gabby*licious

doll houses

2012-01-30T08:33:00.000+08:00

started a new hobby recently, very much inspired by my lovely friend G.
at first thought it was kind of a waste of money and time
but when i pop by popular yesterday and saw the doll house
it look super pretty and cute! therefore bought 1 to try it out... (since i'm trying to decorate my room)

spent the whole evening building the house.
and seriously, its therapeutic hahaa!
im so gonna buy paints and brushes, wallpapers to decorate the house and probably once done,
i'll snatch my brother's lego and let them stay inside the house (they are so less scarier than dolls!)

went to church yesterday, finally after sometime.
felt tired, reluctant to go, moody.
L texted me yesterday and asked me 2 questions,
How am I with God? Have I been talking to Him?

i actually just brushed it away with... "oh, i'm good."
and started crapping away. yep, avoided those qns.
cuz i know that God will understand y didn't i've been talking to Him
and God will understand that I'm still loving Him, and will always be.

but little did i not know that, i've been less dependent on Him
and doing things my own way, making myself happy in various ways.
so as i stand before the Lord in worship yesterday.
i couldn't help but broke down and cried.

i realized how tired i was, i realized how much have i neglected the one who loves me most
i realized how selfish i've become, looking good on the outside, getting praises from people
but inside, i'm brokened and weak. So undeserving of God's love, yet He loves me so.

"God favors people who make the most of the power/strength that comes form brokeness! Strength is not developed until weakness is exposed. it is thru the recognition of our weaknesses that we avail God's strength! Our weakness qualifies us for God's strength! Feeling a little weak and broken? Good! God's strength is made perfect in our weakness! So be strong in the Lord and the power of His might!"
- Bishop Dale C. Bronner

I'm glad i went to church
and i need to go to church.

a different CNY

2012-01-21T21:33:00.004+08:00

this year CNY its going to be different for me.

and i wonder will it be this way for the rest of the years ahead.

wasn't looking forward to it at all.

felt pretty upset, but its going to be alright.

it's been a quite some time that i've been missing those days and times together

and to overcome those emotions, i've indulged in work and other stuffs to not think about it.

but whenever the season is around the corner

i can't help but to reminiscence those fun and laughters that we all once had.

i have to admit, till today my heart's still broken

still disappointed, still upset and couldn't accept.

however this is not within my control

我是否能够再一次拥有那些年的回忆？
我是否还能拥有那些年的快乐？
还是真的已经在那时候失去了所有？
现在开始真的不一样了。。。

at least, my last CNY was a wonderful CNY i had ever.

Shhh...

2012-01-20T00:19:00.000+08:00

i need to learn to keep my mouth shut and be quiet.
stop talking, stop thinking
just listen... no, maybe don't even listen.

but that won't be me anymore!

oh well, whatever!

Shhh...

two more lines for my lyrics
"Underneath the moonlight, may i say this tonight
I'm not a girl that will love so often, I'm just a girl who will love forever."

mushy eww~

i'm not that girl

2012-01-19T10:12:00.000+08:00

"Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart" - Wicked

I'm not that girl who brings hope, i'm just a girl who cares
I'm not that girl who brings happiness, i'm just a girl with cheerfulness
I'm not that girl who makes you complete, i'm just a girl part of it.
I'm not that girl thats speaks out love, i'm just a girl who shows i'm loved.

wah! after writing this i felt so WOW-ed by myself. i actually wrote this...
when inspiration sets in... it's gonna be b-e-a-utiful~

okie i'm going to complete the lyrics... inspire me!

Happy rest days!

2012-01-18T22:46:00.001+08:00

WICKED IS AWESOME. went with gera

i really love their songs it speaks directly to the heart
if you have a best friend, you know you'll be happy
if you have a soul mate, you know you're changed for good
if you have a partner, you know you're loved as long as you're for each other

if you have none, you'll yearn for one and you'll find one
if you open up yourself.. just like how Elphaba opens up to Garlinda
and you'll see that you're being cared for!

A MUST WATCH FOR EVERYONE!
the costumes are pretty!! the set is wow!

Antoinette @ Penhas was a pretty nice place to chill
brought SueFern there today for our gift exchange!
tried the strawberry shortcake it's yummy!
their classic antoinette cake was delicious!
and i love their earl grey tea!! it's so different from other earl grey that i drank
it's lighter and more refreshing!
also ate their pancakes.. NICER THAN STRICTLY PANCAKES!
i'll go there again!!

the ambience was sweet, a very girly place (:

received a gift box from Suefern with many things inside
Khiel's lip gloss, Benefit make up kit, reeses buttercups,
logo golden raisin, oreo, ferrero roche, a friendship book (it's super cute!)
and a essence of chicken given by her mum.

the thing i like most inside is actually the "my friend" book!

i also gave her a lot of stuffs
and she loved most is the care bear key chain!

so happy with our gifts!

i'm like the happiest girl (too...) for the past two days!

“Dance with God, and He’ll let the perfect man cut in”

2012-01-18T19:27:00.001+08:00

“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone; to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says, “No, not until you satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, and with having intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found; only then will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me. Exclusive of anyone else, exclusive of any other desires or longings, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. You just wait. That’s all. Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I’ve given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time), until both of you are satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have planned for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me; and this perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love; I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe and be satisfied.”

-author unknown

现实很残忍

2012-01-17T00:40:00.001+08:00

因为喜欢，所以在意
因为在乎，所以生气
现实的残忍使我灰心

very demoralized by work these days.
one thing comes after another
first was to witness how fellow colleagues turn their backs from each other
then to realized that the politics in the ward have been compromising patient care and safety
the staffs in my ward doesn't take their work seriously
my managers' management is really horrible.

my colleagues are getting frustrated
and some just give up already,
some just doesn't care anymore, as long as they do their job can already

i really really love my job
and i'm proud to be a nurse
nth happened to me at work,
i'm working well w my fellow colleagues
its just that know what's have been happening in the ward
it really saddens me a lot, some will say aiya don't care lah... it's their problem.
but because i love my job, that's y i care
because i care, therefore i'm pissed.
but to keep pulling myself altogether again and again
it's going to be crazily tiring.

jiayou! 加油.

2012-01-11T22:30:00.001+08:00

friends have been telling me 加油.
but 似乎已经加完了.

i've been complaining tired.
and had always tell my friends that
because work is making me tired..
true but not totally.. work just make me tired physically

i really love my job.
i like being a nurse.
just demoralised at times..

but what really burdens me out
is not my job. its sth else.

sth that i really tired of. mentally and spiritually.

but thank God... sharon accompanied me to 散心. it's really nice of her.. just 傻傻的陪着我做想做的事...

accompanied her to repair her belt.. then started talking and this time we kind of open up to each other more
so we shared like what we will like to do when we're tired or feeling emo..

and today we just did those things.
想听海风so we went westcoast park.
想坐着巴士上听着音乐到终点站 so we took a long bus ride frm jurong east to mbs.. and from mbs we just had a nice breezy walk. to meet our friends.

it's really taking our hearts out for a lift
:)

好久没那么聊过了

2012-01-11T01:00:00.003+08:00

it's been quite sometime since i chit chat with someone about anything under the sun for so long.
because usually when i meet my friends, it's usually like shopping, movies..
we won't talk like a lot of stuffs. otherwise usually it'll be some HTHT stuffs and not random stuffs.

met out for dinner with Q today, and we chatted a lot about anything.
like random stuffs, and it's been really a long time since i last had such a long chit chat with someone..
like 3-4 hours...

spent my morning tightening my braces, donate blood, go down to church to sign payment vouchers.
spent my afternoon with S, exploring haji lane, and some HTHT with her.
spent my evening with Q, dinner, ice-cream and chit chats.

thank goodness no calls from 6602 ++++

okay time to sleep!!

太阳雨

2012-01-08T17:32:00.000+08:00

今天是星期天，原本因该是个轻松愉快的

但对我而言只不过是一个和平时一样忙碌的一天

可能因为工作吧，很 routine, 而且最近过真的消耗了很多体力。

所以早上上班时，感觉有点闷闷的。也不算不开心就 moody。

但很感恩，心里有收到一些感动

1. 今天照顾 grumpy老太太，她居然有对我笑，还住握我的手，

比手画脚的对我说声谢谢。

2. 收到朋友从台湾的礼物和名信片，卡片上的感谢和祝福，安慰和鼓励，

小礼物的用心，都不仅让我心情好一些

3. 最后，在MRT 里，目睹的 “伸出援手” 的画面，也多少受了些小感动。

因为伸出援手的人竟然是我们每次不真么喜欢的印度劳工。

很多人都说最好不要淋到太阳雨，很容易感冒
但我真的很喜欢太阳雨
在细细的雨滴和暖和的阳光下
真的感受到不一样的温暖。

就如今天，也下雨了，
但在雨中看见了太阳
这雨天也不在一样，

今天和平时忙碌的一天也没差，
但在忙碌中看见了感动，
这一天也不在一样。

frustrations and burnt outs

2012-01-07T08:01:00.000+08:00

with the super high work loads each day at work
with super fast turn over rate, my colleagues are all getting frustrated and burnt,

even myself too, dark rings become more obvious
i can't go to work without my make ups on because patient's relatives keep saying i looked tired
and having a tired look how am i going to convince them that they loved one is being taken care well.
even with my make up on, some relatives still say i look tired at the start of my shift.

i'm sure i'm not the only one.
there's a lot of my staff looked super tired
some are getting frustrated
easily irritated, easily angered.

yup, the ICU indeed facing more burnt out.
with all the inservices, audit meetings, teaching models, audits to do after work, after having a war-like shift, not able to go home on time to rest, how can us not be frustrated?

myself too whenever i'm assigned to be over-all nurse I/C,
i'll also be frustrated. frustrated with the bed status, frustrated with having to solve so many problems that are of lowest priority on top of my own patient care.

this is also the reason why so many of the local staffs and trained staffs are planning to leave this year after their bond. sighs.

classic example of system and management breakdown. FAIL

reality of pain. the hurt.

2012-01-03T23:50:00.000+08:00

what is reality?

something that is real isn't it?

if i have to give an example to what is real...

i wouldn't say it's life. (where i guess most people will say so..)

i'll say... pain is real.

it causes hurt on the inside and the outside.
it excruciating, heart-wrecking, horrible much.
it often pushes the positive away and welcomes the negative
if untreated, it leads to something even deeper than itself.

but if we look at it in another way...

pain, a symptom... so is the hurt... that one have from any sources you can find out there.

"the symptoms and the illness are not the same thing. the illness exists long before the symptoms.
Rather than being the illness, the symptoms are the beginning of its cures. The fact that they are unwanted makes them all the more a phenomenon of grace - a gift from God, a message from the unconscious, if you will, to initiate self-examination and repair"
- M. Scott Peck from The Road Less Travelled.

then question is, how should i repair it??? any probably many people will say
stay positive.. think positive.. then realized it doesn't work after some time.

C.S Lewis said, "imagine a set of people all living in the same building. Half of them think it is a hotel, the other half think it is a prison. Those who think it a hotel might regard it as quite intolerable, and those who thought it was a prison might decide that it was really surprisingly comfortable. So that what seems the ugly doctrine is one comforts and strengthens you in the end. The people who try to hold an optimistic view of this world would become pessimists: the people who hold a pretty stern view of it become optimistic."

true isn't it? if you've been through something worst in your life. nth else can be even worser (is there such a word? nvm) well, the point is... so are our own thoughts.

but what scares me the most is not so much about the suffering.
it's the senselessness of it that is totally unendurable.
in short. totally numbed. like a leprosy person.

damaged done, ignored, and it will rot.
just like a ulcer on a diabetic foot, not taken care of, ignored and bye-bye leg.

so.. confront the pain/hurt. acknowledge it, find its meaning and honor it. before it's too late.
true enough but easier said than done.

that's reality of pain. the hurt. the suffering
and the search of its meaning and answers will always be a lonely search. No one but i can discern the meaning of my own suffering, own pain, own hurt. and yet by embracing grief and standing beside the hurting person can indeed help another's search for meaning, simply put... that's listening. and that's what the bystander can offer. like cheering for that person running the marathon.

but what if, one feels that it's totally meaningless?
well, then all one can do is to go on hoping. every disappointments must find a fresh reason for hope.

Hope is not like wishes, it resembles courage which involves a leap of faith. and faith is what we believer and do not see. so for hope that is seen is no hope at all.
"who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently"Romans 8:24-25
so hope allows one to believe that even when she falls down and the worst has happened, still she has not reached the end of the road, she can stand up and continue.

still, faith. hope.love, the greatest of these is love.
and God is love.

then if you're an atheist you'll be wondering if God is love, means He loves me so why does he make me suffer?

i often asked myself this qns and finally after years, i found the answer.

because God is love, He loves me so much, and as a stubborn person i am, who refused to look for him in times of crisis, trying to manage everything myself, He thus have to push my limits to the end till i weep and cried out to Him. so that He can transform the pain, using it to teach me and strengthen me so that i can continue to live in this world.

that's how i find the true meaning of the pain i've got. and honor them.
that i can smile again, and look beyond overwhelming feelings and thoughts.

keep calm and carry on

2012-01-01T23:50:00.002+08:00

1735 year end party continued eventually.

and it was quite fun. i thank God for the time of fellowship.

up next very very soon will be CNY steamboat dinner.

and i haven't even form the 1735 comm,

V resigned from her serving as a vice chair and i haven't got a replacement.

the whole comm now is super new, i really dunno who can be my vice chair

next 2 weekends, i'm going to be working, i'm kind of worried about the planning

for CNY steamboat dinner. so afraid it's going to be like the year end party.

alpha camp accounts not settled yet.

my inservice for work not done yet, still got 3 articles to read up.

everything is piling up!! =((

God, please give me the strength to carry on

give me the wisdom to lead and guide me as you know me best.

