and I will
keep dancing in the rain
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Monday, January 30, 2012 @ 8:33 AM
doll houses
started a new hobby recently, very much inspired by my lovely friend G.
at first thought it was kind of a waste of money and time
but when i pop by popular yesterday and saw the doll house
it look super pretty and cute! therefore bought 1 to try it out... (since i'm trying to decorate my room)

spent the whole evening building the house.
and seriously, its therapeutic hahaa!
im so gonna buy paints and brushes, wallpapers to decorate the house and probably once done,
i'll snatch my brother's lego and let them stay inside the house (they are so less scarier than dolls!)

went to church yesterday, finally after sometime.
felt tired, reluctant to go, moody.
L texted me yesterday and asked me 2 questions,
How am I with God? Have I been talking to Him?

i actually just brushed it away with... "oh, i'm good."
and started crapping away. yep, avoided those qns.
cuz i know that God will understand y didn't i've been talking to Him
and God will understand that I'm still loving Him, and will always be.

but little did i not know that, i've been less dependent on Him
and doing things my own way, making myself happy in various ways.
so as i stand before the Lord in worship yesterday.
i couldn't help but broke down and cried.

i realized how tired i was, i realized how much have i neglected the one who loves me most
i realized how selfish i've become,  looking good on the outside, getting praises from people
but inside, i'm brokened and weak. So undeserving of God's love, yet He loves me so.

"God favors people who make the most of the power/strength that comes form brokeness! Strength is not developed until weakness is exposed. it is thru the recognition of our weaknesses that we avail God's strength! Our weakness qualifies us for God's strength! Feeling a little weak and broken? Good! God's strength is made perfect in our weakness! So be strong in the Lord and the power of His might!"
- Bishop Dale C. Bronner

I'm glad i went to church
and i need to go to church.

Saturday, January 21, 2012 @ 9:33 PM
a different CNY
this year CNY its going to be different for me.
and i wonder will it be this way for the rest of the years ahead.
wasn't looking forward to it at all. 
felt pretty upset, but its going to be alright.

it's been a quite some time that i've been missing those days and times together
and to overcome those emotions,  i've indulged in work and other stuffs to not think about it.
but whenever the season is around the corner
i can't help but to reminiscence  those fun and laughters that we all once had.

i have to admit, till today my heart's still broken
still disappointed, still upset and couldn't accept.

however this is not within my control

我是否能够再一次拥有那些年的回忆?
我是否还能拥有那些年的快乐?
还是真的已经在那时候 失去了所有?
现在开始 真的不一样了。。。

at least, my last CNY was a wonderful CNY i had ever. 

Friday, January 20, 2012 @ 12:19 AM
Shhh...
i need to learn to keep my mouth shut and be quiet.
stop talking, stop thinking
just listen... no, maybe don't even listen.


but that won't be me anymore!





oh well, whatever!


Shhh...




two more lines for my lyrics
"Underneath the moonlight, may i say this tonight
I'm not a girl that will love so often, I'm just a girl who will love forever."


mushy eww~
Thursday, January 19, 2012 @ 10:12 AM
i'm not that girl
"Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart" - Wicked





I'm not that girl who brings hope, i'm just a girl who cares
I'm not that girl who brings happiness, i'm just a girl with cheerfulness
I'm not that girl who makes you complete, i'm just a girl part of it.
I'm not that girl thats speaks out love, i'm just a girl who shows i'm loved. 






wah! after writing this i felt so WOW-ed by myself. i actually wrote this... 
when inspiration sets in... it's gonna be b-e-a-utiful~ 




okie i'm going to complete the lyrics... inspire me! 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012 @ 10:46 PM
Happy rest days!
WICKED IS AWESOME. went with gera

i really love their songs it speaks directly to the heart
if you have a best friend, you know you'll be happy
if you have a soul mate, you know you're changed for good
if you have a partner, you know you're loved as long as you're for each other

if you have none, you'll yearn for one and you'll find one
if you open up yourself.. just like how Elphaba opens up to Garlinda
and you'll see that you're being cared for!

A MUST WATCH FOR EVERYONE!
the costumes are pretty!! the set is wow!


Antoinette @ Penhas was a pretty nice place to chill
brought SueFern there today for our gift exchange!
tried the strawberry shortcake it's yummy!
their classic antoinette cake was delicious!
and i love their earl grey tea!! it's so different from other earl grey that i drank
it's lighter and more refreshing!
also ate their pancakes.. NICER THAN STRICTLY PANCAKES!
i'll go there again!!

the ambience was sweet, a very girly place (:

received a gift box from Suefern with many things inside
Khiel's lip gloss, Benefit make up kit, reeses buttercups,
logo golden raisin, oreo, ferrero roche, a friendship book (it's super cute!)
and a essence of chicken given by her mum.

the thing i like most inside is actually the "my friend" book!

i also gave her a lot of stuffs
and she loved most is the care bear key chain!

so happy with our gifts!

i'm like the happiest girl (too...) for the past two days!







