she can be more obvious manz. 

wrote my first song of the year.
waiting for K to give it a name to this set of lyrics.

earlier in e afternoon i had my fears.
i teared and prayed..
later in e evening i was comforted.

Kenneth: you're lucky that i'm not a devout Buddhist. I'm still searching.

wow!

my parents just gave me a pet talk.

what we've shared during cell last saturday

finally went cell today after soooo long. in fact it's the first cell gathering i went since the year started.
updated May, Enli and Gera after cell regarding Kenneth
and he asked me out for dinner with his family i was flustered!

in my heart was like.. manz. i wanna say yes but how?! it means something isn't it.
whats more i'm not his girlfriend or what. it'll be weird.
then again on the other hand i was like.. sighs.. we've been meeting and getting closer each time.
but i haven't really talk to him and asked him those prime qns that has been troubling me.
i didn't want to be nice and give him false hope. it's really horrible if that happened, the least i want to do was to hurt him.

so i struggled whether to meet him up or not. and in the end i decided to meet him and talk to him about it.
prayed along the way, really afraid of what i'm going to expect from him. what if he is not open. what if his parents are not open!??!?! ahhh~

while waiting for him, the qns just keep repeating in my head and my heart was pounding, how am i going to say it?? didn't V said.. nv ask before he confessed to you?! but i can't wait, not because i want to be with him ASAP or what. but i don't want to give him false hope, i don't want to hurt him.

then when i saw him. i just simply couldn't say it out. i'm very afraid that it's going to be a disappointment
and so afraid i couldn't go through it face to face. so i ended up just being myself again and just enjoy the moment with him.

we got closer each time we met and this time he told me his lil secret that he didn't tell anyone before. (probably some tactic to woo girls, but i chose to believe him) and although i'm very happy yet in me there's always this thing. "shit.... gabrielle chia, you haven't ask him yet. don't give him false hope!"
struggled all the way till we go separate ways. i was upset with myself.

on my way back i was struggling still. so i texted him and told him i need to talk to him cuz it's bothering me and i can't sleep! so we talked and trashed out all my concerns and his concerns and then we got stuck after that... so what are we now...??

i'm happy when he told me that he's open towards christianity, as in if i asked him if he wanna go to church with me, he would (manzzzz.. it's mandarin service yo!) he also told me that his mum was a christian and in fact his mother's side are all christians. my heart was rejoicing. i was like thank God.
i felt really peaceful then.

so we're all honest with each other after few hours of talking. then what's next?
HAHAHA!

duh! be together lah!
and yup, i'm attached.

it's kind of weird to have him proposing through the phone. i mean who does that?!?
well he did <3

i used to be envious about how closely knitted V and Y's family are.
they always go out and eat, parents always buy stuffs for them, joke with them etc.
but to me, it seems like my parents always scold me. and my parents doesn't seem loving kind.

today i was reminded that that even though my family dynamics are not those closely knitted kind
my parents will be very very supportive in whatever decisions my bro and i make.
met out with Y today and we talked a lot about relationships.

how her family became unsupportive and distrust her relationship with God and C.
and i became afraid that my family will be e same if K and I are together.
so i texted by brother first, telling him briefly that i like K but he is not a christian and i'm gg to tell my parents i need him to support me, and he replied "don't worry, bring him to church can already."
then i decided to tell my parents about K too. and thank God Y was with me all the way <3

i told them that i like K. but he is a non christian. and i want to seek their approval if they are alright with it before K and I talk about being together. surprisingly my mum said why not? in fact its even better because u'll bring someone to christ, save another person. it's better. and mum said bring him to church, bring him out for dinner, we'll treat him. and
next time bring him along during family gatherings so we can spend time together and we will see the love of God in us and keep praying i believe that God will speak to him. Girl, you need to keep praying. i really believe in prayers. Dad was smiling away but he said that he wanna see K first. hahaha!

my mum and dad also encouraged Y to stay strong and keep praying and to trust in the Lord for His good works. and i'm really glad that they supported Y a lot and supported me as well.

haha so much loved. it really gives me a lot of courage!
it feels so relieved to what i'm concerned about most.

gonna text my ah yi and tell her! hahahahah!

cuz of K, i opened up to my bro, now he opens up to me and really encourage me a lot
and he even shared with me why recently he posted so many bible verses on FB. to remind himself.

this is awesome!

had dinner with QY ytd.
and he was asking me about how's my r/s with K, so updated him.
and he reasoned things out for me, that i have to really consider a lot of factors
if i really want to be with K. because K is a non-christian
and religion plays a big part in the relationship

i agree, totally agree that Christ plays a big part in my life.
it's something that is really important to me.
factors like, is K open towards christianity? meaning if i invite him to church, will he go?
how is his family? are his family open towards christianity? will they make me do religious like holding a joss stick and stuffs? or will they respect my religion?

these are the factors that is going to affect a lot in the relationship.
and it got me thinking.