=(((

retail therapy

2011-12-30T22:24:00.001+08:00

yup, for the past few days, i've been crazily shopping.
buying clothes, shoes, accessories

and how to i mark the end of my 2011?

i pierced 2 extra ear holes today.
and countdown with my childhood friends.

happy new year.

hold it! breathe in and out~

2011-12-30T22:20:00.000+08:00

really pissed and sad today at work.
felt really disrespected when K raised her voice at me in front of the Drs and junior nurses.
really angry with her.
what's worst is i need to bear that anger inside,
and pretend that everything was alright

I've been pretty hypocritical at work.
i can't see who are the people i can deem as friends.
it feels like everyone is on their toes, watching their own back.
i don't really mix around with my colleagues often about our own life.
it's usually just work. and it feels like forcing myself to smile at them,
being friendly each day at work, is even more tiring that taking care of the patient.

i missed my ward 10 colleagues so much, at least we're like friends
we hang out, we are not that exclusive, we're friends.
the workplace is so much more fun.

sighs i can't wait to leave the hospital
and go somewhere else.

2 years bond, starting soon. 010112

it's christmas time. to give and forgive.

2011-12-26T12:40:00.000+08:00

Q said, " this day(christmas) probably be an important day to you."

then, i asked myself back.. is christmas important to me?

ohwells, it's not really important to me, but it's a chance for me to

give thanks to my family and friends who loves me, care and concern about me

and also to reconcile with friends that i've once hurt before.

reconciled with TY during alpha camp as he was hurt by my honest remarks.

and now we're really good.

also, i'm trying to reconcile with J, but its feels... like不知所错

it feels like i'm at fault. but i've apologized... so what's next?

then, i wonder if it is worth to reconcile the relationship?

or because i should reconcile the relationship because we're all children of God?

in J's case, if i were to measure worth, i'd say probably not.

but as christians, both of us, isn't reconciliation ought to be done?

this is grace.

2011-12-19T00:27:00.003+08:00

Alpha camp finally ended yesterday!!!
i'll say that it is really amazing.
many last min changes and hiccups but i believe it's all God's will, everything is controlled by Him.
and i really give thanks for that.

remember during day two,
i really felt super tired after the whole day at bukit batok nature reserve.
and i have this urge to remove the night games that day.
cuz the campers looked tired, and i also felt that we should do more spiritual stuffs
like sharing about how we felt after being betrayed during the games etc.

so with the daoshis, we discussed about whether should we remove the night games. because i wanted the campers to go and shower and freshen up for the talk.
from the discussions, i can see that most of them doesn't want to remove it,
they want to continue the game, don't have to force the campers to shower for the talk.

i personally felt, at that point of time,
it feels like that daoshis may think that it will make the campers feel that the camp becomes boring,
if we all just do sharings, listen to the talk and these will spoil the campy mood.
i also felt that the talk seems to be least important than the games. and i was pretty frustrated.
but i thank God that they gave me the authority to decide whether to cancel it or not.

so i went into another room, feeling very frustrated.
why do i have this feeling that they belittle the talk session. this year, i wanted the camp to be more spiritual and not only just having fun with games and just buzz the objectives,
i want the campers to acknowledge their emotions they have during the gameplay as well as hopefully to relate it back to their own lives. and i remembered how may and i fought for a spiritual ministry time for this year's alpha camp. i teared as i told May about how frustrated i were when it feels that the spiritual aspect of the camp is missing.

we literally cried out and prayed that the Lord will make full use of the time during the talk and sharings when we decided to remove the night games. and we spoken to Rev Lek, hoping that he can suggest sharing pointers for us. that point of time when i decided to go ahead by removing the games,
i received a text msg saying that the campers are pretty hype up with the food auction games.
and it feels like a voice telling me "hey you don't have to remove the night games!".
but i decided to remove the games still.

when i spoke to the daoshis, they kind of expected it. and 1 of them told me..
"then you'll be having tension with the prog comm". i replied " i can handle this."
i went to look for the prog comm, they were very cool about it.
in fact they are thankful too as they are all tired already. i thank God again.

then during the short break time before the talk, i spoke to a few campers
asking them how they felt when they know that the night games is off.
they were pretty sad about it. and my heart softens, i was wondering should we continue the night games after the talk. then again, i told myself, NO. i cancelled the game already and i want this time for the Lord to work.

then that night, i saw how the Lord uses His perfect time to do this perfect work.
i teared again. looking at the campers' response, i know the Lord is at work touching each individual's life.
my heart is just filled with praise.

it was a God centric decision. (thanks to Jian en for the small talk before the camp)
be it so many people telling me "hey don't remove the night games" , i choose to believe and trust that the Lord will use the night games time to work His ways, and He did.

1 person received christ that night.

then that same night again, we're all talking about pei tan yuans, what's the protocol, what's the best way to plan it. then, i was frustrated again. i felt that why do we choose who should pray for whom.
if one is spirit led and want to pray for the person who responded, why can't they just go and pray for this person? prayers are unlimited right?

i told the comm that i believe that with the amount of pei tan yuans we have assigned, we will be short handed still, because i believe that the Lord will work in our campers and whoever steps out, whoever is crying at the seats they need to be ministered. even those who are not responding, they also have to be ministered by having people to keep praying at the back for their hearts to response, for the Lord to work.
it's not only for the people who responded! i was really frustrated again.

and we came out with a plan still.

the next day, alpha night response was overwhelming. we couldn't handle at all. too many people have to be prayed for and we're short handed. but i was glad. because the Lord worked again.. and the human thing in me was a lil proud... i'm like "hehe see i'm right! why do we need to plan who to pray for who?"

i felt that the Lord really hears by prayer from the start of the camp
when i prayed "Lord, be with me. be with me"

and He did.

another thing that the Lord touches my heart was the prayer walk.
after taking turns with May to brief the campers about the prayer walk group by group, i didn't go and rest, instead i felt that i wanted to be in the prayer walk looking at the campers walking thru.

my heart cries out to the Lord again.
this person at this station is broken. that person at that station is hurt.
i can feel those hurt deep down in my heart, i can see the Lord is working in them.
the scene was disheartening yet comforting.
then i walked into the sanctuary, saw many of them writing letters
i was touched by the Lord once again
these broken relationships are all submitted to the Lord, these people are re-committing themselves to the Lord, these people are willing to acknowledge all the hurts they have.

it was legendary, it was awesome.
to be able to see that amazing grace the Father have for us
to see how much Love the Father fill us with
to see the works of the Holy Spirit guiding each and every individual to know the Savior,
to know the Father.

indeed, God is God, He is Lord, this Love endures forever.

AMEN! CONNECTED 2011 成功！！

this relationship

2011-12-13T02:34:00.003+08:00

chatted with Q regarding life and relationships, shared to him what's christianity is like to me personally.

and i told him that it's a relationship with God, that needs to be build and cultivate just like all the relationships we have in life.

alpha camp is approaching like in a day time.

and this year we're going to talk about these relationships we have.

i actually took a very huge step in the camp

by sharing e one sided relationship i have with R.

it's kind of scary, cuz its really showing the other side of myself

but i really want to honor God in this relationship

because He really pulled me thru, even at times i was angry about the signs that happened when i prayed for them, holding me back and making me confused, unable to really let go

it's been years and finally.

now as i type and think about of the relationships that i have, i really felt blessed

a new friendship i have with Q, he's actually one medical officer i've worked with in the ICU, and we remained friends.

a mentor-student relationship i have with T, an APN who is training me up and teaches me a lot in the ICU

a broken friendship with J that taught me that it always takes two hands to clap for a relationship to work

a crazy kinship with my 6 beloved crazy cuzzies which are the culprits for the short batt life in my iPhone

a reunited friendships with my poly cliques after 4 of them back from Aust since last year.

a long distance east never-meets west friendship with S which maintains well

a multi titles friendship with W, besties, colleagues, partners just proved that we're really cool

a childhood friendship i have with E, knowing she'll be reading this, it's really good that we met out past two days and have a chat.

etc etc etc

surely there's ups and downs in these relationships, even relationships with God

it's just because we all have flaws.. it takes 2 perfect being to create a perfect relationship

and humans can never be perfect. but does that mean that we can't have a perfect relationship at all??

同情心在哪？

2011-12-10T13:20:00.001+08:00

too many deaths are happening in e icu lately, its almost like 2-3 in a day...
such that recently i realised that i've actually lost my empathetic side.
when a death occurs in e ward, we'll just joke abt e nurse or dr on that shift being so jinx.

ran for my first code blue ytd.. was just helpin out as e icu is quite free..
usually when i hold e code blue phone, there isnt any code blue..
code blue is where a pt's at somewhere out of icu heart stopped and collapsed.

yup, to me, i just thought e whole thing was fun.

and deep down in me, a pt who has alot of comorbid conditions should die instead of trying all our best to save him/her as there is no longer quality of life.

因为看到最糟的，好多小事好像变成了...
无所谓。

同情心在哪？

2011-12-09T22:21:00.001+08:00

month of december

2011-12-06T23:10:00.001+08:00

i'm kind of going crazy with all the countless things that i have to do.

alpha camp stuffs like grouping lists, money matters, prep for my testimony etc

1735 stuffs like year end party

work wise i need to come out with the whole year 2012 in-service topics by 10th!

4 days!!

talking about work,

it's amazing that i'm approaching 4th year next year 6th apr.

wow. time flies.very very fast.

my roles and responsibilities also increased...

will be auditor for fall and patient/family education

will be doing bedside clinical sharing

in service topics coordinator and also to do.

all these to be done on top of my own work.

i guess it's going to be quite a challenging year for me next year.

RARHHH!

indeed there's a difference.

2011-11-27T23:45:00.001+08:00

long ago, i asked v. "how come non-christian BF?"
"there's no difference."
today i asked v again "how's dating a non-christian?"
"he's open, he's willing to come to church, he'll ask questions."
in my heart, i'm glad. i hope he'll become a christian one day.

on my way home, Q texted me. sharing about his recent broke-up
Q is a humble atheist. they were together for 3 mths,
they broke up because the girl can't forget about her ex.
then Q also shared openly w me that he ended with his 2nd r/s because
he felt that he didn't really love her much.

as i travelled in the bus with my cousins,
i saw a very loving couple, whom i know.
they're my teachers in church, they're topic R's parents.
then i was thinking about how sweet and how loving my other teachers in church are.

indeed, there's a huge difference between
a God centered relationship vs a relationship
and i really thank God for letting me seeing it, and hearing it.

because in a God centered relationship,
they are fully loved by God. so they love each other fully.
"we love because He first loved us."

however in a normal relationship
there's always alot of discontentment such that the love can't be full
and what holds onto the relationship are responsibilites such as children,
self-centered reasons such as do not want to be alone when aged.

i ever thought to myself, if one day, a non-christian is to like me,
should i think about giving him a chance? or should i be stubborn
and pursue a God centered relationship?

but i'll wait. believing that till one day. this God centered relationship will happen.

R, u're amazingly always around. even the stupid crow sound that u always do.
it's crowing every single day around my hse, reminding me of u.
OH WELL. i've let go. BOO!

just do it.

2011-11-25T18:01:00.001+08:00

am i using it as an excuse?
to hide away, to run away from the actual problem.

as i converse, i tried to maintain a strong front with a smile, holding onto my tears real hard.
"... you need ... own spiritual health. remember, you're not alone."
i couldn't really make up the full sentence he tried to say, i teared immediately after.
however still holding onto my tears with a smile very much, it just flow like spoilt water tap.
i saw tears welled up in his eyes too. i guess he knows that i'm not convinced.
i guess he knows i've been trying my best to hang on.

for the past few weeks, i've been very tight with work and alpha camp
i'd just simply chuck my emotions away and drown into the busy mood.
today, my heart just can't stop pounding. i want to leave this place very much

hcruhc.

why like that??!

2011-11-20T18:08:00.001+08:00

好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累好累！！！

really really tired.. physically, mentally.
work these days are horrible horrible horrible!!

it's either patient passed away during the most busiest time
or when i finally settle down, able to go for a quick lunch, there's an admission!!
the turnover rate is so scary!!
like massive imports and exports =((

no strength le...

fully loved?

2011-11-16T09:48:00.003+08:00

someone told me "he said, i must learn how to love fully."

then i said...

"i always believe that a person can never love someone fully, because one will always set an expectation of another person, once that person can't achieve what you expect of him/her, you can't fully love him/her. You need to be fully loved first, then you'll know how to strive to love someone fully, reason being cuz you've tasted the full love. "

then again, where's that full love? =)

my dearest friend,

i know that you know where i'm coming from.

i just need to keep you in my prayers that God will soften your heart

and let you taste this full love. then you will realise how to love fully...

you said love is simple yet complex.

i said love is just too simple, people are complicated, refused to believe that love is really that simple.

if one day, you really want to be fully loved, and yet none can give you that kind of love you want,

try, really try.. talk to God.. again, ask Him to show you how much He actually loves you.

then end it with a "in Jesus name I prayed, Amen."

failed.