@ 7:27 PM
“Dance with God, and He’ll let the perfect man cut in”


“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone; to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says, “No, not until you satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, and with having intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found; only then will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me. Exclusive of anyone else, exclusive of any other desires or longings, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. You just wait. That’s all. Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I’ve given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time), until both of you are satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have planned for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me; and this perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love; I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe and be satisfied.” 

-author unknown 
Tuesday, January 17, 2012 @ 12:40 AM
现实很残忍
因为喜欢,所以在意
因为在乎,所以生气
现实的残忍 使我灰心

very demoralized by work these days.
one thing comes after another
first was to witness how fellow colleagues turn their backs from each other
then to realized that the politics in the ward have been compromising patient care and safety
the staffs in my ward doesn't take their work seriously
my managers' management is really horrible.

my colleagues are getting frustrated
and some just give up already,
some just doesn't care anymore, as long as they do their job can already

i really really love my job
and i'm proud to be a nurse
nth happened to me at work,
i'm working well w my fellow colleagues
its just that know what's have been happening in the ward
it really saddens me a lot, some will say aiya don't care lah... it's their problem.
but because i love my job, that's y i care
because i care, therefore i'm pissed.
but to keep pulling myself altogether again and again
it's going to be crazily tiring.




Wednesday, January 11, 2012 @ 10:30 PM
jiayou! 加油.
friends have been telling me 加油.
but 似乎已经加完了.

i've been complaining tired.
and had always tell my friends that
because work is making me tired..
true but not totally.. work just make me tired physically

i really love my job.
i like being a nurse.
just demoralised at times..

but what really burdens me out
is not my job. its sth else.

sth that i really tired of. mentally and spiritually.

but thank God... sharon accompanied me to 散心. it's really nice of her.. just 傻傻的陪着我做想做的事...

accompanied her to repair her belt.. then started talking and this time we kind of open up to each other more
so we shared like what we will like to do when we're tired or feeling emo..

and today we just did those things.
想听海风so we went westcoast park.
想坐着巴士上听着音乐到终点站 so we took a long bus ride frm jurong east to mbs.. and from mbs we just had a nice breezy walk. to meet our friends.

it's really taking our hearts out for a lift
:)
@ 1:00 AM
好久没那么聊过了
it's been quite sometime since i chit chat with someone about anything under the sun for so long.
because usually when i meet my friends, it's usually like shopping, movies..
we won't talk like a lot of stuffs. otherwise usually it'll be some HTHT stuffs and not random stuffs.

met out for dinner with Q today, and we chatted a lot about anything.
like random stuffs, and it's been really a long time since i last had such a long chit chat with someone..
like 3-4 hours...

spent my morning tightening my braces, donate blood, go down to church to sign payment vouchers.
spent my afternoon with S, exploring haji lane, and some HTHT with her.
spent my evening with Q, dinner, ice-cream and chit chats.

thank goodness no calls from 6602 ++++

okay time to sleep!!
Sunday, January 08, 2012 @ 5:32 PM
太阳雨


今天 是 星期天, 原本因该是个轻松愉快的
但对我而言只不过是一个 和平时一样忙碌的一天 
可能因为工作吧,很 routine, 而且最近过真的消耗了很多体力。
所以 早上 上班时,感觉有点闷闷的 。也不算不开心 就 moody。 

但很感恩, 心里有收到 一些 感动 
1. 今天照顾 grumpy老太太,她居然有对我笑,还住握我的手,
    比手画脚 的对我说声谢谢。 

2. 收到朋友从台湾的礼物和名信片,卡片上的 感谢和祝福,安慰和鼓励,
小礼物的 用心, 都不仅让我心情好一些 

3. 最后,在MRT 里,目睹的 “伸出援手” 的 画面, 也多少 受了些小感动。 
   因为伸出援手的人 竟然是我们每次 不真么喜欢的 印度劳工。 



很多人 都说 最好不要淋到 太阳雨 ,很容易 感冒
但我真的 很喜欢 太阳雨
在细细的 雨滴 和 暖和的 阳光 下
真的 感受到不一样的温暖 。

就如今天, 也下雨了,
但在雨中看见了太阳
这雨天也 不在一样,

今天和平时忙碌的一天也没差,
但在忙碌中看见了 感动,
这一天也不在一样。


Saturday, January 07, 2012 @ 8:01 AM
frustrations and burnt outs
with the super high work loads each day at work
with super fast turn over rate, my colleagues are all getting frustrated and burnt,

even myself too, dark rings become more obvious
i can't go to work without my make ups on because patient's relatives keep saying i looked tired
and having a tired look how am i going to convince them that they loved one is being taken care well.
even with my make up on, some relatives still say i look tired at the start of my shift.