Met K after dinner with QY. felt really scared, because after QY threw hard facts on my face.
and knowing what happened to V lately. i was kind of afraid.
afraid about what?
afraid about knowing that what if K is not open towards christianity.
which means this relationship won't work out, unless i'm totally okay with my partner not receiving christ.

but i know i'm not. because if i really love my partner, i want him to be loved by God too.

chatted with V overnight, and i'm glad i did. she told me communication and trust is very important
and K and I have to really talk honestly about religion. not that he have to convert because of me.
but he have to be open towards God. and be willing to know God. whether to accept christ or not,
its not within my time. its in God's time. and as far as i'm concern, as long as this relationship
doesn't pull me away from God, God has His plans.

V also asked me, what if when it comes to marriage and God's time is not ripe yet.
again, as long as K's heart remains open towards God. i will trust that the Lord will touch his heart.
and most importantly for K to know God, is how my family and how myself going to show him the love of God among us.

"Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.
it always protects, always trust, always hope, always persevere."

=) i miss him can? omg!
keep praying~ keep praying~

went out with K today. and i'm glad we did
because it kinds of affirm my feelings towards K.

told K about R briefly... that used to crush on R for 8 years
told K about Q... that Q is a good friend of mine, treats him like a buddy.
and K told me about his last relationship that lasted 3.5years

i've been praying for the Lord to guide me thru
and i'm pretty amazed how He guide me.
although K keeps telling me that he'll tell me soon about why he did this and that.
and i'm pretty sure what he is going to say. but i'm glad he didn't mention it today.

was talking to Dayang yesterday and updated him about K.
and my worries about K not a christian.
because Q told me if K is not a christian, next time when we're committed it can be tricky.
in a fact i agree because there's no spiritual support. and recently heard about vow's tiff w her family.
regarding church wedding etc. it feels like a sign to me.

but i'm really glad Dayang once again remind me that whether if K is a christian or not. it doesn't matter.
as long as he is open. and i am ready to enter a BGR.
gera also reminded me that whatever it is, remove distractions and seek the Lord above all else.
i did pray about this whole relationship i have with K. that it will be pleasing to the Lord.

initially i doubted myself if i really like K or just infatuations of all the things he did.
and i didn't want to mislead him because K is really a nice guy. because to me, it doesn't make sense that i just let go of my feelings towards R last year and here few months later i'm liking another guy.
am i desperate because people around me, are already attached and i'm not?
am i having the thoughts of 'aiya just try out for fun?'
i like K is it because he has a few similarities with R?
i really questioned myself.

and i shared with dingyue during our stay in taiwan. and she gave me the ans.
if i'm desperate and wanted to try out. i'll would have been attached to JW.
and i thought thru. right... i won't want to risk a friendship nor will i want to hurt others at the end of the day.

ever since i totally let go of my feelings for R, i really left zero feelings towards him. like freed from something that burdens me for so long. but then again, i'm afraid to go into such situation again, of liking someone for so long and nth in return, gets all the emotional and mental stresses. whenever K did something sweet i keep reminding myself that it doesn't mean a thing.. and i have to keep guarding my heart. but i'm really amazed how the Lord lead me out of this fear and allowed me to move on.

because of K, i'm always reminded of the love of God. and to seek Him.

so... after today going out with K,
i realized indeed, i like him and i'm very sure K is not a substitute for R.

then, am i ready?
now i am.

<3

I sensed teamwork today
and i'm really touched.

i was stucked in the isolation room today from 4am to 7am
CRRT filter clotted, gotta reprime. and then the machine is giving me lots of problem.
prime test failed. some technical fault and that was the busiest hour where there's bloods to send
drugs to give, report to write.

then Vera came over very quickly
and helped me type my report, Kwoky came to take bloods and give drugs
as i'm frustrated with the CRRT machine. wasted 2 filters (that's $600bucks! dept money. so dead)

but we managed to complete everything on time.
and left the ward on time too! =)
probably i should buy mini corettos for my night shift peeps!

had an impromptu mac breakfast with K today,
and we're going out tmr for avengers. indeed time will tell our story.
and i really thank gera for reminding me to focus on the Lord.
sending me devotion materials, reminding me to pray.

i can't wait for night shift to end!
movie w K, jap food dinner with stubborn Q, and lunch with gera!

I find joy at work.

yea, 11 days away from work, family, friends.
i'm back!

back to where my life should be like.
work, family, friends... God.

stepped out of the arrival hall happily, saw my parents, really felt good to be home.
good to be living in Singapore. what else can i ask for more?
then heard a bad news from my mum during the car ride back home
that ahyi's CA is actually stage 4 (she doesn't know)
it mets to the blood. (I'm wondering izzit bone marrow or blood?)
Dr said she left 1 year.  only mum knows. ah yi and family doesn't know about it.

i didn't had much reaction at that point of time.
i know my aunt is strong and she will fight on to prolong her life.
until i told Q about this, then feelings gushed in.
it became too sudden, to know that my aunt left an estimation of 1 year.
1 year! it's like within a flash and she'll be suffering and then gone.
i know how cancer patients look like on the death bed
skinny, pale, in pain, very weak.

i can't bear to see my aunt to reach that stage within a year.
how about the girls? how about uncle?

stepped into my room, it's still in a horrible mess.
bought new stuffs to add more to the mess!
so tired to start unpacking and packing.

it's really good to be home.
but these 11 days away, i wasn't refreshed.
i'm just became more tired.

child of God
staff nurse

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