2011-11-08T14:05:00.002+08:00

look how failed my macaroons are. and how they have to become cookies.

期待

2011-11-05T21:03:00.003+08:00

有时心里-只在期待着一件事
也不断的祷告
也会看看问题是否在于自己。
也会一直问自己到底在期待什么？

然后就对自己说，
“期待期待变成失望，有就有，没有就没有。”

似乎好像放弃了期待。

stumbled upon a photograph,
it was a picture that i used to like a lot.
there's 9 of us inside.
looking at them individually, thinking about how are they doing.
blissful, i guessed.

really missed those O'l good days when we're so close.
but today, we seemed to be far apart from one another.

oh well, there's many things in life as we grew up,
we need to let go. we meet new people along the way,
we stay busy to maintain what's important for us to survive in current.

though past memories are sweet, and reminiscence will just made us want those days again, and you know you can't have, you need to move on, just like how others do.

this symptom of pain, i believe it's a gift from God, to know that there's still something that's still holding us back, can't let go off, and we need to find a cure to it. to treat it.

looking after.

2011-11-05T01:34:00.006+08:00

"因为
感觉会害怕，当我闭上双眼
感受到孤独，当你不在我身边
这次的考验，我必须去面对
但请你守护我，一起努力奔向雨天的彩虹"

above is what i see from my patients.
it's abit of lyrics that i wrote
we're supposed to look after our patients, protect them,
help them onto the road to recovery, but many times...
sighs.

其实我到底怎么了?

2011-10-30T23:33:00.002+08:00

心里真的不想, 很不想去面对.
但被强迫去面对它, 去尝试着面对自己必须面对的考验

但是, 失败了.

在那里, 感觉很陌生. 很客气.
再也不像家.
对于大家, 我只能试着微笑
心里却从满了尴尬, 愧疚, 无奈
觉得已经不属于那里.

这不是第一次.
就因为这不是头-次,
所以这次的考验...真是难倒我了!

莫人曾经问我, "怎么了?"
我告诉他说, "累了. 也不想说, 你也不要和任何人说."
我知道他..感觉得到..我怎么了.

很久以前, 我告诉自己
"要面对!逃避不是办法!"
这次也一样, 我面对了，也失败了。
因为在那里，我想得到的，一直努力想要的
好像完全根本就得不到，拿不到，不见了。

空了。

另一位莫人，好像也看出..我怎么了.
他说，"你怎么样？有什么困难，要来找我们."
我就对他说, "没事,没有,很好,还可以."

事实上, 我在那里感觉已经喘不过气了.
好想离开,尽快离开.
根本就没有办法通过自己的这一关, 我真的无法说出口.

这次是真的. 累了. 想离开了...

*哦,别担心,这不是一封遗书.HAHA! 我很珍惜我的生命.
只不过, 有个地方, 可能是时候, 该... 离开了.

the walk to give my heart a lift.

2011-10-29T21:36:00.004+08:00

i like to go out for a walk.
be it shopping centres, along the pavement,
in my house estate, park connector routes
i do really enjoy the time spent there.

i'll go for a walk at shopping centres
when i want to avoid thinking about everything im facing in life.
because there, i get easily distracted by material stuffs
and probably spend abit here and there.

i'll go for a walk along the pavements if i'm on my way home
i'll alight at earlier bus stops or walk to the next bustop that's nearest to the actual bus stop.
when i want to think about the issues in my life,
what's the latest craze that's bothering me, asking myself a lot of qns.

i'll go for a walk in my house estate, park connectors
when i'm doing my brisk walking for health and fitness sake.
warm ups and cool downs walks really made me feel much active,
much alive because the heart is pumping really hard with all the sweat.
it's for a total FEEL SHIOK, FEEL GOOD after sweat thing.

as much as i enjoy the walks.
i guess it also reflects another part of me which is.. i cannot be still.
At work i walk a lot. basically i dont really sit for the whole shift hours.
after work, sometimes i'll just walk around the shopping malls that's so near e hosp
or my home, else i'll go for a jog .

one thing about the walks, it's aimless.
i just take the route where ever i like.
if i like this turn, i'll take it.
if i want a shorter route, i'll take that.
same as what's going on in me.
probably aimless, but definitely self-centred
and easily distracted.

2mcs + 3 days off = a very good rest

2011-10-24T11:48:00.002+08:00

my throat infection is a blessing in disguise
and i thank God for that, although its painful and sore
at least i have time to complete all my own stuffs.

fatigue

2011-10-20T00:23:00.002+08:00

i'm just feeling very tired, needed a rest,
but i'm having insomia.

very stressed up recently,
got 2 days MC because i really don't feel like going to work
too tired and sick of work.
pissed with some colleagues, pissed with my sister who did such a horrible roster,
pissed with my day off requests are not granted, my request for shifts are all not granted, which made alot of things difficult for me.

time is ticking,
and there's so much to do.

at work, i'm always feeling exhausted, we're all so strectched.
during my 1 day off, all i want to do is to rest.
but i can't because at the back of my head,
i have my servings for the ministry to do.

alpha camp, 1735 ministry plannings, servings in YYXZ

and i really felt horrible that i didn't do well as a chairperson
cuz i can't even chair the meetings, attend meetings or
publicise the camp.
1735 as well, i cant attend hua gong meetings, i can't attend the activities.
i'm missing out on my cell group meetings. and i'm the cell group leader.

sometimes i wonder, when i decided to take up these roles,
did God really ask me to? or i just want to take it up?

well, God wants me to take it up.
then again.. why are things not going on smoothly?
in fact they are in a great mess??

f. pissed.

2011-10-14T13:55:00.003+08:00

freaking pissed off by my mom since morning.
she just nv stop irritating me.

URGH!

now u know why i neither like to stay at home
nor to eat the dinner that she cooked.

URGHH!!

if one asked me who you hate or dislike,
for sure its her!!

URGHHHHHH!!!

Ephesians 3

2011-10-12T22:47:00.002+08:00

For this reason, I, Paul, the prisoner of Christ Jesus for the sake of you Gentiles -
Surely, you have heard about the administration of God's grace that was given to me for you, that is, the mystery made known to me by revelation, as I have already written briefly. In reading this, then, you will be able to understand my insight into the mystery of Christ, which was not made known to men in other generations as it has now revealed by the Spirit to God's holy apostles and prophets. This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles and heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus.

I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power. Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedon and confidence. I ask you, therefore not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.

Spent the whole day thinking about what to do for prayer walk...
and what i got in my heart my mind the whole day
is how to plan a praise session... at the end of the prayer walk.
my whole heart was in praise. i was listening and watching the hillsongs live worships, my heart just sang along with it.

through the songs, God gave me this passage. Ephesians 3
i typed out the whole passage above and i'm very amazed by his work once again.

Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things

唉

2011-10-09T00:23:00.003+08:00

有时感到寂寞，会害怕孤单
有时感到累了，会害怕疲倦
有时感到无力，会害怕无阻
有时感到被忘，会害怕被遗忘
有时感到受伤，会害怕被伤害

感觉捆绑着理智
害怕胜过着盼望
忧虑蒙盖着眼光
世界不停在呼喊

但是有了你，一切都会不一样。

my day at work

2011-10-08T00:09:00.003+08:00

today i nursed 2 patients, both of them are indians.

patient 1
He self extubated himself few days back and he's known to be very restless
so it was a strict must be well tied tight restraint.
but as i assessed him, looking at him, i untied him whenever i'm inside
because told him that i'll trust him that he won't pull out his ETT.
and i really trusted him.
when i did suctioning for him, he wanted to do it himself, and i just gave him the cathether.
what Kylie(physiotherapist) said was true indeed. trust him, just let him do something, like sitting out of the bed, remove the restrainers, i'm sure he won't pull out the ETT.
Freedom is something all intubated patients wants.

patient 2
He have a bad heart. very very bad.
he can't strain while passing motion because it can be very fatal.
so what he does at home was to spray alot of water into his anus to soften the stools
also, to use his own fingers to dig it out.
then i told him, he can't do that as it may cause infection if he were to traumatize the rectum by digging too much, in fact he should look into his diet to address this issue.
so he mentioned yes he did, he didn't dare to eat a full diet like rice, etc he only eats porridge and drink plenty of water so that the stool will turn soft.
but he can't do that too, because of his heart, he must be fluid restricted
otherwise he will get cardiogenic APO (acute pulmonary Oedema)
then later in the evening, the cardiothoracic surgeon can to review him for by-pass.
but realised that he can't do as it will not be beneficial and he's too risky to do, he may just die on the table. therefore suggest medical treatment. He knows now that he's carrying a time bomb around. and started crying with his family. it's really a sad thing to see.

He missed his very first chance of CABG, and now its simply just too late.

sick , sicker, sickest

2011-10-04T01:34:00.002+08:00

so tired from work.
patients are getting more and more terribly ill
everyday at work is just adrenaline rush
so busy that we didnt eat, didnt drink and didn't pee.

past few days have been nursing very sick patients.
a drug addict who have rhamdomylosis and requires dialysis.
a man who was given 10 shocks and got admitted, coded again and resuscitated for about 1 hr.
a lady today who have seizures right after my break when i went to check on her,
constantly bleeding and did fluid resuscitation as well as blood transfusions.
more and more very sick patients, more and more death, very high turnover rate.

i'm really tired... =(

God knows.

2011-10-02T23:27:00.005+08:00

today i literally DRAGGED myself to church.
since ytd i didnt want to go to church
because i'm really tired.

physically tired because of the lack of rest. my bad. i slept late last night
because i was researching about medical insurance for my whole family.

mentally tired because i'm quite burdened by all my servings
>1735 retreat cum planning day, i have not thought of what to do
and i'm working morning shift that day, my day off wasn't granted.

>alpha camp: i have yet approached all the daoshis, i have not meet the speaker yet.
i have no idea who should i put as incharge for prayer walk, or what to do for prayer walk.

> YYXZ: most of the time i'm rostered as backup singer, but i can't go for pracs because of work. which always become an issue for myself and the person who did e roster.

i'm basically just setting quite a bad example myself as a leader because i cannot attend meetings due to work, i can't attend morning prayer sessions due to work and i haven't been consistantly reading the fasting materials even though i fasted, i did not pray. i'm not actively helping out or following up with 1735 events and activites.

so.. i dragged myself to church, attended DG session, honestly i didnt read the book
i stopped at chapter 2, the lesson is about faith, diff definition of faith.
then went for lishi service for the worship session only because i need to go to work.
all i felt was guilt. probably that's the character of my faith.
as i sing, "Shepherd of my soul, i GIVE YOU FULL CONTROL... 在你荣耀中所有的一切不再重要转眼已成空我也无所求。。。“
i felt very shameful as i sing and realized that there's alot of things in my life i just can't let go. i want to control it.

i'm was really really burden with the qns. HOW??!
i have not do this i have not do that. HOW??!
i'm supposed to plan a sharing part for the kelong trip
but 2 day off request only 1 day is given the other is not granted, i can't go for the trip anymore.
8th oct is 1735 planning cum retreat day, i have not planned what to do yet!
i have not discuss with vivian about that day! HOW!!???

thank God for the kelong trip, Yong cai is taking over my part
and really really amazingly because of the JCI audit, we're all granted 1 more extra day off! and sister JJ said i can claim it on 8th oct, so i can do the retreat and planning for 1735!

i stunned, and it's really amazing
it's like God trying to tell me "hey gabrielle, i know you didnt make any effort in trying to make things work, you planned to do last min work and throw the work to some else, you didn't even pray and you said it's impossible, but I'm POSSIBLE."

i was really thankful because really, i don't want to throw the work for someone else to bear, but to settle it all myself hopefully, and God made it possible."
indeed 上帝的工作是不会倒的

however i felt even more guilty of His love for me.
and more burden.
so i decided to step down my serving from YYXZ and as a cell leader
as for 1735, i continue to hold on first before my meeting because i got no idea who can i look for to take up my role and i didn't have time to look for someone.

like suefern said, maybe it's time for me to be discipled rather than to lead.

suicidal precaution

2011-09-28T23:47:00.002+08:00

she had a suicide attempt
burnt charcoal and locked herself in a room.
did some toxicology and found out that she also ate some medications
but ?if she overdose it or not.

she earns 4k+ a month as a PA
she's undergoing separation with the husband for 6 mths
and query her being retrenched.
her sister said that she keeps everything to herself and always put up a strong front.

this whole thing feels very dramatic, like a scene from a typical drama episode.
indeed xi ru ren sheng.

her family is very heartbroken.
i didn't know what to say, i don't know how to comfort.
all i did was to tell them.
"she can hear you. she did response to me, she's still here, you can talk to her, but just be a little louder when u speak because she's very drowsy due the the high dose of sedatives that i'm giving her."

for now, the patient is considered lucky to get her life back.
but we do not know how much damaged have be done because of the carbon monoxide poisoning. is her brain affected? are her kidneys affected? what about the liver?

if she's going to be well and given a 2nd chance to live,
i really hope that she will live well.

because u can escape from everything when u die,
but it's giving a lot of distress to your loved ones.
they will blame themselves for not taking care of you well
and this hurt will be with them for life.
it's a really selfish thing to do...
really.

c for challenging

2011-09-27T01:40:00.004+08:00

recently my work becomes pretty challenging.
patients who got themselves admitted to the medical icu
are very sick and they deteriorate v fast.
prognosis is very very poor

i nursed this patient yesterday(Sunday)
acute liver failure secondary to ischemic hepatitis
basically, there's a small calculi obstruction the hepatic vessels
which causes the liver to become ischemic and develop acute liver failure
on top of it, she also developed septicemia.
shortly she have multi organ failure.

full aggressive treatment was given to her.
on CRRT dialysis, massive blood transfusion, massive platelets transfusion
2hourly glucose monitoring, on high dose inotropic support
(yea it's very very tedious to nurse her)
yet the patient's son complained that we're not aggressive enough.

she was bleeding everywhere, in the bladder, the rectum, the mouth, the nose, the catheter sites. and she's having malena stools, in diarrhea form.
how smelly can malena stools be?? its like sour and stink to the max. you can never forget how it smell like. and we have to clean her up and clear all the bedsheets at least 1-2times per shift. yet the patient's son complained that we keep chit chatting not putting in 100% effort in taking care of his mom.

