Friday, June 15, 2012 @ 7:13 PM
another long bus ride...
this time, i took a double decker!
took 174 to and back from orchard.
met up QY for lunch today,
didn't really chat a lot like usual, probably its because of his post call mood.
he asked me how's my relationship with K so far.
how is he? and i replied "he's good."
knowing that QY sure ask me what is good... thus i continued on,
"he trusts me. he is honest and open to me and i guess that's very important.
See, Kenneth is okay with me meeting you for lunch. "
QY: "are you sure, i won't be hit by ferrari?"
Me: "no lah! although he said i can meet you for 15mins only. but aiya he was just joking."
QY: "no... trust me, 20% is just joking, 80% is true."
actually i know that Kenneth wouldn't like me to meet up with QY 1-1 even though he said it's okay.
i wanted to be sensitive, but i'll also like to mean what i said to my friends, regardless of gender, i'm going to be there when they are down, i won't sabotage the friendship or distance myself away. cuz the relationships we built, meant something to me. they are important to me.
and i really thank God that Kenneth trusts me.
my bus journey towards orchard, was just plainly blank staring.
listening to music, thinking about what to eat, what to do later,
what to buy for yveline.
while the trip back was filled with thoughts.
was thinking about Kenneth's life.
picturing the lil bits and pieces that he shared
from young till before we met.
it was tough. really tough.
and it breaks my heart.
i'm really glad he is happy now.
like what nikos said. "Loke is damn happy lah!"
hahaha!
Sunday, June 10, 2012 @ 9:32 PM
so good to be home.
It's a blessing in disguised for me to be able to go to church today.
had a very bad gastric pain on friday, so planned to get an MC on sat to visit the Dr
as usually i self medicate. but this time i guess i should see the Dr for proper treatment.
then of course when i was waiting in the clinic, i was wondering should i ask for 2 days MC.
but i know that i can work. then it will be kind of "chao geng" my MC.
awesomely, i did not request and yet my Dr gave me two days MC. therefore i get to go to church today!
isn't this a blessing in disguised?
I managed to get Kenneth along to church with me today.
it was his first time to church and i know it was good.
I wasn't worried if he will feel out of place, not wanting to go anymore.
because i've been praying for the Lord's mercy and for the Holy Spirit to work in him
and truly enough He did. Kenneth told me his heart was pounding, and was hot, like burning.
hee~
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." - Ephesians 2:8
and yes, the Lord indeed is at work, is in control.
i was really happy to go back to church, really missed a lot of them.
the daoshis, my cell group mates especially.
because i wasn't around for too long, it felt like i've distanced away from some of the church mates
that i used to hang out with.
after church, had lunch with Dayang, Lena and Jarius.
Jarius is so cute! when Dayang and I was q-ing up for food at EAT. while K and L were catching up,
Jarius joined us, and he held my hand. so i asked him,
Me: Jarius, 你为什么牵我的手， 你喜欢我对吗？
Jarius nodded and said: 我喜欢你。
Me： 为什么喜欢我？
Jarius：因为你的牙齿很美是红色的 (my braces bands are red)
how cute lah! heartmelt leh!
ahh! can't wait for my leave so that i can go to church again!
Friday, June 08, 2012 @ 11:25 AM
with or without.
very soon, it's going to be a month of 'us' happening (kenneth and i)
it doesn't really seems fast, nor slow.
and i've been thinking about how my life have changed,
the relationship between myself and God,
between Kenneth, between family, between friends.
so hereby, sitting at JP's KFC to satisfy my twister meal craving
and spending some time with myself like usual.
nearing to a month with myself labelled "attached" or "in a relationship"
i'd say there isn't much drastic change to my life.
but sure of course there are changes, good and bad.
good will be there's someone i love, whom i'll really care for
and vice versa, he'll care and love me.
shared intimacy between us also gradually increased
sometimes i do think it's a little fast, sometimes i do think it's alright.
