have this feeling that they belittle the talk session. this year, i wanted the camp to be more spiritual and not only just having fun with games and just buzz the objectives,
i want the campers to acknowledge their emotions they have during the gameplay as well as hopefully to relate it back to their own lives. and i remembered how may and i fought for a spiritual ministry time for this year's alpha camp. i teared as i told May about how frustrated i were when it feels that the spiritual aspect of the camp is missing.
we literally cried out and prayed that the Lord will make full use of the time during the talk and sharings when we decided to remove the night games. and we spoken to Rev Lek, hoping that he can suggest sharing pointers for us. that point of time when i decided to go ahead by removing the games,
i received a text msg saying that the campers are pretty hype up with the food auction games.
and it feels like a voice telling me "hey you don't have to remove the night games!".
but i decided to remove the games still.
when i spoke to the daoshis, they kind of expected it. and 1 of them told me..
"then you'll be having tension with the prog comm". i replied " i can handle this."
i went to look for the prog comm, they were very cool about it.
in fact they are thankful too as they are all tired already. i thank God again.
then during the short break time before the talk, i spoke to a few campers
asking them how they felt when they know that the night games is off.
they were pretty sad about it. and my heart softens, i was wondering should we continue the night games after the talk. then again, i told myself, NO. i cancelled the game already and i want this time for the Lord to work.
then that night, i saw how the Lord uses His perfect time to do this perfect work.
i teared again. looking at the campers' response, i know the Lord is at work touching each individual's life.
my heart is just filled with praise.
it was a God centric decision. (thanks to Jian en for the small talk before the camp)
be it so many people telling me "hey don't remove the night games" , i choose to believe and trust that the Lord will use the night games time to work His ways, and He did.
1 person received christ that night.
then that same night again, we're all talking about pei tan yuans, what's the protocol, what's the best way to plan it. then, i was frustrated again. i felt that why do we choose who should pray for whom.
if one is spirit led and want to pray for the person who responded, why can't they just go and pray for this person? prayers are unlimited right?
i told the comm that i believe that with the amount of pei tan yuans we have assigned, we will be short handed still, because i believe that the Lord will work in our campers and whoever steps out, whoever is crying at the seats they need to be ministered. even those who are not responding, they also have to be ministered by having people to keep praying at the back for their hearts to response, for the Lord to work.
it's not only for the people who responded! i was really frustrated again.
and we came out with a plan still.
the next day, alpha night response was overwhelming. we couldn't handle at all. too many people have to be prayed for and we're short handed. but i was glad. because the Lord worked again.. and the human thing in me was a lil proud... i'm like "hehe see i'm right! why do we need to plan who to pray for who?"
i felt that the Lord really hears by prayer from the start of the camp
when i prayed "Lord, be with me. be with me"
and He did.
another thing that the Lord touches my heart was the prayer walk.
after taking turns with May to brief the campers about the prayer walk group by group, i didn't go and rest, instead i felt that i wanted to be in the prayer walk looking at the campers walking thru.
my heart cries out to the Lord again.
this person at this station is broken. that person at that station is hurt.
i can feel those hurt deep down in my heart, i can see the Lord is working in them.
the scene was disheartening yet comforting.
then i walked into the sanctuary, saw many of them writing letters
i was touched by the Lord once again
these broken relationships are all submitted to the Lord, these people are re-committing themselves to the Lord, these people are willing to acknowledge all the hurts they have.
it was legendary, it was awesome.
to be able to see that amazing grace the Father have for us
to see how much Love the Father fill us with
to see the works of the Holy Spirit guiding each and every individual to know the Savior,
to know the Father.
indeed, God is God, He is Lord, this Love endures forever.
AMEN! CONNECTED 2011 成功！！
Tuesday, December 13, 2011 @ 2:34 AM
this relationship
chatted with Q regarding life and relationships, shared to him what's christianity is like to me personally.
and i told him that it's a relationship with God, that needs to be build and cultivate just like all the relationships we have in life.
alpha camp is approaching like in a day time.
and this year we're going to talk about these relationships we have.
i actually took a very huge step in the camp
by sharing e one sided relationship i have with R.
it's kind of scary, cuz its really showing the other side of myself
but i really want to honor God in this relationship
because He really pulled me thru, even at times i was angry about the signs that happened when i prayed for them, holding me back and making me confused, unable to really let go
it's been years and finally.
now as i type and think about of the relationships that i have, i really felt blessed
a new friendship i have with Q, he's actually one medical officer i've worked with in the ICU, and we remained friends.
a mentor-student relationship i have with T, an APN who is training me up and teaches me a lot in the ICU
a broken friendship with J that taught me that it always takes two hands to clap for a relationship to work
a crazy kinship with my 6 beloved crazy cuzzies which are the culprits for the short batt life in my iPhone
a reunited friendships with my poly cliques after 4 of them back from Aust since last year.
a long distance east never-meets west friendship with S which maintains well
a multi titles friendship with W, besties, colleagues, partners just proved that we're really cool
a childhood friendship i have with E, knowing she'll be reading this, it's really good that we met out past two days and have a chat.
etc etc etc
surely there's ups and downs in these relationships, even relationships with God
it's just because we all have flaws.. it takes 2 perfect being to create a perfect relationship
and humans can never be perfect. but does that mean that we can't have a perfect relationship at all??
Saturday, December 10, 2011 @ 1:20 PM
同情心在哪？
too many deaths are happening in e icu lately, its almost like 2-3 in a day...
such that recently i realised that i've actually lost my empathetic side.
when a death occurs in e ward, we'll just joke abt e nurse or dr on that shift being so jinx.
ran for my first code blue ytd.. was just helpin out as e icu is quite free..
usually when i hold e code blue phone, there isnt any code blue..
code blue is where a pt's at somewhere out of icu heart stopped and collapsed.
yup, to me, i just thought e whole thing was fun.
and deep down in me, a pt who has alot of comorbid conditions should die instead of trying all our best to save him/her as there is no longer quality of life.
因为看到最糟的，好多小事好像变成了...
无所谓。
Friday, December 09, 2011 @ 10:21 PM
同情心在哪？
Tuesday, December 06, 2011 @ 11:10 PM
month of december
i'm kind of going crazy with all the countless things that i have to do.
alpha camp stuffs like grouping lists, money matters, prep for my testimony etc
1735 stuffs like year end party
work wise i need to come out with the whole year 2012 in-service topics by 10th!
4 days!!
talking about work,
it's amazing that i'm approaching 4th year next year 6th apr.
wow. time flies.very very fast.
my roles and responsibilities also increased...
will be auditor for fall and patient/family education
will be doing bedside clinical sharing
in service topics coordinator and also to do.
all these to be done on top of my own work.
i guess it's going to be quite a challenging year for me next year.
RARHHH!