Drs told the family that the chance of recovery is <1% very very slim, in fact i believe that she's already gone, already dead. and is fully dependent on the machines. we're just giving her futile medical support.
yet the family still holding on, looking at her asking her to wake up.

today, i nursed another patient, he have end stage renal failure, i believed that he drank alot of water even though he know he is fluid restricted. and that causes him to become fluid overload and developed a heart attack as well as a acute pulmonary edema (water in the lungs)
on dialysis also, and is very very sick, as according to e cardiologist.
but he have higher chance of recovery.

everyday in MICU, we see all these life and death issue. usually end of life issues.
how our patients suffered before passing away, how the family holding on to that <1% miracle and being fussy all over. and we nurses? maybe myself, i'm getting used to it and becoming less compassionate and more task orientated.

sighs. but i still like to work in the medical ICU

SIAN AH.

2011-09-25T00:15:00.003+08:00

my day started off very bad.
just very very irritable,
very angst.

trying to prepare a dress for DZ and Dunz wedding but i just can't find it.
my whole room is in a huge huge mess, and i feel like a huge mess too.

yesterday i realised that my day off for 8th oct is not granted
8th oct is my 1735 planning day cum retreat. Wenya asked me to fake MC.
but i don't even know if i should fake MC to plan the ministry.
cancelled today's 1735 meeting because i couldn't come out with the agenda.
and i really need to get my room mess cleared.
it's my DAY OFF finally to get my stuff done.

reached church today, saw May and realised that my tmr's alpha camp meeting agenda is not done yet. and again i can't attend the meeting because of work. actually all these while i've been feeling very bad for not being able to attend the meetings because of work. initally i can, but because of the wedding i need to swap my roster
because my nurse manager didn't grant my roster!

i just realised that being a trained staff, it's less likely for us to have our day off granted. cuz kwowky texted me and said that her request is not granted too. roster is too tight already. SIAN!

i'm really afraid that i can't cope in serving in 1735 as well as alpha camp in the next 2 months, honestly, i'm losing sight, everything is just so last min. i can't attend meetings because it always clashes with my working days, and i usually need to get OFF DAYS to attend these meetings.

it's really a big big challenge.
AHHHHH SIANNNN AHHHHH!!!!

on a brighter note, thank God for my bus ride with von, cuz i vent all my tiredness to her and wenya who came over my house ard 8pm plus to help me pack my room!

3rd night in 277 Westwood

2011-09-21T23:14:00.002+08:00

i've shifted back to my old house already.
and it's still in a BIG BIG mess!
really too tired to pack, or rather i dunno how to pack!
need to go daiso and ikea to get all the stuffs to keep my room neat and tidy.

really really tired these few days,
have been sleeping early and waking up late.

thank God for giving me ideas for my Kaizen (its my work project)
it was amazing that the idea just happened!
and i took like 1 hour during my night shift to do it.

at least i dont have to be bothered about it
and i can concentrate in packing my room (O.O)
as well as planning for alpha camp
OH thank God that the speaker went for mission trip
so i dont have to rush and meet him up during my moving house days!

iphone can blog!

2011-09-12T22:26:00.001+08:00

yay! im quite happy that now iphone can blog! manz.. now im really tempted to get a IPAD 2!

Sep is going to be a real busy month for me. i'll be moving house, servings in church, buying medical insurance, doing kaizen for work, research project for work, and my blogshop!!

tired... but must jiayou!

a RN in Singapore.

2011-09-01T01:34:00.003+08:00

i'm pretty frustrated with my organization
if they are not going to do anymore things to change
esp welfare for nurses, a lot of the local nurses will leave.

next year, my ward will have a few resignations
those very zai and good nurses are leaving
=(

i'm going to left with the dinosaur combo,
the ultimate lazy combo,
the pinoys combo

and locals???
OMG! left less than 10!!
>.<

why?

2011-08-21T16:05:00.003+08:00

it's been a year already.
today is my Ah Ma's 1st death anniversary.
although things happened,
but at least i'm glad that during march
we, as a whole family, visited the columbarium for Gong gong's death anniversary

just ended my alpha camp meeting,
i called Y, then i realised that she've went to the columbarium already
and currently at my uncle's place.
heard from dad, initial plan was 5pm.
so i asked how come? he didn't know about it.

checked out facebook, noted J posted a photo from the columbarium
he's been there already too.

IT A YEAR ALREADY. WHY ARE WE STILL LIKE THIS??!
why can't we visit ah ma together? i tot its the only time where the whole family
can actually be together.

i went to my ah ma hse yesterday, stood at the garden, reminiscing all the laughters
that flood the whole garden. the christmas parties, the usual spot for our CNY family photo, the corners where all my uncles and aunties will sit together and chit chat with my grandparents, and us cousins will be playing outside or chatting inside the house.

i really really miss those days and hope to get it back.
because that's the time where i am really happy.
its the kind of joy that even close friends can't provide.

:'(

car sick

2011-08-11T23:46:00.002+08:00

today was my first time taking the ambulance with its siren on.
usually siren wasn't on because its not an emergency case
but today as i transferred my patient to NUH CTSICU
whoa.. i experienced that fast speed ambulance
super fast. and quite scary.

its like adrenaline rush, driver rushing to reach NUH,
me and the MO we're looking at the vital signs..
patient's blood pressure crashing because of the high bolus dose
of IV Propofol given, thank God he did not desaturate because
the MO who's with me was having a bad car sick ahaha.

these few days have been quite happening
rushing for time, everything is done stat
very fast paced.
now as i relax on my bed typing.
WOW. i can feel that i'm really exhausted.
and my heart is still beating pretty fast.

2 more days to off days!
let it be good!

it's a sad PH

2011-08-09T23:15:00.003+08:00

did MET(Medical Emergency Team) outreach today
went to see 2 patients.

MET outreach is done by ICU nurses who's LSCN trained or Adv Dip or have been working in the ICU for quite sometime. Basically we review patients who was transferred out of the ICU the day before, and see how is the patient coping in the general ward.
so...

patient 1:
He came in for APO, when i review him, i noticed that he had a spike of temp
and he was feeling nauseated. Checked his vital signs, it was alright just a bit of tachycardia (fast heart rate) because he was coughing, he wasn't having fever at that time, not breathless nor any pain, i had a bad feeling, therefore i told the staff nurse incharge of him to observe him. then 2 hours later, he's in the ICU. before he was coded, he was talking to his family members, then shortly he was unresponsive, his family members thought that he was sleeping. only when the nurse when to check on him, then realised that he have bradycardia (slow heart rate)
Coded in the ward, sent to the ICU, he's already asystole, did CPR and thank God our registrar didnt ask us to stop even though the downtime is 40mins already, and he's pulse returned after a few cycles of CPR. So many collapsed cases i've seen, this is the 2nd time i saw a return pulse, i was really happy about it. praying hard inside that he can make it thru. but on the other hand i know he's actually "half-dead"
his pupils are fixed and dilated, he's very dusky looking, and with that prolong down time, for sure he have hypoxic brain injury.

patient 2:
She had single vessel disease, meaning 1 of the coronary artery was blocked, so she did a PCI(percutaneous coronary intervention), on the day when she was going to be transferred out to the general ward, she had an acute stroke, made believe that it was due to a cardiac emboli. I sponged her before she had the stroke, she was talking to her family members, the next moment when L wanted to serve her lunch, she could no longer talk, she was drowsy looking, disorientated, she was slanting to her right and totally no strength to move her right limbs. i saw her in the ward today, she can recognise me, she know she had a stroke, she know she can't talk. and i really feel very sad for her.

these two patients are those whom i've come across within hours and the very next thing was they turned bad. depressing manx. ha ha!

soft toys

2011-08-08T01:38:00.000+08:00

i ordered an expensive soft toy for myself today.
actually i really like soft toys a lot, esp those big ones.

i used to be very practical and money savvy
but now im like total opposite.

die lah. hahaha!

my soft toy will be kept by sharon till i shift back to jurong again.
oh wells, its my own housewarming gift for myself

HA HA!

God is able

2011-07-28T22:18:00.002+08:00

God never fails us.
it does not mean that He'll give you what you want
like success, wealth, health, relationships.
it means that He's always with us, never forsake us.
God is good.
it's so difficult to comprehend His greatness.
God is love.
really need to be in a relationship with Him and experience it
to know how is it like.

Met up with G today and the last time we saw each other was 1year plus ago.
it was planned as a mere causal chit chat session
but it turned out to be a session planned by God. not coincidental at all.
told her all the problems i've been facing recently, all my emotions, frustrations, desires. and God really spoke to me thru her.

ever since i've started work again, things haven't been smooth, that i mean spiritually. skipped church, skipped cell, dropped DG.
drowned myself into earthly issues and desires, to fill up that emptiness.

desire for branded stuffs
desire for beauty
desire for a relationship
desire for a promotion
desire for money
desire for popularity
desire for knowledge
desire for many more
for the past few days, these desires overwhelmed my desire for God.

being a lurker in a whatsapp group chat made me envy for that fellowship session
almost everyday in the CBD area. suddenly i felt that i'm so near yet so far...
their frequent meet ups for lunch, dinner, gcb, suppers, ds sessions is what i envy and what i really want also, but i know that with all my shift duties, it's almost impossible.

a colleague told me yesterday that her boyfriend proposed to her. i can see her joy.
my good friend happily married, and have a baby girl. i can see her joy.
colleagues, patients, friends keep asking me "do you have a boyfriend?". "why not?"
"too picky?" "don't set expectations so high lah" and i'm really tired of these questions, even though i still smiled and say "no, let nature take its course."
i do envy and hope for someone to love me. someone who can be with me. tolerate me. cuddle me when i'm happy or sad. who don't?

my life have a lot of imperfections. looking thru old photos, i'm so afraid i'll have all the pimples, looking fat, bloated physical appearance. such that i started to dress up, i'll always go online and look at the branded stuffs and online shopping stuffs. Even though i didnt get them, but i look at them almost like everyday hoping to buy them all, which is still lusting. I spent bombs on skincare products, make ups, braces, its all just to hide imperfections, creating a good first impression, looking good, looking pretty. but i know all these won't help at all. because inner beauty shines, and i've lost them, because i'm not smiling heartily.

at work, i want to be knowledgeable, be recognized, be lovable among colleagues, family, patient, so i can be promoted fast, more pay, more money, lead a better life.i hid mistakes, i help others hide mistakes. but i know these comes with a price if hidden agenda is promotion and wealth.

yes, i'm chasing for earthly stuffs more than chasing after God.
I overwhelms God. I like, I want, I need
pointless. everything is pointless.

envy others in CBD for their frequent meetups, for what?? fellowship?
if our friendships based on CBD meetups, isn't it too weak? do i want it even?
lurking in whatsapp, i know how's my friends doing, i'm updated. won't that be enough?
wanting a relationship, but my relationship with God?
i can't even let go of that one-sided relationship, ha ha ha! am i asking too much?
physical imperfections. well, people do say i look prettier, so?
how's the first impressions? where's the real cheery smile?
strive for excellence at work, but i can't even admit my mistakes!
yea.. excellence. bullshit.

i failed myself. again and again,
i'm being stubborn, being in control of everything
i've become pessimistic, i allowed myself to drop further.

i felt lost for leading alpha camp, i dunno what to do
same as 1735, i dunno what to do.
i lost motivation, i lost passion.
i use disappointments as an excuse
totally disappointed with myself.
and still did not pray and seek God.
i just refused to address to this whole issue

but today, God made me address to this, thru G.
i'm reminded to count my blessings, don't envy others, cuz my blessing is higher than theirs.
i'm taught how to pray, pray for God to remove all these little worries, all these desires that's in me. the problem is all laid right infront of me. i just need to pray for it to be removed.
i'm asked to do a closure for that one-sided relationship, in order to move on for my future partner.
i'm called to seek ye first. when there's a conflict, you know there's something not right because God won't put conflicts in His service, it have to be sorted out with prayers and talk about it.

seek for His answers, not my own answers. What He wants, not what I want.
continuously feed on His Word. Let Him sit on the throne.

have a little faith

2011-07-25T01:41:00.002+08:00

in mitch albom's book 'have a little faith' says,
faith is about doing.you are how you act, not just how you believe.

Ever since i started work again, i'm missing a lot of church activites.
DG session, Cell Group, Men Tu

i ask myself then, how have i been feeling
when i've skipped church and Men tu for so many weeks.
I've somehow to an extend, lost touch with the bible.
it feels like... empty and unimportant.

it's like eating alone, such that it doesnt matter what kind of food i eat,
junk food, finger food etc. i'm full that's it. but i know its unhealthy.
unlike eating with many people, you'll plan and find a nice place, eat something healthier, a proper meal at least.

this is the same as feeding on God's word
and i've been feeding on it by myself.