i'm sure i'm not the only one.
there's a lot of my staff looked super tired
some are getting frustrated
easily irritated, easily angered.

yup, the ICU indeed facing more burnt out.
with all the inservices, audit meetings, teaching models, audits to do after work, after having a war-like shift, not able to go home on time to rest, how can us not be frustrated?

myself too whenever i'm assigned to be over-all nurse I/C,
i'll also be frustrated. frustrated with the bed status, frustrated with having to solve so many problems that are of lowest priority on top of my own patient care.

this is also the reason why so many of the local staffs and trained staffs are planning to leave  this year after their bond. sighs.

classic example of system and management breakdown. FAIL



Tuesday, January 03, 2012 @ 11:50 PM
reality of pain. the hurt.
what is reality?
something that is real isn't it?
if i have to give an example to what is real...
i wouldn't say it's life. (where i guess most people will say so..)

i'll say... pain is real.

it causes hurt on the inside and the outside.
it excruciating, heart-wrecking, horrible much.
it often pushes the positive away and welcomes the negative
if untreated, it leads to something even deeper than itself.

but if we look at it in another way...

pain, a symptom... so is the hurt... that one have from any sources you can find out there.

"the symptoms and the illness are not the same thing. the illness exists long before the symptoms.
 Rather than being the illness, the symptoms are the beginning of its cures. The fact that they are unwanted makes them all the more a phenomenon of grace - a gift from God, a message from the unconscious, if you will, to initiate self-examination and repair"
- M. Scott Peck from The Road Less Travelled.

then question is, how should i repair it??? any probably many people will say
stay positive.. think positive.. then realized it doesn't work after some time.

C.S Lewis said, "imagine a set of people all living in the same building. Half of them think it is a hotel, the other half think it is a prison. Those who think it a hotel might regard it as quite intolerable, and those who thought it was a prison might decide that it was really surprisingly comfortable. So that what seems the ugly doctrine is one comforts and strengthens you in the end. The people who try to hold an optimistic view of this world would become pessimists: the people who hold a pretty stern view of it become optimistic."

true isn't it? if you've been through something worst in your life. nth else can be even worser (is there such a word? nvm)  well, the point is... so are our own thoughts.

but what scares me the most is not so much about the suffering.
it's the senselessness of it that is totally unendurable.
in short. totally numbed. like a leprosy person.

damaged done, ignored, and it will rot.
just like a ulcer on a diabetic foot, not taken care of, ignored and bye-bye leg.

so.. confront the pain/hurt. acknowledge it, find its meaning and honor it. before it's too late.
true enough but easier said than done.

that's reality of pain. the hurt. the suffering
and the search of its meaning and answers will always be a lonely search. No one but i can discern the meaning of my own suffering, own pain, own hurt. and yet by embracing grief and standing beside the hurting person can indeed help another's search for meaning, simply put... that's listening. and that's what the bystander can offer. like cheering for that person running the marathon.

but what if, one feels that it's totally meaningless?
well, then all one can do is to go on hoping. every disappointments must find a fresh reason for hope.

Hope is not like wishes, it resembles courage which involves a leap of faith. and faith is what we believer and do not see. so for hope that is seen is no hope at all.
"who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently"Romans 8:24-25
so hope allows one to believe that even when she falls down and the worst has happened, still she has not reached the end of the road, she can stand up and continue.


still, faith. hope.love, the greatest of these is love.
and God is love.

then if you're an atheist you'll be wondering if God is love, means He loves me so why does he make me suffer?

i often asked myself this qns and finally after years, i found the answer.

because God is love, He loves me so much, and as a stubborn person i am, who refused to look for him in times of crisis, trying to manage everything myself,  He thus have to push my limits to the end till i weep and cried out to Him. so that He can transform the pain, using it to teach me and strengthen me so that i can continue to live in this world.

that's how i find the true meaning of the pain i've got. and honor them.
that i can smile again, and look beyond overwhelming feelings and thoughts.










Sunday, January 01, 2012 @ 11:50 PM
keep calm and carry on
1735 year end party continued eventually.
and it was quite fun. i thank God for the time of fellowship.

up next very very soon will be CNY steamboat dinner.
and i haven't even form the 1735 comm, 
V resigned from her serving as a vice chair and i haven't got a replacement.
the whole comm now is super new, i really dunno who can be my vice chair

next 2 weekends, i'm going to be working, i'm kind of worried about the planning
for CNY steamboat dinner. so afraid it's going to be like the year end party.

alpha camp accounts not settled yet.
my inservice for work not done yet, still got 3 articles to read up.

everything is piling up!! =((

God, please give me the strength to carry on
give me the wisdom to lead and guide me as you know me best.

=((( 


His Word ♥



Gabrielle ♥
child of God
staff nurse

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