it's a line i have to draw personally, not just to protect myself
but to ensure those intimacy is and will be healthy for our relationship.
came acrossed this 'kite and string' analogy
which reminds me that is really important to maintain a healthy intimacy with each other.
kite = romance, string = wisdom.
the kite will always want to fly higher and higher, sometimes it may just not wanting to be tied by the string so it can fly high and freely, but the end point is, it'll crash.
the string is the one that helps the kite to pursue higher excitement in the sky slowly and steadily
sometimes it's being held back because it knows it's dangerous to fly higher, but the end point is, the kite is able to fly so much higher than without e string.
from this i also realized that i'm the one controlling's K's kite while he's controlling mine. and i have to admit that i'm not a good kite flyer, haven't been navigating it well.. yet.
the so called bad changes to my life will be.. okay i won't call it bad
probably just changed, just different than it was before.
the relationships between friends. i remember about another analogy of the inner circle
where you have a group of friends whom will always be in your inner circle
and they won't move that far away into the other loops of the circle which is probably outer circle.
even they do, it's probably because new individuals have moved into the inner circle
however when you meet up again, theses people will gradually move into the inner circle again.
basically in short, the closeness is still there..
but i realized something, regardless of whether I'm in a relationship or not,
with or without new form relationships,
by inner circle of friends have moved out gradually.
one by one... they left.
that made me wonder,
is it because of myself? i move them out?
or it takes two hands to clap, i may not have move out, but they left?
or i wasn't in their inner circle at all?
but whatever it is, i want to be that girl whom i used to be
the funny, cheerful, encouraging girl
with or without a boyfriend
with or without increasing workload from work
with or without new form relationships
with or without change in life stages.
Sunday, June 03, 2012 @ 12:42 PM
i missed home.
today is my church's 75th anniversary, and i didn't go for the service.
i could have, but i didn't.
instead, i went to victory family centre which is just opposite my house
it's been 2.5mths already since the last time i went to my own church.
longest record so far and probably still counting, it depends on my roster.
still, i thank God that i attended VFC's service today.
well i've totally missed out the sermon because i got the timing wrong.
VFC is a charismatic church. though the songs they sang are all familiar
but i felt very displaced there. couldn't concentrate, couldn't focus
they prayed in tongues, they prayed out loud, they had 2 alter calls where everyone will go forth.
felt a pretty uncomfortable.
there and then i realized how much i missed my church.
i missed the worship led by YYXZ, i missed the sermon that sounds familiar almost every week
i missed catching up with my church friends at the lobby, having lunches together.
i missed the bee hoon that was served after mandarin service and DG
i missed DG discussions, i missed saying hello to people around me in church.
it made me realized that i missed home terribly.
and i really want to go back to church
but my roster is really making it so difficult,
told my sister about it, tried to request but failed.
life will remind you...
do not take things for granted, but to realized how blessed and be contented
don't start to cherish them when you realized you're losing them.
but God teaches you.
Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
that is why, i need to go to church.
23
Saturday, June 02, 2012 @ 11:30 AM
and it makes my heart want to sing.
had breakfast with Kenneth after work today,
and he told me something that really touches my heart.
its the way how God showed His love for me all over again,
despite myself losing focus at times, didn't spend time with the Lord.
Kenneth told me that he's been thinking about christianity,
like there must be someone higher planned us together.
I didn't say much, just smiled tiredly but my heart was prancing with joy.
i did not actively spread the gospel to Kenneth,
and when Kenneth asked me when am i going to bring him to church
i know i couldn't. because of work, and because of myself.
i couldn't let go of the thought that i've been a disappointment to my church people.
even though daoshis said i'm not.
i haven't been doing my job as a ministry leader.
i really, honestly, have got no heart for our youth ministry already,
and i've been wondering why have i lost that passion to serve Him in the ministry.
it's kind of stressing for me actually to go back to church to face the people there.
because i'm disappointed with myself too.
but now i really want to go to church. to worship the Lord
and not to be bothered about how others will see me.