This is Our God

2011-07-18T21:51:00.005+08:00

Made a stand for having Ministry time in Alpha Camp by sending an email out to Rev Yu as well as all the Daoshis. And also to hope that the church allows Ian to come and speak, but the church pastoral team rejected Ian as the speaker
but allows Ministry time to happen in Alpha Camp =)

and i think this is enough. although from Rev Yu, the passage that God used to speak to me wasn't really in sync with the context i'm in
but i do believe that God spoke and His will be done.

being rejected or not supported for sure does made me feel discouraged, but i know that He wants me to continue to seek Him and draw near to Him each and every time, again and again.

indeed THIS IS OUR GOD.

Your grace is enough
More than I need
At Your word I will believe
I wait for You
Draw near again
Let Your Spirit make me new
I will fall at Your feet
And I will worship You here

Colossians 3:23-24
"23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

show up

2011-07-16T11:51:00.002+08:00

was doing my QT and its titled Show Up.
read the story in Acts 15
where it says in verse 6

"5 Then some of the believers who belonged to the party of the Pharisees stood up and said, “The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to keep the law of Moses.” 6 The apostles and elders met to consider this question. 7 After much discussion, Peter got up and addressed them: “Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe. 8 God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. 9 He did not discriminate between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith. 10 Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of Gentiles a yoke that neither we nor our ancestors have been able to bear? 11 No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”"

it feels like what I've went through with my pastor, camp teachers
there's some traditions that my church have to keep or have to be aware of.

then at the same time, there's a disagreement i have with my vice chairperson
just like Paul and Barnabas, refused to bring Mark along.
and again, God spoke in 2 Tim , Paul said to Tim to being Mark along, because he knows that he is helpful in the ministry.

thinking about myself being a 1735 ministry chairperson, alphacamp chairperson,
a leader in church, in cell. i'm called to preach.

Luke 12:47-48
47 “And a servant who knows what the master wants, but isn’t prepared and doesn’t carry out those instructions, will be severely punished. 48 But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.

I know the Lord wants revival in our church, but i have a lot of worries, putting own experiences and relating myself to all, which is wrong.

2 Tim 4:1-5

I solemnly urge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who will someday judge the living and the dead when he appears to set up his Kingdom: 2 Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.

3 For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will reject the truth and chase after myths.

5 But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don’t be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.

in this quiet time with God, yes the answer is there.
and i thank God for this. Its like telling me
"Yes Gabrielle, listen, this is what I want."

happy birthday!

2011-06-29T00:24:00.004+08:00

Kitty's baby refused to come out today.

I had a great time with my church friends last night and skipped mentu

I'm going to have breakfast with Yvonne later in the morning at 7:30am

Suefern waited till 12am to greet me happy birthday cuz i insisted

The no. of wishes i got within 10mins was 14.. and there's more coming.

I'm going to work afternoon shift. will i have birthday luck??
currently its 12/19 patients *fingers crossed*

i missed my group of poly friends who've been celebrating my bday for the past 4 years. now they're ALL IN AUSTRALIA!! except sharon. >.<

I received wishes on FB from people who looked familiar, but i totally forget who are they. *guilty*

i'm freaking 22 years old already. 364 more days to 23 and still counting.

what's perfect.

2011-06-25T12:33:00.003+08:00

sometimes you handle different tasks, different roles in life
and when many of its worries and unforseen circumstances
just overwhelms you, and drowns you with all sorts of emotions
that makes you weary, what will you do?

when you're given a new task, a new role on top of what you have
will you be try to take the chance to make it up to own expectations
because you know it's possible.

i've become a perfectionist.
that because of all the worries, discouragements, the helplessness
that i've been through, made me felt sick and tired
that i dont want to go thru anymore
that when there's a new chance, a new task, i want it to be done right.
something that i think should be right. and not what others think.
i guess then, i'll won't be disappointed,
i won't be discouraged.

but again, i realised that i've upset the people around me.
too focus at doing things right in my own expectations
losing focus on the more important aspect, the relationships
the time spent together,

oh no. not a perfectionist, but a self-centred, selfish girl.

Lord, what have i become?

breakdowns

2011-06-18T21:01:00.002+08:00

This is my first breakdown i have this year.
from all the committments i've made.

had a chat with wenya which became a trigger point for breaking down
i guessed all these while i've been keeping all the issues inside me
and ignoring it. which really affects my performance.

i guessed for the past few days,
too many disappointments set in.

the many mistakes that i made at work
the many little things that i've mislooked especially in my documentations
my preceptor who guides me when i first came into the ICU, she's very disappointed with me. i guess wenya too.
i know i can do better
that's why i'm also very disappointed with myself when errors happened, when documentations not complete.

then in 1735
its really tough to push people to do things right.
i'm not talking about doing things perfect. i'm just talking about doing right.
from comm members to cell group leaders to every members in 1735

and i know in Alpha Camp
there's will be more things to push forth.

but i know this is the reality that i have to face.
everyone, everywhere is the same.
at work, in church
this is the first time i breakdown in the start of my busy half year.
i believe there will be more.
but every tear i shed.
i'll make sure it makes me even stronger.

stories from work today

2011-06-18T18:12:00.004+08:00

Story 1
i saw this old man crying out loud
because his younger sister is in the ICU, sedated, intubated.
he walks up and down in the room,
having tears welled up in his eyes.
kept asking me " Staff Nurse, can she able to hear me when i keep talking to her?"
well i told him "Yes, she is there. she can hear you, but u need to wake her up first because she's sleeping due to the medication we're infusing to her."
then he shared, "very pitiful, really very pitiful. She's a very nice lady, she takes care of my family well, because she couldn't let go of her bad relationship, she became schizophrenic. i always take care of her, look after her"
then he turned to his sister, " ah mui, if you can hear me, pls nod your head."
and back to me saying, "i only want to see her opening her eyes."
"fate lah, its fate, really."

Story 2
Young guy here two years older than me.
He's fighting with the ventilator, and the ventilator keeps beeping.
He's very tachypneic, breathing at the rate of 40breaths per min
I went over to him, pat his chest and asked him to breath slowly
right opposite me was his father and he asked me anxiously"why is the ventilator
keeps on alarming?"
then i told him " Your son is fine, just that he's breathing too fast, i'm trying to ask him to relax and breath slowly. i'll inform the Dr to increase the medication for him to relax more."
the father then pat his son on the chest, worried and anxious, asking his son to breath slowly and tearing away.

Story 3
I took care of her for a few times in the ICU, it was really quite heartbreaking to see her deteriorate. from a simple Pneumonia TB, to liver failure due the TB medications, to renal shutdown. from a thin lady, became a edematous lady
broken skins all over her body.
She's very cooperative, she will help me in turning herself, she will nod her head when she sees me, she will thumbs up when i did a thumb up to her. that was like a few weeks ago back in may, where she still can smile.

Later much after her tracheostomy, she's not smiling anymore.
whenever her family came to visit her, talk to her over the intercom, she just refused to open her eyes. but few days back, she finally opened her eyes,
and right infront of her, is her WHOLE KAMPONG of family.
she smiled again, once and waving to them. then i nv see her smile again.

till today, i looked at her i spoke to her in malay
"NehNek, okay? Ada sa kit? Bagus tak?"
and she smiled at me.

Sometimes I really don't know how to comfort the family, but to let go of my work for a while and be a listening ear for them to allow them to tell me patient's life, some can be really good as in they how they appreciate the patient, how nice they were before, how's their life like. and sometimes it can be really bad like how the patient abandoned them, or treat them badly but they are still willing to visit the patient.

Sometimes when they asked me "how's my mother? how's my father? how's my son?"
its like the toughest question to answer. I'll always tell them that "patient is currently stable, and still status quo. sometimes i'll just tell them that we're all doing our best to give him/her the best treatments, currently what we're doing is this and that and my job here is to keep him/her comfortable, pain free."
But i know that the patient can never be comfortable, and patient is deteriorating further each day.

But at the same time, as i comfort others, my patients will comfort me too.
whenever i felt stressed up with adrenaline rush, i felt tied up at work
i felt really tired like.. gosh am i going to continue doing these for years?
i'll always get like a smile, a nod, or looked into my eyes, those like dreamy, teary thank you kind of expression, an expression really hard to describe but i know.

its something that money can never buy.
a satisfaction that reassures me a lot that i can render good care to my very ill patients. something that keeps holding me on when i'm discouraged.
like all the little frustrations have turned into smoke and disappeared.

this is why i really liked nursing.

me and R

2011-06-18T01:10:00.004+08:00

well today i've different groups of ppl asking me about R
like any updates?
am i out of this whole thing?

that point of time
i can only say,
well, i'm just taking it like normal
it's much better than before.

we hanged out with a group of friends
and they thought that it'll be awkward
but in fact nope. it's not awkward anymore.
i'm rather happy that we all hanged out.
get to know slight bit more of each other at least.

i guess true enough i DO have feelings still
and i dunno is it because i'm too used to it or what
but i guess i'll just hide it somewhere deep in my heart
and really move on.

i won't expect anything
i just want to be like normal
and be open to any relationships that comes by.

no longer will i pray for R to happen
no longer will i pray for us to have a better friendship
no longer will i be awkward with him around
no longer will i care about what he thinks of me.

it's going to be silly memories i have
and i really thank God for these memories
some that are sweet, some that are sour
and i'll keep them somewhere deep in my heart
a secret that will nv leak out to him
and that i'll move on, allowing nature to take its course.

someone asked me
"am i prepared to be single?"

well, that i really dont know.
but i do believe that God planned someone for me.
just that we're still finding our way for each other.
even if there isn't a day where we meet
i guess, there and then, i'll be much prepared to stay single.

yes, i really do like you R
even when i heard about bad stuffs about you ahaha!
but now i'm really going to say goodbye
to the feelings i have for you.
i know i didnt make efforts to try or i really did. via msn chats! but it was awkward
i know i hid it all these while for a very long time praying about it
i know i didnt make it known to you instead to most of ppl around you hahaha!
i know there's alot of signals i got that relates much towards you that keeps me holding on, and probably you will never know about it.
i know that these are feelings accumulated so long that i probably wont forget
but its a choice i make
and it's going to be a true choice, a choice i will not regret.
its not easy but i believe its the best for myself.

you were a eye candy when i was sec 2, then a crush after you're back from army when we served together, till today.. it was like freaking long!

but then, goodbye to the R i liked for so long.
hello to friend R.

friends, i'm really fine with R hanging around me. really.
=)

my first roster as an ICU trained RN

2011-06-16T11:25:00.002+08:00

i totally understand why wenya says she's tired.
even though we have enough rest, we're still tired.

it's that mental stress that made us tired.
every min, every sec, i need to use my brains
"okay what's next? should i do this first or do that first?"
"patient's BP is getting lower, which medication should i increase or decrease first?"
"IVs, is this first dose? what time should i give? what's the time for next dose?"
"bloods, should i take it now? or do something else first? is it urgent?"
"what have i given to the patients, what are the IVs that i've given, what do i need to charge the patient, what do i need to chart in my IO chart?"
"what else have i missed out? have i done everything?"

on top of all these million questions, i need to look out for patient, pulling out the catheters, being restless, fighting with the ventilator, handling all the questions bombarded by the family, chasing the family members out.

and if you're taking 3 patients, you need to do all these x3!

i really can't wait for my bond to end. really.

another horrible shift

2011-06-07T22:23:00.002+08:00

today had a horrible horrible shift.
i felt horrible too. grr.
i'm still at my learning stage, there's a lot of things i need to catch up esp 8 months away from work.i need some time.
i'm not some adv dip trained ICU nurse who graduate and WILL KNOW EVERYTHING.

because my ICU experience in the NEW KTPH is only like less than half a year.
many things changed from AH to KTPH. i need some time to adapt.
sighs. just need to whine it out.

nways, on a brighter note.
past few days i dunno izzit due to pmsing or what.
i really think that nursing is not my cuppa tea.
or... the ICU isn't my cuppa tea.
but today again, God brought me back into nursing.
i had a short short talk with my patient today

" Good morning Uncle T! "
" morning! "
" what's your name? "
" Gabrielle "
" local? "
" yup! "
" oh my gosh, malena stools "
" what's malena stools? "
" its stale malena stools, means you're passing out 'old' blood "
" oh my gosh, fresh blood aspirate, uncle T u're bleeding from the upper GIT. "
" maybe u need a scope, have you done any during this admission? "
" i've done twice, once in 1994, the other 2008. "
" mmm okay, but most likely the Drs will do a scope for you today. "
" do i have to take laxatives? "
" nope because u're already having diarrhea and very watery malena stools "

" morning Dr Eng! "
" Sir, i think you need to have a scope done. "
" okay and i'll trust and rely on God, i praise the Lord. "

" alright uncle T, i'll leaving you here, u okay? "
" can i have my call bell, i feel safer with the call bell. "
" here's your call bell, but dont worry, i'll always peek on you to make sure u're fine "

he had an urgent OGD done and was intubated, after that..

" hi again uncle T are you okay? now you can't talk alright, breath slowly and relax, you're doing well now. "
(he made the call bell gesture)
" here's your call bell "

and that's my last sentence to him.
he left this evening and be with our Father in heaven.

He knows the risks, but he leave it to the Lord
although still there's fear, even the last moment, he needs to grab unto something safe, but i strongly believe that he still praises the Lord.

what about myself? when i said i rely and trust in the Lord, did i?
come and think about it now, what i went through today is peanuts.
what i fear is to make mistakes, to be looked down. i dont want to be compared.
well for uncle T, he just fear that the Lord will take him away before his son reached Singapore.

its a different kind of fear, but same kind of faith.
the difference here is how much is our faith.

so jinx today cuz i didnt pray before start of shift!
=(

the 2nd half of the year.

2011-06-05T22:20:00.003+08:00

is going to be VERY EXCITING.

1. Becoming a trained ICU staff in 4 more days.
2. Chair Alpha Camp from today till the camp day.
3. Youth Sunday this July
4. THAILAND GET AWAY WITH LOVE ONES <3
5. JCI audit this August
6. Prepare to move into Westwood 277 this September
7. Move into 277 this Oct
8. 1735 Comm retreat cum planning this Oct
9. Graduate from MenTu this Nov
10. ALPHA CAMP!

laughters all night long

2011-06-02T23:54:00.002+08:00

i really need laughters, because it keeps me away from all forms of stress,
just laughter and be happy.
many things happened at work, it wasn't smooth for me
8 months away from patient's bedside and coming back to work
this transition is really tough.

left 5 more days as a student in the ICU
after which there will be more stress at work.
because i'm trained.

thsnk God, with some help from alcohol,
i had a good laugh, i can just laugh out loud,
do stupid things and laugh.

since i start work again,
i really what i need most are laughters.

laugh indeed the best medicine.

laughter is the best medicine

2011-06-01T23:27:00.002+08:00

ever since i started work again
i'm not laughing like before.

is it the environment? because patients are critically ill
and those faces on each family members portrays sadness
or is it my colleauges? they are too stressed up or too busy with work
that they just shut themselves at their desk, mugging away
or is it myself? just unable to blend into my workplace?

a qns was posted during book review. "showing of hands, how many people felt passionate about coming to work?"

my ans is no. i'm not at all passionate about gg to work.
i used to have it but now no. then i asked myself why??

i still like to take care of my patients, i find joy in them
when i see them smile even they are very sick, when i see them looked into my eyes
giving me a tired "thank you", it can really make my day.
relatives being sad, and i can be there for them, i felt good too!
so reason doesnt lie with my patients nor relatives

which leads to the 2nd possible reason. Colleauges

true enough, i can't blend well with my colleagues
we're of different frequency. i really thank God that at least i have wenya on the same shift with me, so that at least there's some social factor at work
after 8 mths of school and stuffs, social became a big factor for me.
and i really need it.

then the 3rd reason. self
i guess i've been giving myself high expectations,
and when things goes wrong i just dwell upon the incident for like hundred years.
and keep having negative perceptions.

i guess, this start of the month.
i need to do something and change. whatever happened in may. leave it there.
and move on...

time and chance

2011-05-26T09:39:00.002+08:00

"The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time."
-Ecclesiastes 9:11

"God has made everything beautiful for its own time... Whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it." -Ecclesiastes 3:11,14

Met L ytd over a drink and told him about myself being nominated as Alphacamp head.
and whether should i take up that role or not. knowing myself having other servings in church. just like what S usually tells me, where's ur focus, can u still focus on God while serving? L also reminded me not to overstretch myself in servings because i may lose focus on God and that's when i'll feel tired about serving
and all these contributes to poor spiritual growths.

which made me recall the time when i was in secondary school and poly days, i served a lot in church and ended up feeling tired. now thinking about it, i really grew closer to the Lord. without all those, i guess i won't be what i am today. someone who really fears the Lord and love the Lord.

for the past few years of my life, i always worries about the future, all the what ifs.. and today while i'm doing QT and thinking about the patients i have, thinking about what am i worrying? (if you asked me not to worry i can't. its like human nature.)

everything has its own time, everything has its chance.
its not for me to decide but to lay it all out to God
and accept the things He asked me to, He wants me to do.
and all these is because of Him. not for myself.

i guess Alphacamp this year to me is not about being passionate for preaching the gospel, but to learn to rely on Him... rather like a 6months lesson by Him, teaching me how to fully rely and focus on Him in busyness.

i've prayed and found the peace.

amazing isn't it?

the purpose

2011-05-22T23:43:00.002+08:00

i have a lot of decisions to make
that doesn't give me enough time to think about.
then i realised its not that i do not have enough time,
its just that i didn't want to think about it.

is God working now to make me do the right decision?
or am i the one, trying to take up the challenge, be ambitious?
actually, i'm just coming up with all sorts of excuses to shunt it off?

i asked myself, what's my greatest concern?
i replied FEAR.
i fear that i can't do a good job
i fear that i can't juggle my work and servings
i fear that i'll become a disappointment.

then again,

"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish... So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:10-11

Lord, lead me as you know me best.

you looked happier.

2011-05-14T22:46:00.002+08:00

Enli said i looked happier
Nathan said i'm like quite free

actually true enough,
i'm happier with all my weekends off
going to cell regular,
going to church regular,
hanging out with friends
more carefree~

attended Stuart Briscoe's 3 days conference in church
and this particular msg really speak to me
its the very last topic of the whole conference
"Disciples and Priorities"
Matt 6:19-34

there's many choices in life that i need to choose.
-what if what is "right" is not profitable?
-what if what is "good" is not comfortable?
-what is what is "true" is not fashionable?

i always worry about what i want in my life
my future, finances, educations all these practical fundamental material things.
and my mind, my actions are running after these things.

but this particular msg in matt stopped me once again.
i remembered sharing in my previous post that i'm someone who worries about not having enough. i'll be troubled, be perplexed and never find the answer.

i'm back to the situation whereby i'm stucked about what should i do after my advance dip. should i do degree part time next year? should i finish my bond, and take a full time degree with honours 2 years later?
will i be still able to study after 2 years of work? what about the $$ if i study full time? all these are really practical questions that i really need to ask.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOULD I? SHOULD I NOT?

well, then again after reading matt 6:19-34 and the pointers given by rev stuart,

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteouness, then all these things shall be ADDED unto you, therefore do not worry v24,25

No one can serve two masters, its spiritual impossibility.
esp the most significant is money and God.
often people worship the material things like money, than to worship the one who create money!

make sense isn't it? hahaha!

well, it also doesn't mean that all these concerns are unimportant, because the Kingdom is important and everything else is less important!

i'm called into nursing, not to yearn for $$ nor to be recognized in the secular workplace, but to work for the Lord, the call is to follow Him and then He'll make me.

i'm going to resigned as a Registered Nurse and be disciple of Jesus Christ skillfully disguised as a Registered Nurse.

true enough, going to church every weekends, hanging out with church friends on weekends,having more time to care and concern about my other friends outside the christian circle, i'm really happier.

being happier? or being richer?

Limping or Running?

2011-05-10T23:04:00.002+08:00

this is a LONG POST.

i dunno what i did was right or wrong.
i felt that i'm a bad person, or a two faced person.
im just confused.

i told ET not to associated me with E.
because i really felt that they associated me with E,
thinking that we're very close, good friends
but to me... i think E is a friend.

when E says stuffs about me in front of my other friends,
when she corrected me so openly as if i've done a major mistake
but i didnt. its just some remarks she couldn't accept.
i dislike her.

sometimes when i hang out with her, i think she's alright
we can click. but at times, rather most of the time,
i dislike her, being "arrogant"
i got very hurt by her.

i told G about it once when i was feeling hurt by E
she told me to stand up for myself.
today i told my attachment mates
about how i felt and how much i dislike E
and yet being a two faced, trying to be friend with E

C, one of my friend then told me that she didn't like her as well
same goes to ET.

now as days goes by, more and more days spent with E
i couldn't really tolerate her remarks anymore.
some say "Gab, learn to stand up for yourself."
some say "just treat it as if she didnt take medicine, ignore."
some say "look at her good points."

well, i did the latter two "some say"
but i guess i didnt really stand up for myself. i wonder why. is it because i'm feeling inferior?

i spent sometime thinking about it. and realised that i'm someone who wants to be likeable. not popular, but i just want people around me to likes me and not dislike me. i want people around me to be happy with me around. that's all.
that's also why i used myself as a joke, well, its not like sacrificial, suicidal self image, but just be a clown and make ppl happy, and i'm happy

but sometimes E made it such that i'm dumb. HATE IT!!

amazingly, at the point where i'm once again lost and confused, hurt.
did my QT. AWESOMENESS! it was comforting.

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Cor 12:8-10

these hurts/pains reminds me of the limitations. my limitations.
"to those of us who pride ourselves on our independence and feel most comfortable being in control, we don't relish the pain when it reminds us we're vulnerable.
instead of admitting our need, we "play through the pain," if not to convince ourselves then to assure others that we can handle whatever comes our way. No one likes to feel weak."

"Pride keeps us from admitting our needs, much less our failures. But until we're willing to deal with those things, we cut ourselves off from the fullness of the power of Christ in our lives."

i guess, that wanting to be a likeable person, aiming to achieve that, making me wanting to gain control, thinking that its simple, easy, i can rely on myself.
but to be such a person, i need to put down this pride, this thought and rely on God.
it's a simple yet tough move to make.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint

- Isaiah 40:29-31

really got to ask myself this:

do i want to be limping on an old wound rather than admitting my weakness and hurt to the Lord?

there is a difference between limping and running.

good O'days

2011-05-01T23:30:00.002+08:00

its been a long time since i run alot
ran 8km today phew~ but its good sweating out!

followed by hanging out with different combi of people
playing pool, lazy window shopping, drinking a jug of beer and laughing away,
roller blading(ohh! i've improved alot! =)))
chatting about good Old school days
going prawning tmr!

i guess that's all i can do and what i really want to do before i start work again officially after june 10th.
a time where i can really fellowship with my church friends
(seriously, church friends are harder to jio~)

now i'm going to pick up reading!
i must read ah.. too many books at home haven finish reading!!
and i'm going to buy another 2 more books. gosh!

General Election

2011-04-28T00:34:00.002+08:00

its the hottest topic now
very sensitive, very tricky!
politicians shooting each other up down left right
i wonder where's the "to build a democratic society, based on justice and equality"
that we said in our national pledge.

"so as to achieve happiness prosperity and progress for our nation."
1 word. SIGHS.

i haven been reading up on some news about elections and clear enough
that many ppl will vote for the oppositions.
the current government have been focusing too much on prosperity and progress,
making the netizens filled with unhappiness.

probably for me, the most direct impact i have are the the issue on foreign "talents"
i'm not trying to be like a nation-cist here. but true enough the Pinoy nurses in singapore are growing furiously like some wild fire, turning more and more arrogant.

not only that, some even dislike singaporean, but they are here to take care of singaporeans. with that in mind, do wonder about the kind of care and treatment they will provide for the local patients here.

i'm totally fine with "importing" the foreigners over to slough for singapore
but to take care of one? what kind of quality will that be?
when it comes to compromising of patient care, gosh this is terrible.

moreover, with so many of them, people will use them as a gauge of how local singapore nurses will treat the patients, and there it worsens the usual sterotyping that the commoners have about us.

SIGHS~

?stand for yourself

2011-04-26T12:31:00.002+08:00

im in NUH medical ICU, super bored here because we're students, we can only do minimal things like turning, changing diapers :(
so im gonna blog abt what just happened to me.. almost everyday of my attachment life and today im really quite upset about it.

have you ever have a peer of yours making jokes out of you, but u think its fine
cuz just allow everyone to laugh abit, create a friendlier atmosphere..
but sometimes or most of the time it gets overboard and it became hurtful..

you know u can't retaliate because the person is quite influential, a simple thing can be easily exaggerated
already guess why not a simple dislike of certain act may turn into something even worse.
i guess thats me, i wont really stand up for myself, just swallow it and try to let it be.

i didnt want things to turn awkward among my peers
guess thats e reason why i dont stand for myself and after a long while
it became a character..

but i thank God for that friendship.. because i learnt how to tolerate and be even nicer
if i can tolerate this, thru out e long run who knows at work with patients relatives etc, i may not
become a hypocrite like "acting" nice, but instead with a genuine heart, be nice to the nasty.
i want to believe it this way.

what is right? and what is wrong?

2011-04-22T20:48:00.003+08:00

certain issues in this society we live in
do we know what's right and what's wrong?
how can we find out?

my friend K, a christian, popped a qns to me yes night.
"the church in singapore condemns homosexuality right?"
then we had a near 2 hours chat about whether homosexuality is a sin.

so i said, YES it is a sin. Because God created man and woman
that's the normal human cycle, he didnt create man and man to be companions
nor woman and woman to be. And in Leviticus 20:13, 1 Cor 6:9, Genesis's story about Sodom City where the 2 angels visited Lot and the men outside request for Lot to bring the angels out so that they can have sex with them. and thus the city was destroyed by God.

pretty obvious that heyy it's condemned isn't it?
but then during our convo, what struck me was that
true enough, we're looking at bible in different perspective

to me, the Sodom City was about homosexuality
but to K it means that not to abuse the guest.

then K also sees that the bible didnt outrightly condemn homosexuality,
the society does. it's because since young we're taught not to fall in love with same sex, we're shaped to fall in love with different sex, society, self-concept comes in. although medically, the also hormones plays a part in it. how about genetically people who are "born homosexual"?

it wouldn't be fair isn't it? so is that sining?
then another pop out in my head. if homosexuality is a sin,
what about watching homo dramas like the L word, brokeback mountain, etc
am i sining? or it's just a preference?

K said that its a preference. just like watching violence, horror.
then i asked ST, a non christian friend, is homosexuality a sin?
is watching homo drama a sin?
she said, homosexuality is not a sin cuz its subconscious, cuz the hormones faults, inbuilt. but watching homo drama is a sin cuz its wrong and u still do it. its conscious wrongdoing. (FYI: according to V, knowing its wrong yet doing it is called transgression, a different kind of sin)

then today i saw J online, and so asked him. there, i get another viewpoint.
the act of homosexuality is a sin but the tendency of homosexuality is not a sin.
just like having high sex drive, its inbuild, can't control
but that doesnt mean one will commit pre-marital sex (which is a sin, in the bible)
or a person easily angered, its one's character that's not a sin, but if he go and whack people outside that is a sin.
so if one were to have tendency of homosexuality, but not commiting the act of homosexuality that is not sining
because will God create u to become homosexual and tell u that u're sining?
thus for that one homosexual, he/she is to learn to be single and live for God.

nway the point here is,
besides homosexuality, there's more issues that are contentious
like white lies, ethics etc. they're all grey areas

and as christians its really becoming more and more challenging
its not about just stand firm on what you believe and dont think about it so much, just know its not right don't question cuz the more u ask the more doubtful u'll become. but rather, what concern me was, how the younger generations is going to know what's right and what's wrong.

just like can the F**K be used as an adjective? as christians is it right or wrong to use it? use it online, on twitter, on facebook.
every single movie now has sex scenes. in the past actor and actress don't really kiss mouth to mouth, they use tatics to make it look real, during sex scene, they don't strip entirely, but today's context, they really kiss, french kissing and yes they strip entirely, even though u didnt see the private parts but u know it's entirely stripped naked.

if one day a youth asked me, how am i going to ans to their qns?
or ur kid asked you, "mummy, why can't i use the word F**K? it means very very very nice!"

nway if you're a christian,
to know what's right and what's wrong,
stick close to God, have a good relationship with Him
know Him, because that u'll know what He likes and what He doesn't like
that is what's right, and what's wrong.

and teach well, as said in Titus 2

11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

we call them Coconuts

2011-04-21T22:50:00.002+08:00

it's my last day in Neuro-surgical ICU today
guess i won't be in that setting anymore

it's quite a sad place to work in
it's worse than taking care of a cancer patient.
because behind each neuro patient,
there's always a very saddening heartbreak story to tell.

what kind of patients we'll usually have in the NSICU?

-ruptured aneurysm in the brain
that's the "time bomb" in the head.
it's most of the time asymptomatic. or prior to that, was a severe headache
and boO it blast!

he came for a visit, had a severe headache and there he is, lying in the ICU
intubated. a giant aneurysm ruptured so suddenly. though his life was saved on time,
but this is a life changing event. He is going to be paralysed for life, won't be able to talk, will be bed ridden, can't work. isn't that 身不如死

-Intracranial bleed, that can be in the brainstem

in this case, she can't go for surgery. she was normal, no past medical history, not a smoker nor she drinks. she just suddenly fitted at home one fine day and there she is, lying in the ICU bed, intubated. in a comatose state, but really thank God that her parents, her siblings have been praying for her and today she finally blink and nod her head. it was quite amazing to see a lil recovery, however what's the aftermath is really hard to tell.

the brain cells is not like the liver cells, which is reversible. once the brain cells are damaged, its damaged, its irreversible.

her kids are young,but her aneurysm ruptured and she came in with fixed and dilated pupils. did brain death test on her and she's positive. so became a candidate for HOTA.

just 4 days, and i've come to know many many many stories.
very sad ones.

=(((

heart over mind, mind over body

2011-04-19T23:13:00.002+08:00

my thoughts, my feelings and my actions are not in sync
in what way?

i wanted to study @ SIM, UOS's nursing degree
but my feelings went to Curtin's cuz its cheaper, faster.
and i went to submit my application forms today.
will be notified in 2 weeks time if i make it or not.

in relationships too,
so not in sync till i dunno if i'm doing things, saying things from the bottom of my heart or not.

i used to dislike E, but i took the step to know her better, i really do not know why. i know i treat her as a friend, i treat her well because she's my friend but at times i really dislike her. contridicting.

i like R. but i refused to take the step to know him better, and now that i see him, suddenly those feelings are gone, after all the whooha with God, signals and stuffs, those feelings are gone. i find it weird. but am i really out of it?

J told me recently that he's leaving, for good. My heart sanked. i guess it's because all of the awkwardness previously made our friendship astray? and now i want that friendship back, however it seems tough. why is that so??

CC seems to be drifting away from me too. at times i does felt not part of them, its not being left out.. just that i can't blend in already. i wonder why?

really confused with myself, like what kind of person am i?
i used to be someone who know what kind of person i am,decisive, thrifty
but now its totally way opposite. WHYY?!?
i couldn't figure it out.

watched the latest ep of desperate housewives yesterday.
and the last part strucked me

Susan: So, you're trying to tell me that it is random.
Roy: I'm trying to do anything I can to get you to stop crying, honey. You're on a lucky street. Who knows why? Just enjoy it.
Susan: But, what happens when my luck runs out? I know - Why ask?
Roy: Why ask?

yup, why ask??
in good times, and in bad times.
why ask? Just enjoy it, live it out, live with it.

the holy week.

2011-04-18T00:50:00.002+08:00

today ended with a voice in my mind.

"think about it."

stucked in another crossroad again,
though i know no matter which path i choose
God will lead.

but now i dont even know which path to take.

this holy week, i hope that i can have time with God
to reconcile with Him and seek for His directions.

it's so tough!

EXAMS OVER!

2011-04-13T22:03:00.003+08:00

finally... no more papers!
really never that hardworking mugging away in my entire life before.
im really glad its over!

hope i won't forgot what i've studied during these 6 months.
because i need to use it at work!

next week onwards, i'll be having attachments.
finally back to patient care again. =))

so happpyy!!

11:11 or 12:34

2011-04-08T21:58:00.002+08:00

no they are not any form of signals.

there's so so many things in my mind
making me confused.

after going crazy and confused with all these silly stuffs
signals that i hold on to or what-so-ever,
i come to a point realising that

alright, if those are really signals,
why am i still doubting them?
simply because i can't grasp on anything with signals
i can only grasp onto the Lord

its like the Lord can always give me all sorts of signals,
but i can't grasp onto them because i'm doubting them.
unless like my nursing,
i took the faith step and march on towards nursing
even though till now i dunno where my career path will lead to,
i still hold on and believe God planned for me.

but why i this case i did not do the same thing?
someone told me to just get to know R more.
take the initiative.
but deep down, i really refused to do it.
im not taking that step. probably i won't
dont ask me why, i really do not know
probably becuase i'm too accustomed to the feelings
or i dunno.

really silly of me to contridict myself
but thank God really that it didnt affects my studies, im not like emo-ed, sad abotu it.

the whole idea about this that makes me think so much is...

God, what do you want me to do? why are You making me confused?

guess now i've get it.

simply trust.

gosh easier said than done. but i'll try!

do you love me?

2011-04-07T21:50:00.002+08:00

was talking to my parents over some issues
and mum reminded me that i have to put God in the first place.
i said, yea, i did put God in the first place.

so dad says,

dad: okay then who's no. 2nd? me or your mum?
me: huh, why are u asking me so er xin qns? eew.
mum: are you stupid? the bible says husband and wife are 1 body.

HAHAHA! what the... can like that meh?!? hahahaha

suddenly it made me think about this...

when we say that we love someone, we love something
do we really mean it?
or is it just an adjective to describe
"oh. She is great! He is nice! <3 <3
that thing is WOW, that food.. gosh heavenly, love it!"

sometimes i feel that we've over-used the word love.
we actually like it. not love it.

how about when we say Lord, i love you.
is it an adjective or a noun?

think about it.

have you ever doubt yourself?

2011-04-05T23:02:00.001+08:00

like u did something that's from your own heart
but sometimes people do not apprecitate it
and says that they are angry because that think of it another way
a negative way.

then you start to wonder if at that point of time
izzit really out from your own heart?
or what they say was right.

or you know whatever they said its not right
yet in the end if influences you so much that
you think that you've made a wrong move,
you're caused harm instead.

and that really brings you down.

sometimes i'll just ask myself,
what have gone wrong?
am i not doing the right thing?
or have i done something wrong?
i really start doubting myself
my own character.

alrights, breathe breathe.
pray and blame period.

presbyopia

2011-04-02T22:00:00.002+08:00

in layman terms, 老花
yes, i need a reading glass.
cuz my degree is 100 and 150

how sad.
studied so hard for exams,
Ms Ng says we didnt really do well,
and now i get prebyopia.

well it's not that i can't read
its just that i get headaches and tired eyes
with abit of blurring of the words
when i read too long

=\

okay! shall not complain anymore
time to look on the greener side.

like literally.

十字路口

2011-04-01T01:40:00.004+08:00

I wrote a song, in response to the cross junction i'm at right now.
God spoke to me thru 2 Cor 4:7-18
that i'm here not for sucess, but to live a life that expend the life of Jesus,
because we only have that 1 life to do so. to not fear death, because i'm redeemed
but to fear the Lord. Do not look at troubles we can see now, rather to fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen, because things that can be seen will soon be gone, while the things we cannot see will last forever.

每当来到十字路口
都要选择往哪里走
心里作难，困惑无阻
眼睛好像产生高度数

每当来到十字路口
视觉模糊，看不清楚
害怕自己的脚步
会往失望前步

虽然知道出口的路
心里已经选择迈步
怎么好像还是被捆住

这时你对我说
"无论什么出路只要往前走
带着信心的脚步我会在你左右
顾念着暂时的画面也不会满足
因为所不见的才是永远幸福"

2011-04-01T00:12:00.003+08:00

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

There's a story behind this song...
John Mark(the song writer) had a youth minister (Steven) he was close to and he’d been praying and praying for there to be a movement among the youth that he was leading. One morning, when they were meeting to pray he said, “I’d give my life for this if that’s what it takes to see a movement among these youth. Do whatever you need to do God.” That evening, Steven the youth pastor, died in a car wreck, and John Mark wrote the song in memory of his friend.

John was angry at God,
but despite his anger, rage, frustrations with God, and God still loves him.
and this song is a response of sadness for losing a friend,
but it embolises that we need to praise God in every moments in our lives.

Well, I thought about You the day Steven died and You met me between my breaking
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony
...they want to tell me You're cruel
But if Steven could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

He loves us

am i focusing on God?

2011-03-30T14:29:00.003+08:00

In life, there are many crossroads
after making a choice of which path to take,
it'll lead u into another crossroad.
It's never ending
yes, i'm at the crossroad again.

like Jia fa laoshi said,
you already know the answer, but you want to listen to what you like to listen.

i know that whichever path i take, God will lead me

Suefern reminded with questions last night,

"you said that you can serve more in church when u're into full time studying
but are you focusing on God?
you said that you want to serve in church again, but are you focusing on God?
when you're studying, are you focusing on God?"

"you were the one who told me that i can worship the Lord, serve the Lord anywhere, don't have to be worship and serve in church only. even at work i can worship and serve the Lord. Where's that Gabrielle who told me this?"

yup, it's not about the choice i choose,
the underlying problem here is
have i been focusing on God
am i focusing on God?

its really time for me to stop whatever i'm doing
and retreat away from the world to find my focus.

Life by Sarojini Naidu

2011-03-30T01:11:00.000+08:00

CHILDREN, ye have not lived, to you it seems
Life is a lovely stalactite of dreams,
Or carnival of careless joys that leap
About your hearts like billows on the deep
In flames of amber and of amethyst.

Children, ye have not lived, ye but exist
Till some resistless hour shall rise and move
Your hearts to wake and hunger after love,
And thirst with passionate longing for the things
That burn your brows with blood-red sufferings.

Till ye have battled with great grief and fears,
And borne the conflict of dream-shattering years,
Wounded with fierce desire and worn with strife,
Children, ye have not lived: for this is life.

ACCN 1 final paper

2011-03-29T22:48:00.003+08:00

i wouldn't say my paper today is difficult, nor is it easy. just manageable.
i have friends asking me why do i study so hard for advance dip.
why am i staying up all night just studying for it.
some say you won't fail, diplomas are designed for you to pass.
some say my lecturer won't make us fail, surely you will pass.
and i tell people that i'm just aiming for a pass.

true enough i'm just aiming for a pass
so why am i studying so hard.

i guess the stress is work-related. and i'm getting closer to graduation.
and the day when i wear scrubs again, i'll be holding on to another title.
Trained ICU nurse.
because i'm trained, i have more responsibilites and most importantly, i should know better about patient's conditions.

that is why i won't spend so much time on healthcare management modules and psychosocial modules but i'll spend alot of time on my ACCN modules and my Pathophysiology module simply because i want to be better in clinically, critical in thinking, able to pick up abnormal values and link them to the diagnosis, be able to participate better in Dr's rounds and stuffs.

behind all these i just want to be knowledgeable and to become a nurse that can discuss plans with the Doctors. i'm not striving to be an APN or faster promotions
but to gain trust from Drs and Patients that nurses can be as knowlegeable in other ways apart from being a handmaiden of the Doctors.

sometimes it really hurts when people says "she's just a nurse."
yes its true that we're just nurses, but we know what are we doing, the treatment plans. in fact, most nurses in Singapore have more qualifications than other professionals out there. Diplomas, Advance Diplomas, Degrees, Masters, PhD

but the streotype and old thinking of the word NURSE outweighs the qualifications.
well, this can't be blamed because the system in Singapore is less beneficial for nurses.

there's a saying, Knowledge is Power.
and the power i want is basically just respect.

because being respected and appreciated will make us less tired from our work.
the mentally of appreciation we received will increase the sense of satisfaction
and eventually pull us through.

last year i held you, this year i missed you

2011-03-27T21:01:00.002+08:00

the rainbow that marked the 1st year.
a covenant that God promised.

today is gong gong's 1st death anniversary.
so fast, it's been a year =)
went to the columbarium to visit the grave
sang gong gong's favourite song
read gong gong's favourite verse
and prayed for the family.

although the tension in the family is not yet resolved
but i believe one day it will...

even though my grandparents left the world,
but they still work in our hearts,
to bring us all back together as a family
and in God.

Gong gong, happy 1st year!
i won't be sad about losing you in this world,
in fact, i'm very very happy that you've finished the race
and able to rest in the Lord's arm.
i'm very very very proud of you.

HAHAAHAHA AH MA TOO!!

change my heart O Lord.

2011-03-23T14:51:00.005+08:00

when i first know about 11:11, a time where you can make a wish and hope it'll come true, i tot it was like huhhh..the reason why 11:11 is because it's difficult to chance upon that time. and well, i've chanced upon it thrice.

for the first time, i didnt really want to make a wish, cuz i know wishes won't come true that way, but there's no harm making a wish, so i did.

posted this on Shuting's wall days after:

and gosh, it happened. quite shocked, because i'm about to move on already... let go of this one-sided irritating stuff.
1-2 nights after that night, dreamt again, much sweeter this time.
i prayed about it. and in fact i did made a passing remark to God that,
if 11:11 appears again it will mean something (though i dunno what's that something)
and on sunday night, i chanced upon the 11:11 in kwoky's car.
was happy about it. but then i dunno what does it mean.

is this from God?
why God doesn't want to let me let go of him?
at the point where i did not think about him, God plants thoughts.
of maybe it's not from God at all?
just can't understand why?!

so i prayed again, telling God that if i chance upon 11:11 again,
means that You prepared him for me, and then i bargain,
but Lord, i dunno what to do and i'm not going to do anything, i'm going to chase after him or what. NO.

then again, "Do not test the Lord your God..."
alright, i apologised.
but amazingly, i told Gwen about what happened.
out of no where.. i told Gwen about it.

and she said to me.
"Gabs, do you know what, i always belived that God has already planned someone for us in our lives, but two of us will only come together when both our hearts are in the Lord, when both our hearts are with God, God will allow us to be together, and we will be together. That's what how i feel. If your heart is with God and yet his heart is not with God, when both of you come together, this whole relationship won't go smoothly. Make sure your heart is with God and i believe that God will work in his heart. ahahah scarly u're the one that your heart is not with Him. but even if your heart is in Him, yet you still stay single, it means that the guy's heart is not with Him, and because the Lord loves you so much, He rather you stay single than being hurt by that guy."

GOSH. this is like.. WOW.
i really felt that WOW. God is awesome.
because knowing that basing on a "sign" it won't give me any assurance.
however, thru Gwen, He told me this.

then, i search my heart,
yea.. true enough, i'm not totally with the Lord.
when things happened, i didnt rely on God.
when i'm so cooped up studies, work, i forgot about God.

Change my heart O Lord,
make it ever true,
change my heart O Lord,
may I be like You.

Isaiah 58:9a

2011-03-12T10:13:00.002+08:00

Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and he will say,
" Here I am. "

Earthquake and Tsunami strucked Japan on my brother's birthday.
11th March 2011.

watched the news over and over again,
how the water flooded the land.
and many people on facebook were questioning
is the world coming to an end?

I asked the Lord,
Father, you promised not to send floods to destroy the Earth right? by the convenant of the Rainbow.

well, though He said He won't send floods to destroy the whole Earth, but didnt mention part of the Earth.

Once again, i told myself.
i need to live everyday as if it's going to end anytime
because we can control many things,
but God is the one that controls the impossible.

again, lesson learnt,

Fear the Lord - For He is Lord
Call upon Him - For He'll be there
Seek His mercy - For He will embrace

building up my tolerance level

2011-03-08T00:30:00.002+08:00

Lord, are you trying to build my tolerance level?

but it's really tough to tolerate all these stabs
because it hurts a lot, and it'll leave scars behind.
i can forgive, because of You, i forgive.
but Lord, i can't forget.
and it's a terrible feeling.

teach me Lord, what am i suppose to do?
it's really a tough lessson.

the future is uncertain

2011-03-02T21:23:00.002+08:00

"but the plans of the Lord stands firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." - Psalms 33:5
I mentioned earlier that i would most probably stick to the plan of going overseas to study after 3.5yr
and I've calculated the school fees, within two years it increased up to 5k to think in another 3.5yrs the school fees will double up.

then dz tweeted me
"doors close when God doesn't want you to walk through them? ... but who knows when it opens again."

true enough, i've prayed about it.
and God really "closes" this door.

but i really thank God that He "replied" me fast enough for me to consider again.
my friends in Aust now spent 31k (excluding living expenses)
to think 3.5yrs time. it'll be 40-50k (excluding living expenses) just for 8 months.
INSANE isn't it?

so what's my plan B?
i'll try to seek my hospital approval and apply for this nov intake @ Curtin U (Singapore) then i'll graduate next Nov 2012.

somewhat it's the conventional way...
but i really really hope that i won't be come a conventional nurse.
i really like to expose myself more...

oh wells, i should stop thinking about it and survive through March.
freakkkkkk!

2011-02-20T22:02:00.001+08:00

或許很多人會不懂為什麼伊甸園要有了你而完全

這是因為當初上帝創造亞當和夏娃時

他們就是住在伊甸園裡

而他們是一對夫妻

所以伊甸園少了一方

都是不完全的

不完全的愛情

誰都不會想要

所以愛情是要靠自己去追求去尋找

而已經追求尋找到的

也要好好把握現在所擁有的一切

因為這一切來的不容易

a msg for both of you, wenya and doro

my future plans.

2011-02-18T22:28:00.003+08:00

after i graduate from CCNC,
i'm going to complete my 2 years bond,
then work for another 1.5 years (maybe.. depends how much i've saved)
and i'll go aust (sydney or perth) for my degree
there i'll try to get the RN license, practice nursing there
for 3-4years before i come back.

all the while, i keep thinking that
i should faster get a degree, then masters
try to get promoted fast
higher pay etc.

but come to think about it.
what was the initial plan of joining nursing?
its e patient care. missions.
therefore, i'm taking a step back.
dont rush for my degree.
enjoy the art of nursing patients, enjoy becoming a full time student,
enjoy life that is.

because afterall, nursing is a job that can last very long.

this isn't a easy choice.
it involves certain amount of sacrifices.
but i'm going to submit this to the Lord
and i believe He'll lead me.

last day in ccu.

2011-02-18T22:15:00.002+08:00

CCU @ NHC was really great.
its eye-opening!

got to nurse the first heart transplant patient.
got to nurse a ex-minister (quite high rank one)
got to nurse a rich chinese indo
got to nurse of cuz the commoners as well.

nursing e rich and nursing e poor.
sure bound to have double standards.
its reality.

but in e ICU its different.
we treat everyone equally
the treatment plans are e same
more authority of patients
because they really need to listen to us
even the family members will listen to us.
because they are very sick.

im getting in love with Cardio actually.

occupation hazard

2011-02-17T21:55:00.002+08:00

got a deep cut on my left middle finger joint
while breaking adrenaline ampoules upon resuscitation
its my 2nd time getting deep cuts from breaking ampoules.

life in ICU is indeed challenging.
i get to nurse the sickest patient.
get in contact with deadly diseases such as TB, HIV, H1N1.
patient can collapse any time.
we need to be on our feet.

ICU nursing indeed increases risk of occupation hazards.
but e job satisfaction really surpasses all these.
and i really love ICU <3

nway. resuscitation failed.
she left e world...

love, even in sickness and in health.

2011-02-16T22:07:00.003+08:00

She's only 32y.o, had underlying heart problems.
on valentine's day,collapsed on her office table.
unresponsive, cynosed.
downtime in the A&E was 40mins, shocked 6times
admitted to CCU. on full inotropes support
her husband is always by her side..
and last night she collapsed again. shocked 9 times.
then she left her family and 7 mth son

She's 79y.o long stayer in the CCU,
super cute ah ma got a trachy and is ventilated
Her ah lao(husband) never fail to visit her everyday.
He'll massage her leg, apply QV cream over her body
One day he fell @ SGH due to hypertension
and got himself warded and ah ma was so worried about him.
then Ah gong sneaked out of the ward to visit ah ma.
does the same thing, massage her leg, apply cream, chit chat with her.
it's really a very sweet loving scene.
However, her chest XRay shows very bad lungs, no improvements.
and Dr said if she's going to get another pneumonia or infection.
that's it.

He's 50+, end stage heart failure. quite demanding
but his wife took care of him really well.
His wife used bare hands to clean his genitals,
he always instruct his wife to do this do that,
and his wife have got no complains.
this valentine, his wife even wrote him a msg on classified.
today, he had his first seizure,CT showed a bleed in e brain.
Drs have to cross their fingers and he have to fight this battle himself.

this valentines week,
i see true love in sickness,
its never ending, its patient,
its always protects, always trust,
always hope, always persevere.

love really never fails.
<3

Hillsong - A Beautiful Exchange - With Subtitles/Lyrics - HD Version

2011-02-13T21:36:00.000+08:00

when only love could make a way
You gave Your life
in a beautiful exchange

tell me how

2011-02-09T17:33:00.002+08:00

everyone in my attachment group hates her
just because she asked "stupid" question,
she is very enthu, she gives weird comments
and do things slowly.

everyone doesn't give a her a damn
they gossip behind her back,
talk bad abt her, tell our lecturer how bad or stupid
she is.

sighs. hate to hear all these gossips and complains
about her :(

korea international airport

2011-02-06T16:51:00.002+08:00

yay!! finally going home!
waiting to board e plane..
manzz spent a bomb. big bomb!!
sighs heart pain. okie boarding! ciao!

eat non stop.

2011-01-28T23:44:00.002+08:00

at the rate im eating,
i'm going to grow fat anytime!

went neonatal ICU today
it's sad to see the babies with all e lines etc
but the babies are sooooo tiny and sooo cute!
size of my palm! that small!!
got the urge to work in neonatal ICU haha.

went out for dinner with my classmates again.
shop and eat. just don't want to study.

wanted to study after my ACCN paper ytd..
but it was super depressing. i'm going to flunk that paper.
so ended up having dinner and shopping

today after attachment.
too tired to study. super sleepy.
but i couldn't sleep, therefore i went out with my classmates again
eat and shop.

really dunno izzit due to stress or addicted to coffee.
i slept for about 5hours everyday...
but i'm always feeling tired , couldn't concentrate at all.

when i got home, at night, i felt slightly awake, but still feeling tired.

its terrible manz.
i just cannot concentrate. even when my classmates talk to me.
i just cannot focus and concentrate.
i'm living in my own world. stoning.
blocked out.

M U G H A R D

2011-01-24T22:24:00.002+08:00

to give better care to my patients
to know how to advocate my patients
to gain knowledge about how to prevent illness
to explain about the medical management of diseases
to learn skills to help others
to be respected as a professional nurse.

jiayou gabrielle chia!

i love my classmates

2011-01-20T23:42:00.002+08:00

i really love my classmates.
we support, encourage, comfort each other alot.

we joked, we made fun of each other,
laughed at each other, criticise each other up down left right,
we speak nonsenses, we made each other pissed, hurt each other.

but at the end of the day,
our friendships just grew deeper.

i think that's the special part of our friendships.
genuine to each other.

Stand By Me

2011-01-17T23:08:00.004+08:00

When the storms of life are raging,
Stand by me (stand by me);
When the storms of life are raging,
Stand by me (stand by me);
When the world is tossing me
Like a ship upon the sea
Thou Who rulest wind and water,
Stand by me (stand by me).

In the midst of tribulation,
Stand by me (stand by me);
In the midst of tribulation,
Stand by me (stand by me);
When the hosts of hell assail,
And my strength begins to fail,
Thou Who never lost a battle,
Stand by me (stand by me).

In the midst of faults and failures,
Stand by me (stand by me);
In the midst of faults and failures,
Stand by me (stand by me);
When I do the best I can,
And my friends misunderstand,
Thou Who knowest all about me,
Stand by me (stand by me).

In the midst of persecution,
Stand by me (stand by me);
In the midst of persecution,
Stand by me (stand by me);
When my foes in battle array
Undertake to stop my way,
Thou Who savèd Paul and Silas,
Stand by me (stand by me).

When I’m growing old and feeble,
Stand by me (stand by me);
When I’m growing old and feeble,
Stand by me (stand by me);
When my life becomes a burden,
And I’m nearing chilly Jordan,
O Thou “Lily of the Valley,”
Stand by me (stand by me).